Is this right or am I paranoid?

[tallula]

Would like some perspective on this, nearly split up last year over dh flirting with work colleagues, just found out from a friend that dh has been introduced via email from a female colleague he used to work with to a girl who has just started working at another company dh used to work at, dh has exchanged emails with her and they have arranged to meet for lunch, she apparently wants to know how the politics work etc.there would be nothing beneficial professionally for dh to meet her as he is now working in a different type of business.

Dh has never mentioned this to me, and one of things we agreed was for him to be more open and reassuring. Do you think I need to be concerned, or should I accept that this is the norm??? etc

How did your friend find this out & how do they know whats going on?

Personally i would wonder.

Maybe he's not saying anything because he's afraid you'll be upset. Why not try to give him the benefit of the doubt and accept that he's doing someone a favour. Perhaps you could say "oh I've heard you're going to be meeting so and so, I think it's really nice of you to be helpful", so that he knows you're trying hard to trust him. IMO displays of trust are a good way of ensuring that a person becomes trustworthy. HTH

I'd ask him outright, it may be that this email correspondence is so insignificant and innocent on his side that he didn't think to mention it, but at least you'd know what was what.
Why is your friend telling you this? Was she concerned or was it just a harmless comment?

found out through a mutual friend of ours who works in the same area of work, I am just trying to work out if this is a normal thing to do or if dh could have said perhaps you could call me with any info you need etc or has dh seen it as some kind of opportunity?

If you've had past troubles and he's agreed to be more open and reassuring then I think he should probably have told you about this.

I've done similar meet-ups to give people advice about my area of business, but always just a quick coffee, with the person who introduced us there too.

If it was me, I wouldn't be happy with him meeting her for lunch alone tbh.

(Although I may not be in the right frame of mind to answer this right now!)

But my gut feeling is that if he's supposed to be open and honest then he should be. He's planning on meeting another woman innocently for lunch to discuss business, so why not just mention it to you? (Especially knowing you have mutual friends who could let it slip, or he could be seen. And especially given the background.)

I do want to trust him, but it's a catch22, I've told him he needs to communicate these things, so I don't read something into it, but he doesn't incase I get the wrong idea, so we go round and round!

I agree MLS If I'm honest I don't understand why he has arranged to meet someone for lunch, even if innocent, but completely unnecessary when he knows I could hear it from someone and our relationship is so fragile, why would he bother risking rocking the boat again, or can he just not resist meeting up with a female?

It really could be completely innocent and like you say he doesn't want to mention it in case he worries you, but then you find out this way and it makes things worse.

Deep down do you feel like he's really trying to make your relationship work and you are both really happy together?

Could this simply be a bit of paranoia given the past?

Not making excuses for him, but some people just enjoy the attention from the opposite sex in whatever form it comes. That's not to say he'll jump into bed with them at the first opportunity though! Some people just like the ego boost now and again and don't think of it as much more than that.
(That doesn't help you feel better I know!)

Can you have a good talk to him about what you found out and how it's making you feel? Some good advice I've received lately is to spell it out that he really needs to do everything he can to reassure you?
Say you have no probs with whoever he meets and when, you'd just prefer to know instead of finding out as thought it's some big secret. Sounds like he has a bit of making up to do IMO and he really should be trying harder.

Thanks for your support MLS, I think you've hit the nail on the head, I have spelt it out to him, talked and talked, left, came back, wrote letter, spelt it out in emails etc. but he has slipped back into the old self. Also I think he is the type of bloke who cant resist attention from opposite sex, but under the circumstances I think he should be making more effort,

the big think for me is I'm not sure I want to be with a guy who just loves attention from the opposite sex, and can't resist any opportunity, it's too much hard work now, since everything that's happened.

I'm sorry. I feel reluctant in giving advice either way as I don't want to suggest he's up to no good when he clearly may not be, but also I don't want to tell you you're being paranoid when you're the one who knows him best.

I'd say trust your instincts. What do you believe deep down? What do you want from your relationship and can you get that from being with him? Trust your heart and I'm sure you'll do what's right for you.

Just don't let him take advantage. If he loves you I'd hope he would accept how his behaviour hurts/affects you and modify it. Only you can decide if/when enough is enough.

There's support here if you need it though xx