Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Is there a name for this?

20 replies

redandblueandgreenandpurple · 09/08/2017 13:01

I'm in the process of getting over a relationship and reflecting on what went wrong. When we first broke up I was devastated because I went from being the best thing since sliced bread to being unable to do anything right in a short space of time. Now I've had some space and time to reflect, I've realised that he has history of doing the same thing (we were friends before we got together) and 2 other exes who he adored but who suddenly became 'wrong'. He's now got a new girlfriend who he seems to be in the same cycle with.

I've never encountered this kind of behaviour before and wonder if it fits with some kind of personality disorder. My main reason for asking is because my self-esteem took quite a battering towards the end of the relationship and it would help to know that it was actually nothing to do with me.

OP posts:

Trickycat · 09/08/2017 13:04

Commitment issues? Possibly something to do with the devalue-discard cycle? That's good you recognise it is his issue.

YellowAardvark · 09/08/2017 13:05

Could he be someone who just has a certain unrequited love that is totally out of step with reality?

londonista · 09/08/2017 13:20

A friend of mine recently had his happen, guy telling her she was so funny/perfect, they got very close over the space of a month and had a pretty intense relationship.

Then he did something wrong (recommended a friend who did some work for her and the guy let her down spectacularly). He was apologetic and she was forgiving, but he went cold and ghosted her. I suspect he probably met someone else, but ultimately I think he felt he wasn't good enough for her and sabotaged it.

I've spent hours discussing this with her, she was gutted about it all, mainly because she couldn't figure out why she went from perfect to nothing in the space of a week. The only thing i can think of is this is his pattern - he had a string of exes, so I'm guessing when people get close and get to know him he starts to pull away to head off what he sees as the inevitable. She has asked for an explanation but he hasn't replied - it hasnt happened to her before so she understandably is after answers.

Maybe this is what happened in your case OP - in which case don't waste too much time recriminating, as it's more about him than you. Sorry it happened tho. A lot of damaged people out there.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/08/2017 13:22

The name for this is "You Dodged a Bullet." Consider yourself lucky to be rid of him. He sounds like an immature mental case.

user1488575338 · 09/08/2017 13:23

I was going to say devalue-discard. Being on the receiving end is awful.

Notmyrealname85 · 09/08/2017 13:33

He loves being adored, that's why

He treats you really well, like no one has before, and you fall in love with him...and that high octane affection can go swimmingly in the first months, but real life will gradually interfere and that shatters the illusion he wants of perfect love and focus on him. He isn't really in love with you, just likes the high and the attention.

Instead of doing the right thing and saying it's not quite right and breaking things off, he makes you feel worse and worse about yourself in a short space of time - you're not right for him, you feel you're doing things wrong but don't know how or if it's even you ruining things or something else - I bet his communication wasn't great. Meanwhile you're wondering why your wonderful guy is going through a rough patch which you think is temporary, and suddenly you're dumped. You then spend months wondering what happened and what was wrong with you, how could you drive this wonderful man away? What a terrible/ugly person you must be - and this feels even more so as he's moved on so easily, and is so so in love with the new girl! Meanwhile you're in your pjs and still crying.

Well that's what happened to me! Don't delude yourself - you're a fab person, you deserve love and real caring support in life from someone genuine. That guy isn't authentic - you probably never met the real him, it's all an act whether he realises it or not

Notmyrealname85 · 09/08/2017 13:36

And ps why you're on the receiving end of feeling like you're falling short of his expectations somehow, you don't get space to think... hang on, maybe he's not right for me! What do I really want? What do I actually like about him, what has he done for me recently? Because he's already making you doubt yourself so much, you forget to think about what you want

15MinutesWithYou · 09/08/2017 13:37

I had one of these. Genuine lunatic. As PP said you dodged a bullet there. I was with mine for almost five years and 4.5 of those I wasn't good enough.

Notmyrealname85 · 09/08/2017 13:37

(Should read "while you're on the receiving end"!)

