How to deal with narc family?

[Sosks]

Both my dad and older sister are narcissists, and extremely manipulative. Their emotional abuse has had a profound effect on our family, most recently leading to my younger sister ending up in an emotionally abusive relationship herself where police involvement has been necessary. She couldn't see all the red flags because we were raised believing it was normal. We are now all beginning to see exactly the damage they've done.

My question is how do others deal with narcissistic family members? I would absolutely love to go entirely NC with the both of them, but as I'm almost full term with a baby with a poor prognosis, it would be unfair of me to not allow them the chance to meet him at least, though I wish I didn't have to.

My father's current favourite activity is to repeatedly message people, and if they don't reply fast enough then he will threaten to leave the country and send endless abusive messages about how we all don't care. His threats to leave the country are worded so you might also believe he is talking about suicide. If you call him out on it, he will empathically deny it. He has form for this; when my parents divorced he told my mum the police would 'need to collect his body' and when she called them, he couldn't understand why they were at his door...

My sister's current favourite activity is posting endlessly about her illnesses for attention and more recently using the deaths of people she 'knew' as Facebook lessons. Think: 'today I learned life is too short', cue questioning comments and her blasting all the details of this poor person's tragedy in the comments. They never even get a name. My biggest fear is that if my son doesn't make it, he will become her next Facebook attention seek.

What would you do?

I am so sorry you have to deal with this.

I give absolutely no information and refuse to be alone with them.

But in your case, screw em. Take care of yourself and your family. What would be unfair is if they take this and use it for their own narc supply.

When the time comes. Don't tell them you are in the hospital. Block them and only unblock when you are ready. Even then get your oh to call. Give the bare basics and don't engage.

I agree with Aussie. Put your baby first, you and your husband have to deal with that together, without worrying about any other bullshit. I wouldn't give it another thought until the time is right and you are strong enough to handle it. I wouldn't even tell them you are in hospital

If you do want them to visit,make it a quick cup of tea and tell your sister that under no circumstances should she put anything about you/your baby on Facebook because it's private.

Good luck

"My question is how do others deal with narcissistic family members?
I would absolutely love to go entirely NC with the both of them, but as I'm almost full term with a baby with a poor prognosis, it would be unfair of me to not allow them the chance to meet him at least, though I wish I didn't have to".

You still have a choice here ; you do not have to allow them to meet your child.

Do not let these two meet your as yet unborn child; they will simply use this person as their narcissistic supply and make this child's prognosis all about them (your sister in particular could do this and criticise you into the process). You could well kick yourself for allowing them to see your child.

These people were and are patently not a good father or sister to you so why would they behave any better with your child?. Short answer is that they will not; they have not changed at all.

Such toxic people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

You would also have not tolerated this from a friend, family are no different.

The best thing for you and your child going forward is to go no contact with them altogether. Read up further on narcissistic personality disorder and also roles within narcissistic family structures (your role here seems very much that of the scapegoat, children of scapegoats more often than not also get scapegoated as well).

In my experience, my mother is a narcissist, is to distance yourself.
Sorry to hear about your baby, my son is going through medical tests for a serious condition, possibly life limiting and we have kept that info away from my mother because of what she may say to ds.

Well for one, just because your father sends repeated texts making stupid threats doesn't mean you have to respond. If you aren't going to go no contact that doesn't mean you still have to let him control you. When he says he's going to leave the country, text back "Whatever you think is best" or "Ok" and leave it at that. Don't respond again. Take back your own power, don't keep allowing yourself to be held as an emotional hostage. Let your dad and sister play all the stupid games they want. It doesn't mean you have to play along.

Infact the best thing to do with all these texts is not to at all respond to them. I would consider blocking these two family members altogether.
Drop the rope they hold out for you and do not engage them in any sort of conversation.

Thanks all for your responses sorry this is a bit long!

I have actually stopped responding to my dad, I even made it clear I wasn't going to be in touch, however he continues to reach out and is now trying to guilt trip my OH, 'I thought you two forgot about me' etc etc and has told my younger sister he doesn't understand why I 'had a go' at him. He clearly does understand though as he's been overly nice to my younger sister since I messaged him (presents, 'I love yous' etc - he doesn't say 'I love you' and would hold you hostage over 50p!). Seems like he only knows how to be a Father when he's got some strings to pull! As an aside, he's booked himself a holiday to Spain over my due date? Perhaps his own selfishness will prevent him meeting my son anyway.

I also keep contact with my sister to an absolute minimum. Thankfully easy as she is too busy trying to get internet attention to harass me like my dad does. That's the only part of her attention seeking I'm grateful for; she's found an outlet that doesn't have to include me. Day to day she is easier to deal with in that respect as I don't often have to see her either, and I rarely if ever spend time with her alone. Low contact is working, for now, it is really just the worry of how she will react if my son doesn't make it and how to nip that in the bud. Thankfully, she hasn't shared any details about it on Facebook so far.

