Would you put owning a home higher than your family?

[Flamesparrow]

DH desperately wants to own somewhere. He wants security for the future, to stop spending the same amount on rent when we could pay it for something we own, something if we need money for the children at uni etc (I am a bit at that idea... even if we do buy somewhere I do not intend to remortgage to give the children money - I've seen what DH did with his dad's money at uni!!!).

Houses here are impossible. Been looking it up now and even a small 2 bed flat (which he wouldn't want, he would want a decent sized flat or a house) is way over even a 5 x mortgage on his earnings (which would work out mroe I think than anything we could get even if I went back to work full time).

He wants to move back to Wales for a much cheaper place.

I have big depression issues on and off, and my support network (mainly my mum) is here - moving that far away would almost certainly send me over the edge, and possibly too far to survive (not exaggerating).

We were talking last night about how my mum is always worrying we will break up (my parents split up and she is just very worried that I would have to go through it too... she would be like it with any partner, not specifically my marriage to DH iyswim), and he said that the house issue could be the only thing to do it.

I don't know how much he meant it - would anyone (any of you etc) seriously break up their family to own a home?!!?

Scared at how little he thinks of our marriage. Hoping he was saying it as some twisted logic to convince me to move.

A bit of a mess and needed to talk.

IMHO you need to try and sit down with your dh at a time when you can really thrash out the isssue of moving house, when you are both not tired or distracted. Try and explain to him exactly why you are concerned that moving to Wales might not be the answer. He might just not have realised how much you do depend on your support network - some men, bless them, don't have a clue!

It might be that he's got it in his head that moving back to Wales is the easy answer - he might just not see all the emotional side of it, just the money side.

Hope it all gets sorted as well as poss.

If it was me, I'd move to a place where I could afford a nice home. Children adjust pretty quickly. I'm sure your mum would come and stay regularly to give you a break - or maybe you'll find a nice babysitter there.

i am sure he didn't mean it in such blunt terms ... can you talk through your fears etc - there won't be any point him owning a house if it is at the expense of your health. Has something triggered this with him ...

He looks round at friends owning homes I think and that is what is triggering it all.

TLI - its not a case of mum giving me a break... it is talking, a friendship etc and so much more.

We do need a decent talk about it. Just keep crying about it all

You need to sit down and talk everything through. That is both of you. You need to listen to what he has to say and listen to, and try to take on board his reasons for wanting to move, and by the same token he needs to listen to what you have to say and take on board your reasons for not wanting to move.

2.5 years ago dh decided that he wanted to move away from here because he didn?t want to have to travel so far to/from work. In his heart of hearts he absolutely felt that this was the right thing to do and he essentially railroaded me into moving because it was what he wanted. I had serious reservations, ds was nearly two, I had friends here and had visions of being in a strange place on my own with a two year old while he went to the same job, saw the same friends, and where essentially nothing would change for him apart from his travelling time and his address, but for me it would mean giving up everything. But he talked me into it, we sold the house and put in an offer on one in a different part of the country. I became more and more unhappy until I finally decided that I couldn?t move no matter what, and so I thought the only thing to do would be to leave. Me and dh had a very long talk one night and he was absolutely devastated that I?d felt this way and he?d had no idea. Dh said that a house closer to work wouldn?t mean anything to him if he didn?t have me/ds with him, and that all he wanted was for us all to be happy. We pulled out of buying the house the next day and moved into a bigger house here instead.

Your children are still very young (ds about a year?), and it?s very possible that as they get older you will feel more confident and that you will need less support from those around you. My ds is 4 now, and we?re once again at the point where we are trying to move closer to dh?s work, but this time I feel much much more confident about doing so, because ds will be at school next year, and I?ll be doing things more for me than for him now, eg not so reliant on the toddler groups/friends with similar aged children etc. Ironically this time we can?t sell the house, but that?s a matter for several other threads, lol.

I do think that home ownership is a wise move. Not necessarily just because you can then borrow against a property (something I wouldn?t personally do), but also because property is a good investment, and over time it will make a profet, but renting isn?t, you might as well just pour money into a black hole.

Could you talk to your dh and see whether maybe waiting a couple more years would make things better for you, explain that when the children are a bit older you?ll be in a different place in your life and it could be something you could consider then?

Yes - the business is just getting off the ground and with it I am gaining in confidence and emotional stability.

I have been clear of antidepressants for over 4 years now, but that is more through stubborness and refusing to ask for help than not getting depressed iyswim. In a few years time with my own life on track, children older etc I could easily be in a place to consider it (or we could have a huuuuuuuuuge business, housing crash and afford places round here).

I will try and arrange a proper talk tomorrow evening (thinking it needs to be weekend so we can stay up/cry everything that is needed etc!!). I am hoping that it was his boy way of trying to say how important it is to him

I think you're right about him just trying to make you realise how important it is to him, rather than really threatening anything.

flamesparrow I had similar problem with my DH. he wanted to move to the country, I've got everything in london. He accused me of being selfish and not thinking about the kid(s) but only about 'living next to a museum' .

we went to see property where he wanted, I went silent for a week out of fear and desperation. then I decided to take matters in my hand and started searchin for houses somewhere in between.

DH was happy with it and they lived happily ever after.

try to offer a compromise. IMO no point in discussing too much as he will siick to his points out of principle and so will you.
show him you are willing to compromise but so must he. and give him something tangible to plan about which is not wales.

good look though - it is awful I know.

Had a very short chat - its sounding more like he was making his point.

Will do a proper talk tomorrow. I think we just need a definate plan for where we want to head towards with our future.

Thankyou for all your replies - they have helped a lot

Please don't get railroaded into a move that is to please one party. I did and regretted it and I'm sure it contributed to the break up of my marriage. My H totally browbeat me whilst pregnant to an area I did not want to go. My gut feelings were later proven to be right. A compromise is an excellent way forward as PippiLangstrump suggested. He needs to listen to your feelings and ideas too. House buying is stressful at the best of times without it becoming a battle of wills. Why not suggest saving some money for a few years, looking around in the meantime and then moving.

you could look for a property in a cheaper area.
or would you consider buying a property in wales staying put and renting out the property in wales???

yes i know my punctuation is bad am typing one handed and trying to convince girls to go to bed.....