Original poster

redandblueandgreenandpurple · 09/08/2017 13:47

notmyrealname You've pretty much exactly described my experience.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 09/08/2017 14:18

The guy is a narcissist, full stop. All he cares about is acquiring the newest toy. Once he gets bored, and he ALWAYS gets bored, he moves on to his next victim. He then lovebombs his new toy for a bit until he yet again gets bored and then discards her. Same cycle over and over again. He's just a piece of shit. Don't waste your tears on the likes of him. Just be glad you're rid of him.

hellsbellsmelons · 09/08/2017 14:34

Google Narcissist - you'll find him there.
I'm sure my recent ExP is a bit of one.
Looking it up though not all the traits fit but quite a few do.
He was obsessive and madly in love for the 1st year or 2 and then he needed to find a new 'project' so the last year was shite!
He's got his new project.
She'll last about 2 years before he gets bored again and wants another new one.
I'm well rid - so are you!

londonista · 09/08/2017 14:47

Ooh yes - there's a book apparently about this (narcissism in partners) that my friend was raving about. Will try and find out title OP. It really helped her.

Notmyrealname85 · 09/08/2017 14:50

This is why we need mumsnet!! My
guy was like this and a cheater - I spent pretty much three years in self doubt over the most loser wretched man, he totally wasn't worth it at all, but all his posturing was to deflect from his deficiencies.

Thing is it's so easy to see these things from the outside. When you're in it it's so disorientating and you've already lost your self worth anyway so no confidence in trying to get yourself back to where you were before him. Makes it seem like he was the source of your past confidence and contentment, that you can't get that back now you don't have him - in fact he's the cause of your problems. And you will be fine! You were a great person before him, you just need to cleanse the bad thoughts out over time. Imagine if this happened to a friend of yours, and how you'd feel for them - how clearly you'd realise you're the decent person here and he's a creep. Be kind to yourself - actively nice to yourself, buy in some treats and have quality alone time.

Ps friends might realise this but not want to slag off your choice of men! Sadly you can't easily spot them at first, in case you're scared of getting back into dating - BUT you now know from experience what they're like and will know one a few weeks/months in. It's going to save you a LOT of time in future :) you're actually stronger and wiser for this! It's like a new dating power :)

londonista · 09/08/2017 14:55

Here you go / The Narcissist Test

www.amazon.co.uk/d/Books/Narcissist-Test-Dr-Craig-Malkin/000758380X

Isetan · 10/08/2017 14:30

You don't need a diagnosis. Focusing on his issues is a distraction from why, despite knowing his MO, you still went there.

Your self esteem isn't about someone else's issues, it's about your issues.

ravenmum · 10/08/2017 15:06

Not sure you have to be a narcissist to devalue people before you discard them. You just need to be looking for a way out that doesn't involve the Baddie dumping the Goodie. A result of very black-and-white thinking.

JetBoyJetGirl · 10/08/2017 16:42

No one on here can diagnose a personality disorder on the basis of a sentence about someone. This whole narcissist/narc thing is becoming utterly ridiculous: lots of uneducated people determining things about strangers they can't possibly know and lots of other uneducated people believing it and then perpetuating that nonsense.

There are many, many reasons why people feel/behave in this way. The very fact that he has done it before and is, or appears to be, doing it again is enough to show you that it is him and not you. As is the fact you hadn't changed your behaviour but one minute you were great and the next you weren't.

If you knew what he was like, why on earth did you go out with him? Why were you surprised when it happened to you?

jeaux90 · 10/08/2017 18:33

Narcissists (in the full form) are quite rare.

Some people just display some traits

I'd say the word for this guy is asshole.

springydaffs · 10/08/2017 22:10

This happened to me with a guy friend. He is a good 30 years younger than me so there was no romantic anything going on. I can't imagine how painful it is if it's a romantic relationship.

He just thought I was the coolest, hottest, most creative, brightest ; he marveled at me. I thought he was a friend for life. His wife mentioned in passing how he goes goggle eyed for people then drops them overnight... I realise now she was warning me - bcs when it happened it was such a shock! I'm still sore about it now. He's really making it as a musician and I cant bring myself to like his updates - not being petty, would just like to disappear..

He has ADHD if that's relevant.

Flip