Dysfunctional Parent Daughter

[user1499333856]

Apologies. I do not even know if I am posting in the right place. Yet again I am consumed with rage at my interaction with my mother today. I feel like I am in the longest running soap series with her.

I can't go in to all the details over 20 odd years. My relationship with parents was NC two years ago and then my dad died. My mother is now alone and we live overseas.

I can't stand my mother. I believe she is a narcissist. She's an alcoholic (even now at 74). This causes turbulence and distress. You never know what you're going to get. She is totally suffocating but at the same time as the ability to show zero interest in me. I try to take responsibility for my adult life but she has caused me so many problems with my MH. I hate her for that and have no connection with her.

But I can't go non contact with her. I feel obliged to call her every day. I have nothing to say to her. My kids do not know her. She has stopped now but would previously phone dozens of times a day to the stage I felt stalked. An incident in May at her home triggered a total breakdown in me. Boom! There went my job in the longer term.

I don't know what to do. She is continually asking to come and visit us. She did last year and was drunk in our home. She wants my husband to drive her to and from U.K. I don't drive. He works full time and can't spare 4 days for the round trip. I suggested Eurostar but she turned it down even when I offered to collect her. So the October visit is off unless it's on her terms. She has cried down the phone every day about wanting to visit and then refuses to put some effort in.

What does she want from me? Why do I have to bear this bullshit? I have great relationships with other people. I want to punch a wall with the frustration of it. My DH has to listen to all this shite and it must grow tiresome.

My mum got pissed in a restaurant and announced to the room that my DH is 'the son she never had and she is still trying to get rid of the daughter'

Why is my life tainted by this awful person? Is it wrong to want nothing to do with her?

Please go NC with this awful woman. You are NOT obliged to call her - never mind calling her EVERY DAY. Why torture yourself like this? You are not responsible for her in any way.

You can and should now walk away from your so called mother. It is NOT your fault your mother is like this.

Would you have tolerated this from a friend, of course not. Your mother is no different. It is not possible to have a relationship of any sort with a narcissist.

And no it is not at all wrong to not want anything to do with her. She is both a drunkard and a narcissist. Do read the "daughters of narcissistic mothers" website; your mother and you are certainly within those pages.

You have been trained to serve her from birth and you are her emotional punchbag. You're the person she can spew her emotional suffocating bile onto and say, "ah that is much better" when she is done. She has no regard for you or any of your own family whatsoever and has no empathy.

She is alone also by her actions; you're the only one left who actually bothers with her though you probably have asked yourself why more than once. Your own fear, obligation and guilt keep you tied to this person and its high time you said to yourself no more. I would also read up on codependency because it may be that you are codependent too (that often features in relationships where alcoholism is an issue).

Raise your boundaries a lot higher; for a start stop offering to help her because she does not want it. Stop taking her calls and stop with the calling of her. Her tears are also manipulative and purely designed to tug at your heartstrings. She is treating you like a right mug and sees your own kindness as weakness. She has caused you to have a breakdown and losing your job.

You should not have her in your house ever again and the thought of her living with you fills me with horror actually.

Just because she is your mother you do not have to put up with this behaviour you have to let go of any guilt you feel start limiting the phone calls it is not your fault that she is alone, she has to make a life for herself and if she wants to be a part of yours she has to meet you half way! I too had a very manipulative mother and I get how you feel big hugs and stay strong you do not deserve this!!!

I have a FT job, two children under 4. I will not expose them to her. My days are 18/20 hours long even with DH pulling his weight.

I know I should go NC again. I know

We do visit her as much as we can considering all the commitments I mention above. I'm in therapy and all the problems lead back to childhood. She has marred my life and my potential. Some days I am so angry and hurt it's impossible to think straight.

I know she wants to now move in to my life, my home and dominate it. I know she wants to sit and talk to my husband while carefully ignoring me and isolating me. I sound so petulant but it's so hard dealing with a narc at arm's length.

Thanks for your reply. Having a vent helps

Please please do not let her move in with you!! You are not her keeper you have more than enough to deal with!! She could live another 20 years don't do it!!

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Currently a FT job until my contract ends next month. It won't be renewed and that's in part down to the MH fall-out.

I appreciate your response. Thank you.

"We do visit her as much as we can considering all the commitments I mention above".

Why did you write this above comment?. That also needs addressing urgently. That is actually quite disturbing given what you have written about her.

The above likely stems from your FOG; what has your therapist said about this?. How much understanding does your therapist have about toxic families?

You also do not want your children to be exposed to her either. They are being exposed to her indirectly currently because they see all too clearly your reactions to her.

"I'm in therapy and all the problems lead back to childhood. She has marred my life and my potential".

She is the cause of you having therapy now; she has indeed marred your own very existence and will continue to do so as long as you give her an "in" through any contact with any of you via any method. She has already caused you to have a breakdown and lose your job; how much more are you going to take from her?. You have physical distance, now put proper mental distance between you and she now.

I wrote it because I have not accepted that my relationship with her will never be normal. Good. Ok. Like I see other people with their parents. Whatever that means.

I try to normalize something that is abnormal. I do feel I should help her. I swing between wanting to throttle her and wanting to sever all contact. It is very complicated. I know it's all deeply ingrained in me - I am starting a form of therapy called schema therapy to help me with my anxiety, my many other things.

My therapist has also told me if I can't go NC then I need to limit contact and deffo not every day.

