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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Grumpy husband!

22 replies

conejito23 · 09/08/2017 21:38

Hello Mumsnet!

Not a Mum and ancient, but got a super grumpy husband! Getting worse by the day. Takes after his father and grandfather who were both miserable bastards! I was warned that his family was weird before I married him 39 years ago but sadly I didn't listen. getting to the point where I leave - which I have considered many, many, many times before or end it all. That bad. Problem is, if I leave It'll be like abandoning a child - he can't cook (can barely heat up M&S food), no idea how washing machine works, no idea about our investments. I've dealt with everything financial and otherwise for 40 years and I still get gyp about how inefficiently I'm doing things!! I'm a dog walker, so if I exit off the mortal coil I'll leave many charges in the lurch overnight! Can't do it!! But so wish to do it....... He makes me so miserable. Negativity out of every pore, moans moment he wakes up to moment he goes to sleep (snoring). At my wits end........

OP posts:

CockacidalManiac · 09/08/2017 21:57

His inability to perform normal, everyday tasks isn't your problem. It's his choice. Sounds like you're wasted enough time on him, don't serve a life sentence.

GlitterSparkles17 · 09/08/2017 22:07

The fact he's a man child isn't your problem, just leave him if he makes you that unhappy, you can't stay with someone because they don't know how to use a washing machine, he will learn

horridhenrysdog · 09/08/2017 22:09

My grandpa never lifted a finger in his marriage. Very traditional. Grandma asked him to help more but he said no.

She died and he had to function. What choice did he have?

Your dh won't just wither away and die through lack of nutrition. Go whilst you can.

Maelstrop · 09/08/2017 22:14

He'll cope if you love him, but don't shuffle off this mortal coil! Just get everything together, finances etc and either kick him to the curb or sell up and live the rest of your life as you wish.

RandomMess · 09/08/2017 22:16

He's an adult, go live your life!

orangesinpyjamas · 09/08/2017 22:19

You only get one shot at this. Please leave him and find some happiness. Don't waste your precious life.

LuxuryWoman2017 · 09/08/2017 22:19

He'll survive, stay with him and surviving is all you'll do. Go live your life. I've just binned a grumpy fucker and it's like the clouds have lifted and everyday is sunny!

orangesinpyjamas · 09/08/2017 22:20

Oh and when I left my husband (totally different reasons) he taught himself how to cook/clean etc. And now functions perfectly well without me.

DadOctave · 09/08/2017 22:26

Sounds like his side of the family is pre-disposed to depression, that tends to make blokes grumpy/miserable, runs on my dad's side of the family (so I'm blessed with that and Arthritis! Great!)

Seriously though, if you can leave, do it, you only have one life, grab that freedom. Never ever worth ending it, especially on someone else's account! Personally I'd go crazy, sell everything and go on a few cruises around the world or something :-)

Afterthestorm · 09/08/2017 22:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dappledsunlight · 09/08/2017 22:33

Sorry to hear you're suffering due to grumpy husband, conejito. Could he be depressed? Sounds as if he is making you feel so. Do you have a good trustworthy friend you could offload to? Do you have a hobby or interest that could help you meet other people who would be a more positive influence? Could you pay it on the line to him about how upsetting his behaviour is and how it is threatening your marriage?

SentientCushion · 09/08/2017 23:05

Oh my goodness, am I reading that wrong or are you suggesting that the thought of staying with your husband makes you want to kill yourself?

Please please leave him now, it's not your fault he's an incompetent arse. Go live your life, go find a colourful life full of laughter and joy and dancing.

He will learn to heat up a ragu I promise.

Naicehamshop · 09/08/2017 23:15

Please don't do anything drastic. Honestly, there is a happy life out there for you -leave the old misery and get out into the world and enjoy yourself. He will survive (write down the instructions for the washing machine before you go if it makes you feel better!)

Aquamarine1029 · 10/08/2017 02:04

Set yourself free from this misery. You still have a lot of life left to live. Trust me, your husband will manage to survive with his miserable self without you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/08/2017 07:49

Do not simply go on existing with this manchild you have shackled yourself to for so long. Break free of him. Why have you stayed to date, what do you get out of this relationship now?.

