Marriage problems / no female support system at all / grief & loss

[upsidedown2017]

I have no mum/aunties/grandma/sisters/female cousins and have struggled my entire life! Having a very down day today and it hits me like a tonne of bricks - the pain of not having a mum around since I was tiny just feels unbearable, especially now I have little ones of my own.

I thought having a family of my own would 'repair' the damage but it has magnified everything tenfold. My marriage has fallen apart the last couple of years and I literally have nobody to confide in. My friends are all very happy in their marriages and it almost feels shameful and wrong to talk about the problems in mine.

I'd been so thrilled to have a daughter but now at age 6 we are clashing all the time. We were once very close but don't feel bonded anymore, since my youngest came along.

I feel so incredibly lonely without a female support system.

I don't really know why I'm posting but perhaps older, wiser mumsnetters could talk to me about difficult patches when kids are young, where everything feels stressful, always tired, mithered etc. Does it get better?

And any ideas how I can rid myself of this almighty feeling of grief and loss at having no mum/sister/grandma to spend time with, laugh with, chat to etc? I have had counselling in the past but maybe the wrong kind as if anything it's made me more sad and made me feel more 'odd'.

Thanks for reading.

Hi there,first time I have ever posted on something like this,but I was moved by your obvious distress.First I think make sure your own health is as good as you can manage-eat healthy,get enough sleep,make time for some little treats or enjoyments.Second,though I get what you say about absence of family,but many many people dont have them either,or- as in my case-they dont want to know.I married a brown person my parents didnt like,and never lost an opportunity to hint at it,subtly or not.When he became abusive,violent and I believe mentally ill,the silence was deafening. You need to find internal strength to deal with the shit life throws at you:keep busy (work,volunteering, clearing stuff up,whatever); get help or counselling (NHS saved my life); use trusted internet sites for help and advice-often there's a number you can ring; focus on your childrens' wellbeing- they didnt ask to be born into this and deserve the best you can manage for them.Eventually this bond will grow and strengthen as they grow up,whatever happens in the rest of your life,if you can genuinely and unselfishly do things for their benefit it will help you too.

Thank you for all your lovely support. We are away for the weekend so haven't had wifi for a while but have just been able to read all the messages.

I do go through long periods of acceptance but then it hits me all over again. On Friday I experienced a similar meltdown that I remember happening as long as 18 yrs ago. These feelings never completely leave me.

I've had a horrible weekend away & i just can't see a happy future ahead within our marriage. I'm not enjoying our family life at all, which makes me feel horrific - I can't even be the mum for my kids that I missed out on. Looking forward to getting home & husband going back to work.

The kids are driving me mad. They don't seem to stay happy for longer than 5 minutes. They're not tired & are well fed, but constant emotions and tantrums. It's so draining. Every time we do something as a family it's miserable!! I'm feeling such a failure.

Heh, you're not a failure. Kids are hardwork, i have 3, 2 girls and a boy. My boy, the eldest is by far the easiest, he's very laid back, and we get on really well, although he's getting moody teens now. My girls are chalk and cheese. but both very demanding, the youngest one more so. There have been many times when I think I'm a failure and a shit mum. Trying to make them happy is nigh on impossible all of the time.

I lost my mum 5 years ago, no sisters, cousins, aunts. BF 25 years, and another close friendship with baby group mum of 13 years (she lost her mum at 8, and suffers with depression, I thought I had lost her friendship a few months ago because she never wanted to catch up, always busy, she is still suffering and I hadn't realised, we had a great talk, lots of tears) Maybe you need to speak to your friends, not every marriage is as happy as people make out. xxx

Upside, sorry you're struggling and feeling low. I suggest you look into an interest of your own. I've also found that friendships with an older age group of women can be tremendously comforting and supportive - sometimes more than a peer group as older women have lots of good advice and they can be quite protective.

We've just both had a week off work to spend with dc and it was fun at times but bloody hard at others.
My ds 7 is very hyper sensitive so can be hard to control at times especially on days out
The days we stayed in weren't too bad as long as they were occupied so both dds 7 and 12 have been learning a lot about how to work as a team and help more at home this week
Have you and dh talked alone at all about how things are between you?

Ofudginghell - we have talked many many times. I just don't see how we can come back from how bad it's got. We are existing as parents rather than a couple. I don't know if it's all me and I'm depressed or whether the relationship is over.

Feeling very very low today :(

I have a mum and 2 sisters and am not close to any of them...I think maybe because you haven't had them you're slightly romanticising what it would be like to have them. I've always put my energy into my friendships and other women in my life like MIL...I find opening up and being honest about your feelings and marriage problems with other women is often a good way to connect on a deeper level, and most of the time you'll find that all those 'happily' married women aren't as happy as you think.

I have opened up a bit to each of my friends and acquaintances and not one has ever uttered a single negative comment about their marriage. I get what you're saying but in my circle everyone seems to be swimming along nicely!

I am romanticising. I know lots of women who aren't close to their mums. Just can't help wishing though.

Aw op. Im not close to my mum. She can't do intimate relationships with anyone. I've found it very hard since my dad died because it seems to amplify what my mum relationship is not. My friend whose mum died young and I have given each other support for over 20 years and we were saying recently how often when we were young it was like the blind leading the blind. We both miss the presence and wisdom of an older woman. I realise I gravitate towards the grans of my children's school kids. Reconnect with your friends. Make new ones. Be vulnerable. I next to never discuss relationship problems with anyone apart from a couple of close confidants- it's really weird how we all used to moan about boyfriends but now we're married it's as if everything must be perfect. And don't even start on how to discuss feeling vulnerable about your parenting abilities and where you are mucking up. Counselling has helped me. Reconnecting with people. Being vulnerable when I talk to people to say when things aren't great. You will always get the snotty women who act like you've done a turd when you say something is less than perfect, but you will also get the people who say they are glad you said it.

Oh I gravitate to the the school kids grans too! Haha! Have tried counselling various times over the years but just don't get along with it which is a shame.