Family feud is so stressful

[thetruthwillsetyoufree]

Hi everyone this is my first post I need some advice,clarity, suggestions
We have had family feud with in inlaws for around 10 years. We have had times that we haven't spoke at all and times were we have tried to reconcile for the sake of our 4 kids. Over the last 5 years we have really been trying but every few weeks the arguments start again and it becomes worse. The biggest problem we seem to have is mil and fil favouritism towards the other Bils kids It's so unfair and our kids really feel it. Over the last 6 months things have got to the point now that i don't think we will speak to them again. Or we will just move away. He does have another brother who I feel we are sort of close to, he will come and visit the kids and ask how there doing the other sister doesn't want to know us either

Also while all this has been happening we have been planning our wedding, we decided to go and elope with our 4 kids and 2 friends as witnesses. It's something we have wanted to do for a few years. We decided not to tell anyone even the Bil we are close to because we just wanted a nice peaceful wedding. So we did it. It was amazing so romantic. We came back and obliviously all hell has broke lose. They have found out I am not sure how but I knew it would get back to them and we have had nasty messages / emails. I don't regret not telling anyone but it's hurtful why they can't just be happy for us. We are at the point now where we have cut some of our family members off and I don't really know where we go from here. Has any other members had to deal with this and was there any way of finding a solution and do you think it was wrong to elope ? Any advice would be appreciated

I wouldn't say it was wrong to elope, but I do kind of understand why they're upset - I'd be a bit gutted if my kids went and got married without a word to me or anyone else. But it sounds like there's enough problems between your family and your in-laws that no matter what you did, it would have been wrong, and possibly they would have interfered in any wedding plans had they known about them.

Favouritism is horrible, have you spoken to your in-laws, are they aware that they do it? What does your husband think? Does he have a problem to the same extent that you do, or is he not really fussed, this is "how they are" and you are the one making it a big deal in his mind?

I would suggest that you cut them off. You've tried and tried, and then tried again, and it still isn't working. They're obviously not fussed about your kids, and your children are aware of it now, so stop trying to force a relationship that isn't there, and cut them off. Ask the BIL that you do get on with not to speak about them, and not to speak TO them about you.

Delete, block, move - whatever works best, and then just focus on your kids, fill their lives with people who DO love them.

Your dc don't need a relationship with people that make them feel second best. . .
Nc and I bet you all feel better for it. .

Just remember that no one has any entitlement to a piece of your wedding. In years to come you will be very happy that you did it the way you wanted.
Mine was semi hijacked by the behaviour/demands of others and I am still regretful (and a bit resentful) that I didn't have the wedding I wanted.
Also remember that your children don't need anyone in their lives who treats them as second best. You will be doing your dc a massive favour if you spare them from exposure to people who don't properly value them. Just because someone is a relative, it doesn't make them a positive force in your children's lives.

So my advice is to tell them all the fuck off, mind their own business and then get on with your own lives. You will be happier wothout all the drama!

JoyoftheRed
We have had many discussions about the favouritism mil and fil say we are wrong and don't listen to us. I too understand why they are upset about us getting married but as you said either way they would have had something to say.
My husband is exactly the same if not worse with them about the situation. He wants nothing to do with them. I on the other hand wish we could sort it for our children. I wish they had a loving relationship with their grandparents xx

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. After 10 years of the same song and dance, at this point, you're allowing these toxic people to inflict hell on your life. You keep going back to try and "fix" things with people who can't and aren't interested in being fixed. Stop expecting a different result because there never will be. Cut them out of your lives, completely and permanently. You will be so much happier and so will your kids.

If they are too toxic for you and even their own son then they are too toxic for your DC.
Cut them out for good.

I can't see any resolve to this.
Don't respond to messages about your wedding, ignore, ignore, ignore.
As to your DC you either have to suck it up or go NC.

Congratulations on your wedding!
Let your dh take the lead on dealing with his family and support his decisions. He has more experience with them. Trust him.

Of course everyone wants the cuddly grandparent vision for their kids. It is nice if possible, but with these ils it doesn't look possible. It is not essential. Your dc will be fine without it. It is more important for dc to have happy parents.

It is great you called them out on it. They chose to ignore you. So your choices are to put up with it, or to disconnect from the relationship. I suggest disconnecting as it is not mentally healthy for you, your dh, or your dc to be around them. The degrading treatments destroy self esteem.

Go NC with these people and enjoy the freedom it brings. I do not think you did wrong in eloping at all; after all you are adults with freewill and are capable of making your own decisions.

Delete and block the nasty messages and emails; ignore any and all flying monkeys that your ILs will further now send into do their bidding for them. Flying monkeys are easily manipulated people and are not interested in hearing your side of things; their opinions should therefore be roundly ignored. They also act in their own interests rather than yours.

Toxic people like your ILs never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. They have responded actually in the usual ways.

You cannot ever reason with unreasonable and disordered of thinking people. A reconciliation was never ever going to happen because your DHs parents are at heart toxic and unreasonable.

I would suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward to further understand the dynamics. Your mistake here was to try reconciliation with them for the children; it was never ever going to work with these people. Presumably you did that as well because you come from a nice and functioning emotionally healthy family where this sort of dynamic is thankfully unknown. Your DH has clearly not been so lucky. The normal rules of familial engagement when it comes to dysfunctional families fly out the window and that is also why reconciliation will never happen either. Stop flogging the dead horse; it will do you no favours at all to try and receive approval from these people. They will never give you that. Your DH as well has had enough of his parents, after all he has had a lifetime of such conditioning at their hands and you should really follow his lead on this matter. They were not good parents to him when growing up and they are a bad example of grandparents to show your children as well.
Toxic parents more often than not make out for being toxic as grandparents too.