How to split amicably

[Mamaka]

I am finally getting out of a horribly emotionally abusive marriage of 7 years, 2 DC. So far the split has been horrific, very bitter on both sides. I am ashamed to say I have not managed to be the bigger person. I want to hurt him as much as I have been hurt over the last few years.

But rationally I know this is good for nobody. I desperately want to be amicable, I would like advice on how to do it when you absolutely hate the other person.

No contact or speak only for children's sake. If you can arrange when DH sees children without speaking (Go through another person) that would also help.

Maybe until feelings have settled and you know you can speak without it being a war of words!

He doesn't have his own place yet so can't have DC overnight. We have a vague arrangement at the moment of EOW (but at mine overnight) and one evening midweek. I'm going to have to do handover. I can't bear the sight of him and I think the DC are picking up on it - DD wouldn't give him a cuddle today and DS asked him why is mummy sad. I don't want that.

Get reading. There is so much out there. The biggest thing you can do for your DC is to dig deep (really really deep) and put them first right now. It's not easy. My feelings were that once the decision was made it was damage control time. It became all about the DC. A year on I am now finding the time to think about me.

Here are a few links.

Truth About Children and Divorce: Dealing with the Emotions So You and Your Children Can Thrive

Putting Children First: A Handbook for Separated Parents

Help Your Children Cope With Your Divorce: A Relate Guide

Can you afford therapy for yourself? I have found this so helpful to have can outlet for my feelings, and to talk about how DC are doing. I often think situations through in therapy. Not sure I would have survived without it.

Have you looked up family mediators in your area? I wish I had done it earlier. There is a lot of help out there. Even if you just seek help by yourself for now. I got some basic things wrong and wish I had sought expert advice earlier.

I think being realistic about "amicable" is important. We have done things like sports day together. But not family meals - I think we struggle too much to be sincere about enjoying each others company to make that work. And DC do not need to be around that sort of undercurrent/tension. My feelings are that pleasant and co operative is a realistic aim for us. So maybe work out what is realistic for you.