I know that in theory, I don't 'have' to let them meet my son, but knowing what they are like, it would probably be far more damaging to me to not allow it. It's something they would hold above my head for likely the rest of my life. I feel that maybe if I'm to finally go NC, I'd like them to have nothing to try and claw me back with and try to use to their advantage. I can 100% see them trying to get others on their side, how awful I was to deprive them of that chance and so on. It would only be more fuel for their attention seeking. I guess it's trying to find the lesser of all evils to find a way forward? Whatever that is!

I think overall I am more concerned about my dad than my sister as she only presents one real potential problem in the future, and he is a current and consistent problem and will likely escalate.

Look, narcissistic people rarely acknowledge they have an issue. They will always feel entitled to do whatever they want.

Let me be super clear having left a narc (a year after our dd was born) they are hollow shells of beings with no sense of consequence whatsoever

You should go no contact. It's the only way.

I am no contact and most therapists will tell you to do the same, run and don't look back.

Sosks,

Low contact often leads to no contact as well. I would argue that your current level of low contact needs to be further lowered.

re your comment:-

"I know that in theory, I don't 'have' to let them meet my son, but knowing what they are like, it would probably be far more damaging to me to not allow it.

Why do you think that (your father in particular has trained you well hasn't he). Is this really your own FOG talking?. What can they realistically do other than shout and scream and send the flying monkeys in to do their bidding?. Answer: nothing. If you block their ways of contacting you they will be shouting at nothing; you simply do not engage at all in any way. You should really not engage with either of them ever again and you are already doing that with your dad.

Your other half needs to be fully behind you on this and not respond to your dad either. Having boundaries is something that your father is actively going to rail against.

Do not subject your son to either of them; you will really kick yourself for doing so because they will simply use him as their narcissistic supply as well as criticise you as his mother.

NC is the only way forward with narcissists. It is NOT possible to have any sort of relationship with such disordered of thinking people.

Well and truly going to go NC with my dad now

Tried to guilt OH yesterday for not being in touch (told him we wouldn't be) and when OH said that's because we're looking after ourselves because of the hard time we're having he says 'why is it when you speak to me it's only a guilt trip' - really!!!!!!!

We ignored that message and I tried to vent to my younger sister, who starts taking our dads side! I don't think it's me who's so well trained she's said she doesn't want to be in the middle of it, whilst actively delivering his guilt trips on his behalf! There was absolutely no need. Honestly, right now, she can get to fuck as well.

I only had her and my mum there for me, but evidently, that's a lot of bullshit. I've relentlessly fought her corner through her issues with her ex and the fallout that ensued, but I might lose my first child and she couldn't give a flying monkey's fuck about me. She just doesn't want to stop getting free lifts and gifts from our dad. At least I know where I stand now.

OH is at the doctors just now and I'm really hoping he gets home soon because I'm going to go crazy. Managed to break my stupid glasses again and my mums at work so couldn't talk long. I've just had enough, over and above enough, I'm absolutely suffocating here and nobody seems to care that they're making the worst time of my life that much harder. I just can't cope with this anymore.

Give up on having a gentle NC. What they say to other people, what they say is wrong with you, what they say you did wrong, none of it matters at all once you've gone NC.

There's a lot of value in giving them a "reason" to be NC with you too.

You are still too wrapped up in proving yourself to be in the right and in seeking approval from others that you are the goodie not the baddie. That's going to drive you crazy with them. Step out of the game. Let them say whatever shit they want to whomever they want. You don't listen.

It is liberating. You will start thinking about what you want to do rather than what will minimise their shit. Honestly, after the adjustment period, you will feel so much happier.

Your sister is a flying monkey (look that up) as rabbit said, stop trying to win the argument. It doesn't work.

Just go NC and stick to it. In time you will feel ok, good then great.

Thanks everyone. Another long one! I've spoken to my mum a couple of times today (she seems to be the only sane one sometimes) and she's not too happy with my younger sister either as she's had a mouthful off of her as well.

I've realised that yes she is a 'flying monkey' but quite seriously, she's been targetted and manipulated by my dad because he knows she is vulnerable right now thanks to her ex. If he gives her lifts and gifts, he gets what he wants from her. It's quite sick actually and has just reinforced for me exactly how important it is to get far far far away from him.

My younger sister tried to send me a big ole guilt trip wall of text in our argument that I haven't bothered to read or respond to. Briefly saw something about how bad it is for her and looked no further. She's behaving exactly like our dad, it's quite terrifying how easily he has hooked her in.

If they're all going to be arseholes, let alone manipulative arseholes at that, I don't think they deserve to have any part of my son's life, however short it may be. I've got my mum and my OH who have both been amazing. Thanks again for all the advice, I'm also going to consult my counsellor when I see him on Monday. He thinks my dad and older sister are eh, 'really something' thinks I could write a comedy sketch!

It is very hard to get away from the damage my dad inflicts, so I'm going to try my absolute best to stick to the NC. I'm not going to beat myself up too much if it's not smooth sailing, though, as I've already come a long long way in fighting off his manipulative ways. Age 13, I got guilt tripped and manipulated into moving into his house away from my mum and siblings. So to be able to even attempt NC is a huge cry from those days.

Good for you. Narcs add nothing to your life, they only take. Stay NC x

It is hard but worth it. You son deserves to be surrounded by those that love and adore him. Not those that will use him.

X