I don't know where to even start, and maybe even just writing this down will help, I'm not expecting replies but I don't know what to do anymore.
Dh and I have been having a lot of difficulties.
I have mental health issues, as well as a physical disability so things have been very hard. Dh never speaks to anyone, professional or friend, so he ends up saying many hurtful things to me, he will back track and say that he didn't mean them a certain way, or I'm misconstruing what he's saying or that it's my mental health picking up everything wrong.
He is depressed, he gets crabby really easily, everything gets him down, he just seems so sad.
He has said before that it's me that has caused his depression, we haven't been happy in 7 years, he's not sure he's 'in' love with me etc, but says it's all heat of the moment, it's not what he means, I'm reading in to things too much.
After we make up he'll tell me how much he loves me, he'd never leave me and I'm so confused. He says he doesn't make me happy either, but all I want is for him to be ok. I love him, and I feel so sad and guilty he's like this.
I found out at the start of the year he was looking at properties to move into but he said that he was just feeling down. I can't help but rethink all of these things he's done and said, but he always seems to twist things and say it's me taking it all the wrong way in my head. He even said last week that 'this isn't working anymore' and now he is saying I took it the wrong way and he was talking about the organisation of the house, not 'us'.
Due to my health I find it very difficult to keep up with household chores, and he gets really annoyed at this, but he only really helps when he gets so annoyed that he thrashes about doing it himself (making things worse). He's never done any washing, or cooked dinner. I ask him to mop the floors as that's a job I physically can't do and I honestly can't remember when they were last done. Yet he gets so pee'd off at me due to the mess.
If we ever try and talk about things it ends up in an arguement, which is a lot recently. He won't let me speak, and decides when he's had enough of a conversation after he's said his piece and made me feel crap. He won't go to couples counselling as he feels it will be all about me, I've begged him to go to the GP or speak to the carers centre and he won't.
He's fed up of hearing there's something wrong with me every day (as I said I have a long term disability) so I feel like I can't say if I am in extra pain or anything, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time.
He has mentioned before that I sleep too much (I lie down after my counselling sessions as I find them hard) and has said before I wouldn't be allowed the dc if we split because of this and my mental health issues. I know this is ridiculous as I do everything with the dc myself, but he has me doubting myself so much I'm not even sure which way is up at the moment.
He has hidden money issues which have come to light recently, and its hurtful. I feel like I'm not allowed to bring these up anymore, he was very sorry and apologised at the time but it feels like it's all under the carpet now even though it's still going on. He has a very expensive hobby and will spend and borrow to fund that and hide savings from me when I'm worrying how I will buy the dc certain things. He's said now that he's not going to be dealing with the money anymore I've to open an account and so it all myself as it causes too many arguement (I can't access banking) but when I said that it wasn't a mature way of dealing with it he started saying that I was calling him immature (which I wasn't meaning)
I am also finding something in our sexual relationship difficult, I can't mention it here but I have started speaking about it during counselling.
I know this seems like a complete moan about dh. It's not, he has his wonderful points and I know I am so hard and difficult to live with. We just seem so lost now, I don't know how to make him happy anymore. I'm going to every therapy session, the hardest thing I've ever had to do. When he said I was letting myself go I started making more of an effort, got my hair and nails done for him, I've lost a lot of weight. I don't know what he wants, when I ask if he wants to stay with us he accuses me of constantly questioning him.
He just doesn't feel close to me anymore, I feel like he doesn't even like me never mind fancy me.
Neither of us want to hurt the dc, he's a fantastic dad and they love him very much.
It's just a big mess isn't it.