Would this upset you?

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

Say you were watching a box set with your boyfriend and you were discussing which character you'd be. If you suggested a character and he said 'You can't be her, she's MUCH better looking than you.' Would you be hurt? Particularly if you weren't talking about looks but about the character?

Thanks JK. It's good to know that this process is a normal thing. I've even written letters to my ex telling him how wrong his behaviour was. But I wouldn't send them. No point. Maybe it's because my boyfriend treats me well that this is coming back to me.

I wrote a long letter too, to his DM. Didn't send it obviously but it made me feel better. I don't know where my anger came from really. I'd been split from ex 2 years and with DP about 6 months when it hit me. It was overwhelming for a few weeks but it's gone now

It was him, not you. He was abusive to his ex too. Nasty fucker.

The last straw was when he was messaging me about sex after we'd broken up and the woman he was taking to a wedding that evening had gone for a wax. So he was sexting me and then he said he had to go as she was back. He'd even told me stuff they'd done sexually. I told him I never ever wanted to see or hear from him, that he was a selfish arrogant bastard who treated me and other women terribly. I told him he was lucky I didn't tell this new woman what he was up to, but I was a nicer person than him and she was more than welcome to him. Enjoy!
Then I never ever contacted him again.

Mine was a lazy ignorant emotionally abusive arse who stole from me, frightened me for his own enjoyment etc. Knob! We're much better off now

I dated a complete twat like this once. He wasnt as verbally vile but after a lovely honeymoon period, he used me to pay for his stuff, give him very long lifts & then he would ignore me for days. Ridiculous that I tolerated it.

I was extremely emotionally vulnerable at the time - he knew that & abused it.

If it brings you any peace, I'd try to put it down to life experience. He's taught you lessons on how you don't want to be treated & as you wouldn't put up with that kind of shit now, it wasn't for nothing. And it's an experience which has made you the current 'you' who is loved & valued.

You sound like a lovely lady I am sooo glad you have met someone who really appreciates you....wishing you lots of happiness in the future

I do wonder what makes these men like this. I think what's hard is knowing that he'll never regret or take responsibility for a single thing he's done.

And the kind messages and experiences you've shared on here are really helpful. Thank you so much.

Far - id guess they're replicating aspects of their childhoods.... my exH was.
H e says he regrets being selfish, immature, ( add PA, resentful, spiteful, mean, childish and minimiser to that list)

I cant even say for sure that my life is better without him. its probably less personally stressful but its still sad, fraught with emotion and frustration. Im so fucked off with myself that i am not over him enough.

I dish out advice here about it being a long road and today it feels like the road to nowhere....

I think its normal to question or query in the sense of being curious or inquisitive. However you will never know why. He probably couldn't tell you why, and, if he did, hes probably made something up. Thats the thing, we think they will be reasonable post split (or at least I did) but i am still wasting my breath. Every time i relax a bit, his mask slips.

I just think, if you don't like someone, then end it with them. End it cleanly, but firmly and then go completely no contact in order to let them heal and get on with their lives. Some men seem to think, no, what I'll actually do, is gradually become more and more distant. I'll stop kissing her, but I'll continue having sex. I'll insult, bully and abuse her and resent everything about her, so that she has no self esteem. Then I'll take part in vile sex games when I know I'm using her and other women. That's obviously a much better course of action...

But I've been googling this man's ex wife and asking myself why I wasn't good enough and she was. He really truly loved her and he hated me.
He coudn't have loved her that much if she divorced him for emotional abuse!!!

She left him for another man in the end.

Not in the slightest. I'm not renowned for my looks to be honest .

Stevie xxx

See that's it, my looks have always been important to me and he knew that. That's why he said it.

See that's it, my looks have always been important to me and he knew that. That's why he said it

Oh mine are important to me; just not of a particularly high standard and not something I'm at all sensitive about. If your DP knew that it mattered to you then he really shouldn't have made the comment

It was my birthday. I'd just had lip filler (done well), eyelash extensions, my eyebrows done, teeth whiteness, hair done. And he said that. No compliments. He isn't my dp and never really was. I still hate him, that's what I'm struggling with. I'm getting loads done to my house as he used to criticise it. And I have a huge knot of anxiety in my stomach.

*teeth whitened

Ah sorry, I missed one of the messages: didn't realise that you were no longer together

Time will lessen the anxiety, I promise.

S x

I would be really upset by that comment. His comments were no reflection on you but on him, his insecurity and need to keep you in check. Well done for getting rid.