What is essential in a (romantic) relationship?

[anyadvicehelps]

Just that, really. I'm looking for some opinions/ideas from people with more experience. I have been with my BF for 6 years, but sometimes I wonder if this 'is it' if that makes sense.

In your experience, is it normal to have doubts? What are the things you consider an absolute must in a long-term relationship?

Kindness and patience - there's no bigger turnoff than someone who is miserly with time, money, manners or kindness.
Great sex - chemistry can grow and change and evolve, but great sex is an important thing for me.
A similar sense of humour and joy - DH and I laugh at one another a huge amount of the time and find happiness in similar areas.
Other friends/hobbies/activities - not investing everything into that one person at the expense of your sense of independence and friendships.
Similar moral code - DH and I are quite alike in our core values. Polar opposites in many, many ways, but that's a big thing for me in a relationship.

As for doubts, yes I think they're normal. I have days even now where I look at DH and think "what the fuck am I doing?" because he's pissed me off spectacularly. But I think there's a fine line between 'doubts' and red flags. And if a relationship doesn't give you that sense of security or bliss, it's absolutely fine to take a step back or take your time til you feel more certain.

Not finding them annoying. Have to feel comfortable abd relaxed in each others presence.

Feeling loved.

A bit of lust, even if just only from time to time

Having compatible objectives for your joint future.

Being able to laugh at and with each other.

Thank you so much for your response Whoo! I have a tendency to overthink everything, so this is something I keep coming back to. You have given me lots to think about!

A shared sense of humour and politics.

Interesting that you all mention a shared sense of humour!

Genuine respect for each other, which is shown in how you treat each other every day, how you talk to each other, and about each other.

Physical attraction and affection that is about sharing that experience, not about getting your end away

Enjoying doing some things together, but having other non-shared interests too outside of the relationship

Trust and honesty

Similar outlook, life goals and moral values

Patience, support, listening and understanding

Equity within the relationship so each partner has equal financial resources, equal 'childfree time' and equivalent if not equal domestic responsibilities [if you share finances/have children/live together].

Similar sense of fun and humour

Others might disagree with me but no, I don't think doubts are normal. In fact, I wish I could go back to my 18-28 year old self and tell her that doubts aren't normal. I spent a decade in a relationship with someone I had doubts about and it was a waste of time.

I've never had a single doubt about DH. That doesn't mean we never disagree or he never annoys me (although it's rare!) but I've never, for a single second, doubted that he is the one for me.

Shared values. This is non negotiable. For me this will translate in to sociopolitical opinions / actions that I respect. In other words I need to be with someone who, even if they vote differently to me or support different charities or whatever, I can wholeheartedly support their actions and never feel alienated by them.

It also translates into sexual and social behaviour. For example consent and respect are key values for me. This means no emotional blackmail; a sense that each adult is responsible for their own actions and emotions; social life should be cultivated; sex should always be by enthusiastic mutual consent; etc. These are huge huge things.

Beyond that... Sexual compatibility.

That's it for me really. Shared values and wanting to have loads of sex with each other. Everything else stems from there.

I think doubts should be listened to.

If it doesn't feel easy to be together, if you don't feel like you're the very best version of yourself that you can be when you are around them - then don't continue.

Oh Peach, I am within that age range so your words resonate! If you wouldn't mind too much, I would love to hear what kind of doubts you had, or what drew the line for you so to speak?

That's exactly what I want to do Stamp- listen to my doubts calmly and try to triangulate how to move on from here :).

Thank you all for your replies!

There were doubts about specific things - like I enjoyed socialising and he really didn't, sometimes he was rude to my friends and family, I wasn't sure whether he'd be a supportive partner if we had kids, our arguments never felt very constructive etc but ultimately those weren't really the dealbreakers (although they are all really important). Really the major doubts were more nebulous than that - I wasn't sure if I was really in love with him - I loved him and I thought maybe that was just what happened after a while in a relationship, it was the butterflies fading etc etc.

Now that I'm with DH the difference is just immeasurable. It's hard to understand, looking back, why I stayed but hindsight is a wonderful thing and I really thought it was all just normal. It wasn't. In DH I have found a true partner in all things - we match on every level, none of those practical things are in doubt but most importantly I just KNOW. I know he's the one for me, I know that no matter what life throws at us we'll work through it and I have no doubt that I am and always will be in love with him.