Behaviour like this can also be learnt; not altogether surprised to see that his father and grandfather were the self same too (all dysfunctional). Your H does this because he can and it works for him; you have stayed till now. His inability to actually perform everyday tasks is not your problem but you have made it yours to fix at great cost to yourself.

Joysmum · 10/08/2017 09:26

There's a big difference between can't, and never has had to.

I don't know many people who can't function when push comes to shove, even if it's to lesser standards.

I'm going to blunt here and it's up to you to decide whether the cap fits for you too...

My mum always threatens to leave, said she wasn't happy. Made excuses as to why she couldn't go. It was only years later when she'd finally gone and I was an adult, I realised the excuses were just that. She actually wasn't ready to leave and made the excuses to cover up what she saw as her weakness to leave for herself. She didn't want to admit to herself that she actually wasn't ready. I asked her as much and she went all quiet and as the lightbulb moment hit her.

Sad thing was, if she'd confronted her fears about leaving rather than hiding from them, she'd have tried to overcome them and been capable of leaving years before she did.

Zaphodsotherhead · 10/08/2017 12:01

Presumably he can read? Therefore he can read an instruction manual and a recipe book. Nobody ever died of having to learn how to function for themselves.

They did, however, die of misery. Don't let your fears for him (natural, you've been with him a long time) let him trap you into having to listen to his whinging. If you'd rather stay than leave, then try walking away whenever he moans, or singing loudly over the sound of whining. But I'd advocate walking away, having told him why. Leave the instruction manuals on the worktop. He'll be fine.

Applebloom · 10/08/2017 12:26

He'd function perfectly well if he had to. No manchild has died as of yet from wife leaving him to sort himself out!
man found malnourished wife left

They either get a replacement fairly fast, return to mummy or just flipping feed n care for themselves.

How does he cope at work do you have to shadow him all day??

Holidayhooray · 10/08/2017 12:29

Sounds bloody awful

You have contributed very significantly to this mess though, you must see that. 39 years. He can't even heat something up.

Original poster

conejito23 · 10/08/2017 13:05

Thank you all for comments and suggestions. Caps fitting well! I know it's of my doing. The question about what does he do at work? He doesn't - he works with me as a dog walker so we are together in the car practically whole day. Was much better when he did work leaving at 7 and back at 7pm. Retired unfortunately and that's the problem. Too much time together. To cap it all he was diagnosed with bladder cancer last year. Not terminal but needs ongoing treatment and ops. What sort of a bitch would I be if I leave him now? Can you imagine? Can't see the way out of this. Thanks again for your comments. Much appreciated.

OP posts:

Joysmum · 10/08/2017 17:39

Oh cone I really feel for you.

What you say about being together too much due to retirement makes perfect sense and I'm sure you know it's a common issue, like empty nest syndrome is for parents who kids leave and then they realise they have nothing in common.

Ok so daft point number 2 from me coming up, brace yourself

Do you think there's anyway to improve your marriage enough for it to be happy again? Is there anyway you can raise the idea of gaining time apart to pursue hobbies or even that you both share your workload and do the jobs separately. Could it possibly that tweaks to your routines and having freedom to explore your own selves could be what's needed?

I ask only because I struggled when my dh started working from home more and more. I love him to but but omg he's really annoying and I need my own space otherwise I'll be doing time and our daughter will be parentless!

It could be that he needs space for him as much as you do for you. Would it be worth thinking about what's possible so you have some suggestions and asking him if he'd like to try doing things differently and asking him to think of what might work for him. Obviously he'd need time to think of ideas too but it might work. What do you think?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/08/2017 17:54

Cone

The problems in this marriage were there long before he retired. You wrote also that his father and grandfather behaved the self same as your H does; they do this because they can and it works for them. You made a mistake in marring him all those years ago; you do not have to keep paying for that error over and over now by continuing to stay with him.

You stay and have done so for your own reasons; it has nothing to do really with his apparent inability to heat up a ready meal. It is not your problem if he cannot cook but you have certainly enabled this situation to continue as it has done. He would still moan and groan at you if you were seriously ill too.

You can still leave if you want to but you're making the choice to stay by saying that he can't cook, would feel like a bitch to leave because he needs ongoing treatment. You feel like you would be abandoning him (perhaps his father's and grandfather's wives thought the same too). These are your very own purpose built obstacles you use against leaving him, they are really excuses not to act.

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