An impossible situation

[Twinklyfaerieglade]

Mum has been ill for 40 years. Rheumatoid arthritis. Paralysed and housebound for 15 years. Dad looks after her with help from me and carers.However he does 80% plus. They are both 88.

She now also suffers from dementia (last 5 years).

She eats and drinks very little. Impossible to weigh because of her inability to bear weight or sit in a sling without support but her legs are the same circumference as a £2 coin, so I guess 4 stone. At her healthy, heaviest she was only 8st.

Never taken medication in 40 years. Have managed to get her onto morphine patches in the last few weeks as she cries out with pain. I took early retirement to spend time with them a few months ago.

GP is excellent, comes to see her every 2 weeks if she is "stable" and extra visits if needed. He wanted her to have the morphine (as did I) because of her obvious distress but advises no further investigation as, in his view, she is very close to death.

Dad said today he expects her to see her 90th birthday. It is possible. She has massively outlived previous prognoses. He will move heaven and earth to achieve that. However, in the past she had a quality of life, now she just lies in bed and cries. I just feel horrible. I don't want what my dad wants. I don't see the point.

How do I be a good daughter to them both?

You might want to get this moved to the elderly section. You'll get lots of advice there.

I have elderly parents and it's been a difficult year. Getting the right care packages in place in their home, power of attorney, about to sell their house to move to something to suit my mothers inability to move on her own.

I think the best thing you can do is get the right care package in place for your mum so your dad also gets some respite. Try and make what they have left as healthy and happy as possible, good fresh food. Get the legal stuff in place. Etc

Wow - I've honestly no idea.
I'd also hate to see a loved one suffering.
As your Dad is her carer most of the time I suppose you just have to be there for him when he needs you.
It sounds awful and I'm sorry you are going through all this.

No wonder you feel horrible seeing your mum in so much distress, it sounds really upsetting. Also that sounds like a massive thing to take on a caring role for them both in lieu of your job... I hope you still have enough time to yourself and with your friends etc and that you feel like you have enough support around you? It sounds like you are a brilliant daughter in already caring so much for them both, but it also sounds like you're going to need a lot of support yourself to manage this really hard situation so that you don't end up feeling angry or resentful (which would also be understandable)

I'm in a similar position, except I'm more or less a live-in carer for my 90 yr old Dad. What I'd do is to talk honestly to your Dad - ask him if he thinks your Mum would want to carry on living in her current position - is he capable of having that conversation with you? My Dad often talks about 'having come to the end' and wanting to just go, peacefully. He's not suffering, and some days he's positively joyful - but I can see he's not really enjoying the physical and mental (he has mixed dementia) aspects of aging.

For your Mum, all you can do is be there, and make sure she gets the best care possible - but you know that, and you're doing it. I think the best we can do is to be there to support our parents, listen to them, make sure they get all the help that's available, and yet still allow them to make the decisions they're capable of.

Personally, I am the most unlikely carer ever - not a role I ever expected to take on - and I do it kinda by the seat of my pants - you just do what you think the most beneficial thing is. For my Dad, that means I need to make sure he can live out his life at home, surrounded by familiar things, with added vodka, Sauvignon Blanc, and cigars (this is SO outing, for anyone who knows me!), and that he knows someone's there to look out for his best interests, who loves him.

You also have to look after yourself - I'd go (more) nuts if I couldn't get out and socialise once or twice a week. Feel free to PM me if you ever fancy a chat, or a rant :)

Oh gosh. How kind of everyone here to take the time to respond and send kind thoughts x

jeaux thank you for your advice. I hate to ask this but how do I get it moved? I am so stupid I thought I has posted in that section. Mum has the max care package ( worked in that field so was well informed). Dad and respite is a hopeless case. He won't, long, sad, family story.

helsbellesmelon you made me well up.

ellicade no not great, just normal. They have been better to me than I can ever be to them, but thank you x

furrydogmother I am also the least likely carer. You are so kind I am welling up.
I don't know how to DM. Ironically can you ZdM me to explain please?