Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

How to break a friendship before it breaks itself?

17 replies

pineappleontoast · 09/08/2017 21:36

We've been friends since we were at school, but we both took very different paths. I have children, friend does not and claims to never want children, often complaining that she does not like children at all.
she has made some effort with my children in the past, mainly in terms of gifts rather than her time.
However, my tolerance is waning in terms of the *frustrated face messages I receive when I can't do exactly what my friend wants at the drop of a hat because of my children! She huffs and puffs, makes derogatory comments about their behaviour (they are generally well behaved I feel) and blatantly doesn't have a clue.
She gets really awkward about having to meet me in places are not chosen by her when I have to bear in mind I'm towing DCs or live quite a distance from.her. it's proving difficult.

I could handle this more if it wasnt for the faces and remarks and sighs, but it's making me not want to bother much anymore. I feel we've drifted apart and I am happy now to allow this to happen naturally, but my friend continues pursuing our friendship.
I don't want to have a direct conversation with her about this and I don't want to hurt her feelings, she doesn't have many friends, but I genuinely feel enough is enough.

OP posts:

Original poster

pineappleontoast · 09/08/2017 21:53

And how to approach this?

OP posts:

troodiedoo · 09/08/2017 22:09

Think all you can do is keep declining invitations. She will get the hint eventually. Hopefully.

troodiedoo · 09/08/2017 22:11

When doing so, just say no bluntly but politely. No explanations or offers of future dates. Just no, can't make it.

maudeismyfavouritepony · 09/08/2017 22:11

Decline invitations, forget birthday....

Or be honest and tell her that her behaviour is rude and upsetting

waitingforthewaterwars2 · 10/08/2017 03:04

Just fade away if you don't want to directly confront her.
Don't be available at the times she suggests, have a "sick' child , extend the time it takes to respond to her messages.The more derogatory the comments, the longer the time it takes to you to get back to her etc.

Angelf1sh · 10/08/2017 05:53

Why can't you just be honest? If this was a post about a guy ghosting you the responses would all be saying that he was a coward and a shit. If you tell her that her comments about your kids are upsetting you then she may well modify her behaviour. If she's been your friend that long then she deserves an explanation. If you want to be a coward and a shit then say no to everything for a while then just stop responding to to her messages.

category12 · 10/08/2017 06:24

Hang on, if this is the main issue and otherwise you like her, I would back off but not end the friendship. Your dc will grow up and become independent, and you may end up with more common ground again. I am not advising you put up with her huffing and puffing - call her out on it.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 10/08/2017 06:31

I'd be tempted to tell her exactly what you said on here, but if you do, in her mind she'll be "right" I.e. Her belief your children are a pain will be proven. Not sure it'll help the situation.

I agree with what others have said, I think be polite and kind but often unavailable.

Neoflex · 10/08/2017 06:33

Maybe OP'S friend is a scary witch who can't handle criticism. In which case the phase out approach works excellently. Just imagine she's one of those people in the street with a clipboard begging you to sign up to save a tree in the Amazon or something.

Lonoxo · 10/08/2017 07:41

If she's a good a friend as you say she is, perhaps you should talk to her about this and how it makes you feel. Say that you value her friendship but she hasn't quite grasped how your life has changed. If she wants to keep on being your friend, she has to modify her behaviour. Sometimes people don't realise the consequences of their behaviour if you don't call them out on it. If she listens and takes it on board, then the friendship will be saved. If she doesn't, then you have your answer.

Lonoxo · 10/08/2017 07:42

I would only do this for a good friend. If you don't want to save the friendship, do the slow fade.

maddie134 · 10/08/2017 07:44

I was ghosted by a good friend because we were at different lifestyle stages and it hurt a lot. A few years later we reached a point in our lives where we could potentially have been friends again but because the ghosting had confused and hurt me so much, I just didn't want to try again.

Based on this experience, I think if I were ever in this situation I'd be honest with the friend and explain that I needed a break from the friendship for a while because we were at different life stages, say that I realised that this would upset her and that i hoped in the future I might be in a better place to restart the friendship again. Yes this might upset her, but so probably will making up reasons why you can't meet or any attempt at a slow fade.

derenstar · 10/08/2017 08:03

I had a friend like this. In the end, I did the whole distancing, not being available & not responding to texts thing when dd2 came along because I literally had no time or energy for her. Fast forward 6 years and she's had her first and preggers with no.2. Suddenly she wants us to be best buddies again and is looking to move to the town we live in; the same town she once declared was filled with boring stepford wives wannabes and their brats. I still have no time for her and I have no desire to restart the friendship. We're at different stages in life and I do wish her the best in finding like minded people.

OP, sounds like your friendship has run its course and you need new friends that you share a common ground with at this stage in your life. You're doing the right thing in letting it go.

HollySykes · 10/08/2017 08:11

As far as I can see the answer is simple, don't meet her with your kids. Go out and have an adult evening/lunch, leave your dcs with someone else. I have 3 dcs who are now teens, I wouldn't want to meet up with a friend who brought their child.

Only1scoop · 10/08/2017 08:16

Agree
Meet up when you don't have dc in tow.

Original poster

pineappleontoast · 10/08/2017 08:28

I Try to meet without DCS in tow but like I said in my original thread, she is very awkward with times and locations to meet, meaning I can't adhere to her small windows of time with DCS due to childcare arrangements etc. Tried meeting her in the evenings, but we live quite far away from each other so it involves an overnight stay, which costs more money and more childcare; I also do not enjoy nights away from my DCs; I know some do, but I just don't, never have.

OP posts:

CherieBabySpliffUp · 10/08/2017 08:40

Honesty is the best policy here for me. I wouldn't want to be ghosted.
Have you explained why you can't meet at short notice?
Where is your children's father in all this?
Surely he could look after them if you were to have a night out local to you. If she values your friendship she could stay overnight near you.

Flip