Separated and struggling, need inspiration and positive stories of life post divorce

[thistoosha11pass]

After at least 3-4 years of definite unhappiness and about 3 of rocky before that, my DH and I have separated and I've filed for divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. I know it is the right thing and have finally found the courage after finding him on extra marital dating sites, the last of a string of porn/camming/hook up sites. He has been very distant and has not faced up to it without a fight.
This behaviour, and the subsequent emotional and physical withdrawal has completely undermined our marriage and now it is broken.

There is no trust, he is emotionally inept, he is chauvinistic, chronically impotent due to excessive porn use, he is tight with money, lazy in the home and jealous of my friends. EVERY SINGLE trip, excursion, holiday, I have organised,usually to a back drop of grumbling. On the outside he comes across as a really nice guy, people don't know about his darker side.

He refuses to move out until there is a 'deal', despite telling the children they could stay with me in the house and he would live near by. Btw he earns 7x what I do, and I am part time and take care of all the drop offs, pick ups and childcare. the atmosphere is dreadful and sharing a space is soul destroying.

I suppose I'm asking for positive stories to help me focus. I am eating crap, drinking too much, gaining weight and getting more and more sad. I feel low all the time and I know that I will feel better in time, but right now I feel deflated and tearful.

Please tell me it gets better

Sounds like you need to work on getting him out of there, if he is the one who is supposed to be going. Ask him several times a day whether he has found a place. Engage in conversations about his porn habit and impotence every time you are in a room together. Generally make him want to get a move on. Or could you move out with the kids?

In the meantime maybe take up some hobbies, look for a book club, start going to the cinema on your own and make the most of the fact that you still have someone there to look after the kids while you go out and kick-start your new life, finding new things to do and making new friends as a single person.

Obviously it gets much, much, much better! Basically about a second after he leaves.

Yes, I think there will be a. If shift in my mental health the moment he leaves, just hope I don't go under in the interim

It's really tough still living together after the decision to separate.

It really really WILL get better.

I spent a lot of time in bed feeling terrible and i think feeling awful and sad is unavoidable.
Then when it felt like more than I could cope with I briefly took up cycling which helped.

Just getting out for an hour in the evening might feel good given its such an awful atmosphere. Even to wonder around the supermarket. There might be a late night library. Cinema is a good suggestion and is my go-to since being single if DC aren't here.

I find audio books good for when I can't concentrate. They fill my head with "noise" and helped ease the endless rumination.

Is there an end in sight? What stage are you at?

Things will get better. Hang in there.

Is he sleeping on the sofa or in a spare room? Doing his own washing and meals? Can you set up your own little private space for the evenings?

Thanks for the support, great idea to go to out for an hour every evening, might get a months pass for swimming pool, might even lose some weight! I need to disengage and see it as a process, I'm sure it's a mindset, it's just blooming hard work

Join a gym or exercise class?

The exercise will give you head space and the endorphins lift your spirits. Get a fantastic hair cut.

In your shoes I would book a few mediation sessions, just tell him to be there, no choice. Be business like about wanting to carve the deal, use his language.

You're right. I need his pension valued to know what I can realistically ask for. But yes, I need to type out a list of what I (and the children) NEED. He seems to think I am trying to 'screw him over' , rather than actually planning for the future security of my kids.

I now need to switch into recovery mode and start self focusing in a positive way. I want to see this dead time as a chance go get my shit together, start being the new person I want to be, free from the misery if a bad marriage. Mine is the future to plan! No twunt to dictate or hold me back that's the bit I struggle with, the flicking of the switch from stuck to free.

My divorce was hellish, very acrimonious. He was convinced I was out to screw him to a wall and fought tooth and nail over all finances. I did well in the end. We ended up in court as he refused to play ball and the judge sorted him out. I had been more than reasonable all along so he was put in his place.
I remember the first night after everything was over, it was one of those memories that will stick forever. We had 3 kids all under 10 and I let them have friends over for a sleep over and massive pizza party. I had 18 kids under 10, the were having a blast laughing and playing music, they were surfing down the stairs on quilts etc. I sat there and watched them and it felt the best as they were never allowed to make noise when he was home, had to be quiet.
I got a full time job, sorted out wrap around care for before and after school and got on with things myself. ( NO family as I live in the USA and they are all in Scotland) I felt so free. It wasnt easy but I never expected it to be. I have since remarried and have been married to Dh longer than I was married to dickhead exh. Life is good.

It does get better, honestly.

I would love to say yes, but sorry it hasn't happened for me. I've done all the things you are supposed to. It's still 1 step forward and 2 steps back. Most days I go to sleep hoping I won't wake up

It is so hard... we had 9 months like that till stbxh finally did move out. I used time as pp suggest to talk to solicitors and organise documents. STBXH making every step a torture so 18 mos later still arguing finances but at least he is out!!!

Yes it DOES get better. As mentioned above, I really remember my first night in our own place, such a huge relief, I properly relaxed for the first time in years. No more treading on eggshells, really minor things like it meant we could finally get the cats he never allowed. It was a much smaller house, but we loved it and even now, 20 years on, my children talk about what a happy home it was.
Stay strong, keep focused on how it will be for you in the future.

Definitely don't agree anything financial without your solicitor. I thought I knew everything we had as I was the main person who dealt with our finances but, when he finally and at the very last minute, produced his Form E it was clear he had been stashing away substantial funds for years.

I'm convinced he would never have disclosed it on the Form E either except that our divorce coincided with the first of that high profile string of cases where women were allowed to reopen previous financial settlements because their exH had hidden assets. I'm sure there was more he was certain could never be found - he is just that sort of person - always likes to feel he is smarter than other people and has got one over them.

Remember, this man is not your friend and he will do everything he can to dick you over. If he is offering a settlement you can be sure it does not cover everything.

ChristinaParsons sorry to read your post. That sounds tough.

Christina parsons, I can completely empathise it's so up and down. Just got back from a week away with the children and my shoulders are up already. I can't believe how long this has gone on for some of you!!!

I now have the D80 form, I am wondering if I need to add something about his continued presence being detrimental to my health on there...

Thanks for the support