Feeling so sad. Don't know how to pick myself up...

[isthismummy]

Bit of a pity post here, so apologies in advance for that...

Just feeling like such a failure atm. I should be on top of the world. I got married in June to a man I genuinely love and want to be with. However I had an early miscarriage two days after wedding (after been told on eve of wedding by hospital that my pregnancy was failing) We'd been ttc for over a year and I'd been told my chances were exceptionally low due to poor egg reserves. It was my only ever pregnancy (at 38) and who knows if I'll even ever fall pregnant again?

On top of that I feel utterly frustrated by my job. I do outreach work with learning disabilities, but it's zero hours and quite hit and miss. It's not as easy as just getting another job as we get a flat for reduced rent as part of my position. So even though I'm totally unfulfilled my work keeps the roof over our heads. I still don't feel I'm good enough though. I just feel like such a failure whilst I watch other people around me have great careers, start families etc.

I'm at the point where I don't even want to talk to DH about it as I feel like a miserable broken record. I just feel so sad atm and like nothing I do is ever good enough.

Not even sure what I'm hoping to hear really. I just want to let it all out without being told "think positive" etc.

Miscarriage can often lead to depression. Then everything feels wrong. Have some counselling. It will help you as you have been through an ordeal.

It's really hit me now wedding is over. We also are just back from a trip abroad for a privately operation to hopefully help me conceive naturally again. Now I feel under pressure to conceive again asap cos I spent all our savings on the operation.

I can't afford private counselling atm sadly. I've tried referring myself back to a low cost place I was at previously, but been told I'm not a priority as I've already been a client.

Going to have to look into some other places. I feel quite desperate. Don't want to go back on anti depress though as they can hinder ttc. It's a vicious circle basically

I'm so sorry about your miscarriage. I don't know what else to say other than that because I know nothing I could say would make it feel better.

Sending you love. You are worth much more than you think. xx

Thank you thestamp that's very kind of you.

Ttc and miscarriage is very tough and can make you feel very low.Its especially hard if you are not enjoying for job as no alternative focus.

If your mood feels low for an extended time do consider seeing a GP.I had several miscarriages and they resulted in depression but I didn't see a GP quick enough so felt low for a long time.

It's not that I hate my job. I'm just not very challenged by it. Plus it's mainly community based so no interaction with work colleagues etc. Ironically though I don't feel mentally equipped for anything else. My emotions are so up and down that I'd be scared to take on a tougher role.

I'm so sorry about your miscarriages Hermonie I would go to gp, but I don't want to take tablets in case they hinder ttc. Plus NHS counselling is basically pointless. I've had it before and it was just six cbt sessions which solved precisely nothing.

Currently feel like I shouldn't have even married DH. He's years younger than me and he should be out enjoying life, not saddled to a baby obsessed nervous wreck. We have male factor infertility too (the joy) so no drinking, no food indulging (or if I do I'm crippled with guilt after) We don't go out anymore cos we can't drink and I used to love a good night out.

It's just utterly, unremittingly shite

I'm currently filled with profound sadness and regret myself OP, and your words about looking at those around you and seeing what they have hit a nerve for me.

I'm trying very hard to see what I have, to count my blessings. There's nothing I can do to fix my regret (I have tried to no avail) so I have to come to terms with it, similar to you. Focusing on what I don't have was making me incredibly low, heading for suicidal. Thinking about what I DO have is helping.

Could you do some extra study in your zero hour weeks? Would work find it?

*Fund, not find

I'm sorry sorry you are feeling so down.

One thing I would say is that you need to share all this with your dh, don't try to protect him from your feelings. Marriage thrive when you are partners in all aspects of life. Tell him you really love him and him lots of hugs, tell what you've said in your opening post and that although he can't solve your woes, your life is better for having him by your side. Try to talk through together what you might be able to do to lift yourself and see hope. He knows and loves you best of anyone so might be able to see things that you can't.

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach I'm so sorry you are feeling as you do. It is so desperately unfair that we have to suffer like this. I do try and count my blessings. Sometimes it works, but in bad weeks like this nothing lifts my spirits. It comes in waves though, so hopefully next week will be better. I wish you all the best

joysmum I do talk to DH. In fact if anything I probably obsess about everything too much. He is supportive, but I worry he will get sick of hearing about it all and that he'll end up just as depressed as me. We should be joyous newly weds, but in reality he's got a wife that spends half her time in tears. We have been planning trips away etc so that we have things to take our minds off it. I also just got a puppy and she's the sweetest thing ever. Although I get very anxious over raising/training her properly.

Thank you for your kind words. It means a lot that total strangers can take the time to care.

but I worry he will get sick of hearing about it all and that he'll end up just as depressed as me

Is that something you think would happen to you if the roles were reversed?

I don't know if it's available in your area, but apart from a trip to your GP because I really would like to think that'd would help, some areas will allow you to self refer to iTalk and that's independent of needing a GP referral. You can look online to see if you can. I hope so. It was the start of the changes I needed and I ended up eventually doing the max sessions possible and can't tell you how different I am now. Same shit I've always had but I cope now. Also I don't feeling guilty for coping and don't believe that I need to hurt because of my guilt. It's ok for me to be ok now and iTalk got me to that stage as well as giving me the skills I need to self manage myself better.

isthis you know something needs to change and I promise you it is possible, you need to get help though just as I did because my dh was out of his depth and couldn't help me.

I checked italk out Joysmum and it sounds really good. Unfortunately it's not available in my area. I'm looking into low cost counselling places, but they are thin on the ground. My former clinic says I'm now way down on the list as I left and now want to come back (I only left because my work pattern changed and they couldn't accommodate this)

I don't think GP could do anything but offer me ADs which I can't have.

I just can't see things changing unless I can have a baby. I literally cannot imagine my future without children. I'd honestly rather be dead! I couldn't let my DH live a child feee life either, so we'd have to split up. He's only young. I feel like I shouldn't have married him atm.

You can have antidepressants whilst TTC and stop them after. Talk to your GP as it's a balance of benefit/risk for you/pregnancy.

You could also give NHS counselling another try. The CBT course offered may be slightly different or you may receive it differently this time.

Do you have to be off alcohol completely or just be sensible and definitely no binge drinking? What's that about food?

I'm sorry you're feeling down but it's understandable after the high of pregnancy and planning for the wedding when you then had the miscarriage. I hope your recent procedure is helpful.

If you go to topics/trying to conceive/infertility there is a wonderful community there of people going through same and similar, lots of practical support and empathy.

Thoughts with you.

I wonder if you could have a holiday from ttc for a month. Enjoy being married, have fun.

Hi OP, so sorry you are feeling like this. My little piece of advice would be, for you and you DH to have a night out. Take a break from this, just to be together and remember why you're together, not just to make a baby. Maybe book s weekend away. Good luck x

I don't think GP could do anything but offer me ADs which I can't have

With the greatest respect, you don't KNOW what your GP could offer and it's got to be worth making an appointment to at least find out because you need to be able to feel better

Also look into the different Charlie's and support groups that might be able to help. I work for a charity and we're doing more and more to fill in the growing gaps that our struggling NHS is leaving.