I also enjoyed being single far more than I enjoyed being in that relationship that was wrong for me. I had a year of it and as cheesy as it sounds, I found myself. I grew up, I became independent, I experienced life. It was wonderful. I'd been with my ex since I was a child and I didn't know who I was without him - turned out I was a much better, more interesting and joyful person.

Someone you are proud to be with. Someone who thinks you are great and treats you accordingly. Intelligence and a similar sense of humour are important to me, as are similar values - social, political etc. I like a man to have integrity, a personal belief system where he is honest with himself and others, and who is respectful of other people's values. The great sex that comes with you fancying the pants off him because he is the way he is. Mostly though, it's his massive hairy arms

Sometimes I get minor niggles, and I've learned that I only get them when I'm tired, or stressed or hangry, and actually what I need is a few hours by myself. No doubts that I'm really lucky, and that I've met someone really special.

I don't think sex is essential. You can have physical affection from kissing, cuddling and holding hands. Sex is not defining imo.

What everyone else said really.
Being on the same side. Knowing they have your back. Being able to argue or disagree without it getting nasty.
Trust.
Contemplating growing get old together without panicking that they will be the last person you ever sleep with!

Lots of laughing.
Knowing that when you run into problems you can deal with them together.
Mutual respect.

Apart from the sex stuff ( which is very important in my view) all the same qualities you would want in a best friend really.

Friendship, shared values, some mutual admiration and sexual chemistry.
With these ingredients intact you can learn the rest in a relationship.

I'm not sure that doubts are that normal in a happy relationship. Whenever my DH and I fall out, I can look at him and think he's being an arse and that I wish he'd just bugger off out with his friends for a few hours, but I've never wondered 'is this it? Is this as good as it gets? Am I doing the right thing by staying here?' I've had those doubts in previous relationships and, in hindsight, those partners were totally wrong for me. I think that if these thoughts are popping into your head on a regular basis, you've got some thinking to do.

For me, the essentials are compatibility in all the big areas (money, children, sex etc), trust, humour (I've never had a good relationship with someone I couldn't laugh with), kindness, patience and enjoying each other's company. I don't think that loving someone is enough. You have to like them too. Also, if we fall out, we never ever resort to name calling or spitefulness. We compliment each other. Not just things we fancy about each other, but achievements and things we've done well. We're proud of each other. We encourage each other to do things if one of us doubts their abilities. He puts me before him and I put him before me, so we both come out feeling loved and appreciated.

Plus, he has lush, rugby players thighs and does all the cooking, which isn't essential, but certainly doesn't hurt.

Respect, trust, affection, humour, shared values. All a must and in no particular order. It also assists if you fancy them of course

Thank you all so much for your input. There's a lot that is fantastic about our relationship, and I have nothing negative to say about the BF or what we bring out in each other. And yet, there is this niggling doubt- I think the word nebulous describes it brilliantly.

I think I have a lot of thinking to do, and you have given me plenty of fodder!

I agree with PP and also how they react when you need them the most, like when you are ill.

Prime example was us in Florida again last year, Ds2 was sick the first night (long plane journey, too much excitement, jet lag) we both worked together to clean up the sick despite dying from tiredness.

Then 3 days later Dh is chucking up, I gave him drinks of water, wiped his face with a cold wet flannel, tucked him into bed and took the children out so he could sleep. Stayed close by in case he needed me.

Knowing that they have your back, so when someone says something nasty that they will say, hang on a minute, right there and then, not later when you are alone.

Feeling proud to be their wife and them feeling the same way. Sense of humour and being able to laugh at yourself with them and at them. And when you disagree that it just about that matter not who did what 3 years ago or name calling.

Small gestures every day, not big grand ones.

My non-negotiables:
Values (including morals, political leanings and manners)
Approach to money (do you like to live within your means while he lives the high life on an overdraft)
Sexual compatibility (do you yearn to have your hair pulled and toes sucked every night while he thinks having the light on once a week is racy)
Socialising together
Socialising separately (a little bit but not all the time)
Having some shared interests such as theatre or sailing or whatever it might be
Shared approach to food. Now this might seem a weird one but I was raised in a home where we all ate the same amazing food together and talked over dinner. Dating a man who likes a takeaway in front of the telly wouldn't work!
And the most important one for me - honesty, absolute searing honesty. No lies by omission. No half-truths.

I forgot one - humour - shared sense of humour. Laughter and sex high up the agenda - sometimes at the same time but mostly not!