Massively good point about indirect exposure. Another thing I need to consider in my behavior. I am terrified of becoming my mother.

How about you block this woman. Change all of your mobile numbers. If she writes to you immediately bin the things.

Doing the above does not mean you aren't a good person. It means you have put a boundary in place that should not have even been required.

The alternative is to tolerate your mother knowing that she will persist with her unpleasant behaviour and cause further damage to your MH or at least compromise your progress.

as others have said go no contact, you really can't continue living your life like this, your mother is toxic, things will never change. you must put yourself first, i also have a narc mom so you have my sympathy.

do not let her continue to destroy your life, please take care of yourself,

"I try to normalize something that is abnormal. I do feel I should help her. I swing between wanting to throttle her and wanting to sever all contact. It is very complicated. I know it's all deeply ingrained in me"

You cannot normalise the abnormal and its a wasted effort trying.

She put all that dysfunction there within you. She trained you from soon after birth really to serve her and you have done so at great cost both emotional and financial to yourself. Your own family unit are also affected indirectly by her behaviours because they directly see you suffering at her hands.

You can and should sever all contact as of now.

BTW you won't become your mother because a) you are not a drunk, b) you would not dream of treating your children in the ways you've been treated since childhood and c) you have two qualities that your mother lacks; empathy and insight. You are not your mother although she has tried her hardest to make you an extension of her own self.

I also think that finding a therapist who has a great deal of experience and understanding of narcissistic family structures would be beneficial to you going forward.

My therapist specializes in systems therapy - the relationships with others. Last week During therapy I said I didn't want to try and understand what was in the past. I already know I will never get any traction or acknowledgement fro my mother. I said I'd rather focus on practical steps to set healthy boundaries. On reflection, perhaps I need both.

Setting healthy boundaries with a narcissist is an impossible task because they will actively rail against them. Your mother will not accept any boundary you care to set her.

How much more of your life are you prepared to let her ruin for you?.
Because she will do that given any opportunity and she is calling you up all the time.

It may well be that this particular type of therapy is not actually right for you; why was it suggested and by whom?. I have personally not heard it used for adult children of narcissists.

It is also not your fault that she is the ways she is. Also how much knowledge does this therapist have about narcissism and alcoholism?. Does this therapist have a bias about keeping families together despite mistreatment?. If so I would find someone else to work with. Do not forget either that these people are like shoes, you need to find someone who fits with you.

What if anything do you know about her own childhood and family background, the clues are there. It is probably the case that your mother's own parents were narcissistic as well and her childhood was itself abusive.

You are right, my mother's parents were also narcissists.

I just talked to my husband about it. He told me to tell my mother tomorrow that it's our understanding that she doesn't want to come and visit unless we can collect her. Unfortunately, we can't do that this time. So see you in December' 👋🏻

I wish I had this detachment.

My therapy is centered on understanding the root causes of my anxiety, the issues of abandonment, shame, humiliation, etc. it is early days, just two sessions in.

I've calmed down a bit now, thanks for the advice. It all helps.

I really do feel for you. I had yet another argument with my mum yesterday. It really is draining. A lot of time is wasted being anxious, upset, confused and feeling helpless. I get drawn into the cycle.
I have distanced myself from her. I now also stand up to her.
For you it is a huge positive you're miles away from her. I don't have that luxury.
If I were you I'd let the October trip go.
She sounds manipulative. Do you have siblings?
Concentrate on your own family and try not to feel guilt.

Why can't you just go nc? Ask yourself why you are insisting on maintaining the contact? Are you punishing yourself?

You can go NC, you're choosing not to.
So either stop complaining or do something about it.

@Temprmint

Yes. I should be pleased to let October go, and yet I'm bothered by it. I should think myself lucky to have an opt out now.

No siblings. Sadly.

I'm just irritated now at all the time I've wasted on this today: from researching the trip, to the phone calls with mother and then brooding on her response.

The thing I can't get out of my head right now is my mum telling me whilst we were on the phone that she 'just wants to come over and be part of my family'.

How can she even think that's possible after all the history? Why does she never reflect on why she has ended up alone? Being an only child of a narcissist means you haven't really ever got anyone to ask what all this shit means.

I will talk to my therapist on Monday about NC. I think that's what I really need.

@sororitynoise

I let my mother dismiss me like that but not a stranger!

I'm just expressing my thoughts on something that troubles me. Thank you for posting and your concern.

I think I probably will go NC

@Maelstrop

I think I am codependent. I desperately want approval/love from someone who can't give it.

She is also old. My dad really suffered in the end because he was left alone with her when I had had enough last time.

She is toxic. I am just messed up by it. Ive gone NC before, it made me a lot more peaceful.

She won't give you the pro all you seek. Been there, done that. Her he is irrelevant, she has always been like this, she won't change.

I think you have your answer about going nc. You were far more peaceful. I think that's worth more than money!

My favourite trick is to write a list of pros and cons about a situation. It helps me to articulate more fully why I do things. Maybe give it a go, I find it super helpful.

Have you been to Al-anon? Also ACA (adult children of alcoholics). Do please try both - go to 6 sessions before you make a decision.

You aren't the only one. Do get in to the community of people who have experienced what you have re above.

Just want to thank people for their responses.
Had another day of it today and I'd had enough.
Will be going NC again. It's for the best.

Thank you.