Helping a friend leave emotionally abusive wife

[Iwanttobe8stoneagain]

We have a close friendship group, we have known each other for 20plus years. One of our friends has been married for 25, they have a teenage DD. Friends wife has always been the Stronger one in the relationship (friend is the least confrontational person ever if he wasn't a friend we'd call him a doormat). Things have been slowly getting worse for them since having DD ( this was difficult needing ivf). Recently friend confided in DH who was friends old school friend, they hadn't had sex for over 10 years. At get togethers there's now nearly always an argument with Wife storming off usually with DD in tow ( we kind of dread inviting them round now). The wife refuses to work (gave up well before got pregnant) despite friend asking her to. Apparent she has been throwing any birthday presents to the side with sneering remarks for years, constantly criticising him in front of friends and basically living a desperate life moaning every time friend buys something.Anyway we have all hinted he should leave for his sake and DDs. Friend has finally decided he can't take it any more but is worried about the practicalities. He obviously pays for everything. They own house with mortgage as tenants in common. How much of his salary is he likely to keep after maintenance and what about house? He would obviously be happy to keep supporting DD but needs money to live off. Wife has said she will take him to the cleaners if he leaves. In the short term he could move in with paents

What he should do is go get some legal advice. Most solicitors give a 30 minute free meeting. He should then know his best and worst outcome position financially.

I really feel sorry for your friend, I have a male friend in the same position. He won't leave. I'm glad your friend is finding the courage.

Legal advice is the way to go.

He can go for joint custody.
With her not working, he'll have to pay spousal support.

If the child is school aged, she'd be expected to look for work.

He does need to leave her, regardless of her threats.

I never know what to think when these sorts of posts come up. My xh said similar about me, all lies. As his friend I think the best advice you can give is that he seek legal advice and leave honourably. It is difficult to predict the financial outcome of a divorce, he needs a lawyer for that.

As terrifying as it is to go through this I would say to anyone in that position to leave at all costs. Been pretty much living the doormat lifestyle here and that fact alone is helping me come to terms with how positive my separation will be despite other pains.

Rainey did you read the OP? There are witnesses to the abuse.

Who gives a fuck about the money aspect of it at this point? Honestly? His freedom and happiness are priceless, and he can always make more money. The only question that matters is how does he want his life to be. With a nightmare of a marriage or freedom?

With her not working, he'll have to pay spousal support.

Spousal support is given rarely and he would have to be earning a significant amount, and even if this was the case it would be for a set amount of time for her to get a job.

As has been mentioned, a solicitor is the way to go.

They own house with mortgage as tenants in common. How much of his salary is he likely to keep after maintenance and what about house?

house wise in probability, she will stay there as main carer, but he can ask for for the house to be sold on a set date, normally after the child has left education or home.

there are child support calculators on the net, and orders for extensions for education purposes can be put in (university etc.) but can go direct to the child.

Pension and equity from the house can be put against each other, he keeps more pension but gets less of the house or visa versa.

However it is all pointless unless she agrees to the divorce and the financial terms of the divorce, and any financial solution should be made final, so that there is no going back to the pot years later.

I should point out that these are my views with no legal training, just what I know from my situation and other peoples.

Again get proper legal advice.

His DD is a teenager. She could go and live with him, if her mother is emotionally abusive, it would probably be better for her. He would then be able to claim child allowance and child tax credits (depending on income) and wouldn't need to pay maintenance.

My brother and I lived with our dad when our parents got divorced.

Thanks everyone. Yes we have all witnessed the emotional abuse so unfortunately it is very real. If anything our friend has been trying to hide it. I'll speak to him about getting legal advice. I really hope for his and his DDs sake he maintains his courage have a feeling it's going to get c nasty

He needs to get some legal advice. She sounds horrendous