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Original poster

Am I "disgusting"?

15 replies

NoDecorum · 10/08/2017 19:49

Son is 9 and his father and I split when he was small. We have managed to co-parent together in a mostly amicable fashion, but things have been rocky lately.

Sons father lives a lifestyle that involves a lot of mud. He doesn't live in a house, but in a community of people that live in yurts etc. They're all constantly in wellies because as soon as it rains it gets super muddy.

School has lent son a trumpet as he wishes to learn. The problem is that every time he takes it to school from his dads, the case is absolutely filthy, as it gets put down by muddy wellied feet in the car or van on the school run. If it comes back to me before he takes it to school, I do my best to clean it, but the case is textured and the mud gets into the crevices and it always looks dirty.

I find this mortifying. It's an expensive instrument and it isn't ours. I feel it's our duty to take good care of it and I worry our son also finds it mortifying to take it to school so filthy.

I have suggested to his father that it stay at my house where it can be kept clean and our son didn't take it to his. I confessed I found it embarrassing and worried our son felt the same. He went mad and said I was "disgusting" and "holding our son back in order to score points".

Our son doesn't even seem that interested in the thing and never voluntarily practices. It's not as though he'd miss it dreadfully if it didn't go to his fathers house. But his fathers words have really landed and I'm struggling.

Thoughts?

OP posts:

Original poster

NoDecorum · 10/08/2017 19:49

Not sure what happened with the title there...

OP posts:

DreamingofItaly · 10/08/2017 19:53

Er, how are you disgusting for wanting to keep your DS trumpet safe and clean? You're hardly scoring points. I fear your ex has other stuff on his mind and is using this as a vent with you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/08/2017 19:57

He's being ridiculous.

If he can't keep it clean it doesn't go to his yurt. I'm sure your son would agree.

Pantryboy · 10/08/2017 19:58

IMHO you give the instrument back to the school with your sons agreement and stop the arguing with his dad. His dad sounds a decent sort, if a bit dirty and I think he prob feels a bit ashamed and hurt by your words. I know you didnt mean anything by it but men need it spelt out to them or they get it all wrong! Good Luck OP

Original poster

NoDecorum · 10/08/2017 20:32

Thanks all. That's reassuring.

OP posts:

Wheresthattomoibabber · 10/08/2017 20:34

Put trumpet in case. Put case in bag for life?

seven201 · 10/08/2017 20:37

That's so rude and ridiculous of him. Can't the case just go in a bin bag though?

ClemDanfango · 10/08/2017 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

larrygrylls · 10/08/2017 20:45

Disagree here.

It is the case that is muddy, not the trumpet! If the school have not complained, he should be able to practise whichever home he is staying at.

Nothing mortifying about a cheap case being muddy as long as the instrument itself is properly cared for.

Original poster

NoDecorum · 10/08/2017 21:03

Case in a bin bag is one possible solution. They're disorganised though, and not that careful with stuff. I fear it would be one of those things that would be forgotten/done a few times and then not bothered with. It would be resented because they would see it as pointless.

Larry I guess this wouldn't be a problem for you then. Would you like to co-parent with my ex instead of me? I could do with a break Seriously though, I do find it mortifying. I think it suggests we are not looking after the trumpet properly/do not care to look after the trumpet properly. My feeling is that if somebody lends you something, it isn't ok to get it filthy.

OP posts:

LonginesPrime · 10/08/2017 21:05

I wouldn't let my DC take a rented instrument camping, not least with someone who has no regard for how it should be treated.

If DS isn't practising much anyway, it can't be nice for the other people in the yurt community - his dad sounds a bit inconsiderate on that front too.

If the trumpet has to go to his dad's I'd second the bag for life suggestion and would throw in a packet of baby wipes.

hatsoncats · 10/08/2017 21:12

This is a musical instrument that at some point other children will need to practice with, it would be unfair of your son to borrow and return it in a less than clean, well cared-for condition.

I wouldn't allow it to be taken from house & I would be surprised if the schools insurance would cover it for this. I take it, it IS insured by either yourself or the school?

ChainingDaisy · 10/08/2017 21:13

If the case is leather, I highly recommend dove cream bar and a soft sponge. Clean in small circles, gently. Works wonderfully and doesn't damage the leather (advice from the insurance team when I was selling painfully expensive leather furniture ), I've done it on a few textured leather bags, with much success. It must be a cream bar, not a proper soap though, actual soap will dry it out too much.

Original poster

NoDecorum · 10/08/2017 21:41

Hatsoncats I would assume it was insured by the school. It belongs to them and I haven't had it insured.

They have been really kind and lent it to us for free, in order to see if DS is going to stick with it before we make the commitment of buying one for him. I assume they will do the same for other families once we return it.

I think the reason my ex is so angry is that he perceives this as an attack on his lifestyle. It's where a lot of the recent conflict is coming from. I used to live like him too but moved on when our son was much smaller. I think there are ways in which it can be great for kids but many ways in which it is not. There is a lack of access to hot running water and sanitation so it is harder to keep people and things clean. And although his dad is a generally a good sort and a hard worker, there are lots of adults who don't do much all day other than smoke weed. There's a lot of dealing goes on and parties in which everyone gets really wasted. I don't want my son around that stuff and have said so, which makes his father furious. He says I'm a hypocrite as I used to live like this, but I haven't for years. It's something I did when young and no longer something I feel is appropriate for my stage in life.

OP posts:

LonginesPrime · 10/08/2017 21:42

Also, OP, did you not have to sign a little contract with the school or the county, saying you'll look after it and will take responsibility for damage, etc?

Assuming you did, I'd explain to your DS's dad that it's your responsibility and if he can't look after the instrument and keep it clean, you'll have to keep it at yours as you're legally responsible for it.

I'm still intrigued as to how he practises in the yurt without disturbing others and by the whole yurt community element generally, although I'm trying to be cool and act like I know loads of people whose exes live in yurt communities.

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