36 YO and single

[Itsgettingbetter]

I'm sure this post has probably been done before. I turn 36 next week and have not had one properly committed relationship. My friends from childhood have all settled down. A friend from primary school, who was single for a long time, has finally met someone lovely and is planning her wedding. I've realised I'm 'the last one'. While I've frittled away precious time in a casual, mostly physical six-year relationship, it seems others have been building 'real adult lives'. I feel foolish and concerned about where I'm headed.

In the meantime I have done other things. I'm a published writer and have worked since I was 16. I've raised my 11 year-old DS single handedly from his birth. For the 7 years I've been in full-time education. My dream to become educated and have a successful career have taken up a lot of time and energy, but in two years I'll have completed my PhD and will have a chance at finally becoming a non-fiction author and a specialist in my field. But by that time I'll be 38 and most likely still single, given the focus on the work and supporting my son.

I have been blessed in other ways. My DS is thriving and is about to start a high achieving secondary. We have a beautiful permanent home in London for which I pay peppercorn rent (although I'd like to buy something when I'm in the position to). And I've achieved more academically as a mature student than I ever thought I was capable of. But success in my personal life has alluded me.

I know I shouldn't compare myself to others. And marriage isn't a destination for me. But having come from a difficult family which is still in a mess, it would be wonderful to build a solid happy partnership with another person. Even the father of my DS, who is emotionally abusive towards me and has a cruel streak has managed to secure a wife with whom he has another child. I'm embarrassed by how long it has taken me to grow up. Where do I go from here?

Look on the bright side, your friends will start divorcing soon and will look to you for advice on how to be single.

You say that "even" your abusive ex has got married - doesn't that demonstrate how having a partner can often be much worse than being in a relationship?

Diagram from here

yupp. I hear you. I'm a decade older and still unravelling the way my parenting left me with an unhelpful attachment style. Only now after therapy and raising my bar and learning about attachment styles (through two years of OLD) do I finally feel I could do it now, I could have a relationship.

I congratulate you on tackling it while you're still young.

1. you're a catch. You're a young woman with only one child old enough to be left without a babysitter. So remember that. You are a good catch!
2. I would look in to attachment styles. Did you know that an abusive relationship is a form of avoidance??
3. your life is good so relax and try to fit in more of what feeds your soul and less of what makes you anxious / stressed
4. go on dates with yourself - look on meetup and force yourself to go to a few things on your own. I did that this time last year and it helped in that it made me feel less afraid of a future alone. I don't want to be single forever, but knowing I'm brave enough to do things on my own takes some of the fear out of it which gives you more belief in yourself, more power, a higher bar........ all good.

btw, my x has also managed to find somebody else but I know he's not capable of real intimacy which is what i demand now, so i'm not jealous of him. He has another fake relationship.

Connecting in a maladaptive way.

At first I shied away from the horrible label ''love addict'' as I have not had a bf for so long. But it refers to the anxiety you feel when you're in a 'relationship' or a fledgling relationship. My parents were a bit neglectful, and yet controlling, so if you have this kind of parenting then you aren't comfortable with men who listen to you, hear you, support you consistently. It can feel 'right' to be with men whose attention is sporadic (or disapproving, or hot and cold).

There could also be nothing in particular wrong with you.

I'm not quite sure from your OP what it is that you want. Do you want your life to change, or are you just reflecting on how it is different from the lives of your schoolfriends, and perhaps from how you imagined your life would be when you were younger?

Have you checked out Matthew Hussey op - I know he's a bit irritating but it worked for me.

OP you are in a great position, congratulations on achieving so so much whilst bringing up a child alone. Decades ago women needed marriage but now so many have remained single or divorced from so you'll always be in company.
I rushed into marriage when I met someone at 36 as thought I was past it, have regretted it so much, I went from having fun, holidaying to bring tied to someone who doesn't understand me, always sides with his mother & family who we live with and being financially less better off.
Please enjoy life

Thanks all

Trills I never imagined my life would turn out as it has. It feels a little unnerving to be in this position. But at the same time I wouldn't settle for all the world.

I think there are number of women at the age of 36 who given a choice, would have child over their relationships.
You still have a fair bit of time before "the game" changes and who knows ,it may swing in your favour.

You're doing ok. I'm 46 and single. Yeah was with my ex for 25 years but the outcome is still the same.....who knows what's round the corner. Just enjoy life as it is, no point worrying about what may or may not happen, just accept the here and now. Like a pp feeling very cynical today .

I'm 45 single mum with an 8dd.

I have for the last year been with someone who I love but I don't want to live with. We have a great time when we are together and do trips etc. But I am not ready to be living with someone again.

I always put my dd and my career first

I used to crave a "proper" relationship and then I worked out how blessed I am in so many ways and that maybe the more traditional life style just wasn't for me. (I also look at all the shit that goes on with almost every couple I know and having been there and work the t shirt and I think fuck that)

Thanks Betty and Themo

I have my son and don't think I want any more children so there's no pressure there.

I've been reflecting today and think I was just feeling nervous about having defied convention, wondering if I was wrong in living so differently from others. I have been loved but rejected those men as I knew they weren't right for me. I could be in an abusive, repressive or frustrating situation but have peace and contentment in my home life. I have resisted societal pressure to 'couple up' for the sake of it and that's something to be proud of I think.

When I meet the right person, I'll be available and perhaps all the more confident given the fact I've made it to this point in life from the background I have, more or less on my own.

Interesting Jeaux, it's true that a traditional home life isn't for everyone. It seems both or either economic interdependence or childrearing binds people together in the same domestic space.

I'd love to hear more stories about mature women living independently of partners whilst enjoying periodic love affairs or being single. It would be useful to see what that looks like.

Honestly OP I am at peace. If longer term he and I get it together then that's ok but I have a full life anyway.

If I project, let's say into retirement where I know I can be financially independent still I am as happy with the thought of being on my own, maybe travelling in the early years or living abroad, as I am with being someone and sharing that.

I wasn't always at peace with this but the last 5 years or so I have been. It's social constructs that make us believe marriage and partnership is what we should aspire to.

Me, I believe being an independent woman, bringing up a lovely child and having a great career, friends, family is way more important.

I hope you find happiness, whatever that looks like to you.

Peace out sister

You sound like you're doing well :)

It's not surprising that you find yourself questioning it sometimes - we are constantly fed an ideal of what "life should look like".

Questioning doesn't mean you're unhappy, it just means you are aware that you are not taking the default path.

I say the same when people wonder whether they want children, some posters will say "you must want to change your life or why are you thinking about it?", I say "of course you are thinking about it, anyone considering taking a non-default life path will". Often it's those who take the default that don't really think about it enough, and end up in a situation that's not right for them.

I didn't mean to imply that there was anything wrong with you OP

I have just been thinking recently about the impact of my parents' parenting of me.

True what Trills say, I must remember that, questioning things doesn't mean that what you've got is bad or that it's making you unhappy. V true.

I'm 51 and single. No kids of my own through choice but two grown up DSDs from XH. I have a wonderful relationship with my DSDs.

Left XH in 2011 and got divorced. I have a very successful career and love my life.

Since 2011 I've had the best holidays of my life on my terms and the best sex I could never have dreamed of because I've never felt so fabulous. I've tried two 'proper' relationships but left those as I won't settle and much prefer FBs. I'm totally open to marrying again but he would have to be amazing.

I reckon I'll find the man of my dreams in my 70s when I'm ready to potter!!