My FIL is making me lose my mind

[loobylou124]

He doesn't like me at the best of times, and hates the fact that my DH (his only child) got married and moved away, thereby losing him a free skivvy. He refused to let DH into the house for months after we got engaged and even refused to come to our wedding. He changed his mind at the last minute, but still - normal people just don't behave like that, and it upset us both so much. I'm glad for DH's sake that he came in the end, but I'll never be able to forgive him for what he put us through. I'm always the soul of politeness when I see him, mind, but it's a struggle!

DH's mum on the other hand is a sweetie, but she has some mental health issues that mean she's in and out of care every couple of years. Every time she goes in, FIL just completely shuts down. He refuses to do any housework, or food shopping, or cooking, or household admin, and justs drifts about complaining how hard done by he is - even though he KNOWS she'll be back because she always is. Honestly, this has been happening for 30 years! He's retired so has no job to hold down, and MIL does all the household chores when she's at home so he's never had to look after himself. He claims he doesn't eat (because he refuses to cook - I mean, how hard is it to put a ready meal in the oven??) or sleep. It sounds like depression to me, coupled with his usual pig-headedness about wanting the world to revolve around him. DH keeps telling him to visit the GP, but he won't go. And until he does, any day-to-day help via social services is out. He says he has no money to pay anyone independent to help clean/cook/gardening etc.

It's obvious that what he really wants is DH to move back in with him and do everything for him until MIL is home again. FIL has even got his neighbours to ring DH up and 'put in a word for him'!! Who does that!?? Since that is obviously not an option, DH just doesn't know what to do. FIL is physically fit and well, so there's no reason for him to be in this state. If he was genuinely ill and needed help in an emergency I would be much more sympathetic, but it's his own stubbornness that's his problem, and I don't see why DH and I should pander to that. My own dad is gearing up for an operation for much more serious health issues than FIL and he's being amazing about it. Totally different personality all together.

The whole situation is tearing us apart. DH is an only child and so has nobody but me to talk to about these things, so I want to be supportive. But every time we talk about FIL it just ends in both of us being stressed and me usually shaking with frustration towards FIL, and DH feeling guilty for bringing it up in the first place. We can't carry on like this! We're newly married and ttc our first baby, which has to come first. I'm worried about DH, and the effect on our relationship, and about ending up a single mum if he caves in to FIL's demands and ends up spending every spare minute round at his dad's.

ARGH! Please help me feel less like a crazy person!
xx

He can self refer to SS or you can refer he doesn't need GP
Same with attendance allowance
He won't get any help unless he needs it though. Choosing not to do something is not the same as being unable.
Does your DH work? Presumably moving in to help, not that I would advocate it anyway, is impossible.
Frustrating as it is all you can do is stand firm
Some areas, like ours, have teams from health or social care to improve independence
Usually free for a fixed time, typically up to 6 weeks. But they would expect him to engage
I've come across a fair few men unwilling to do domestic tasks in my work
They live in squalor then SS get involved and sort it out and it all starts again

If your DH caves into his dad's demands and becomes his skivvy then your marriage is well and truly over. Is that what your DH wants; his own inertia when it comes to his toxic father is hurting him as well as you. Your DH has found it almost impossible to deal with his dad at all because of his own FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). He really needs to see a therapist about this dysfunctional relationship and realise too that it is not his fault his dad is the ways he is. He did not make him that way.

I would put ttc on hold until your DH has put down some more boundaries re his dad and dealt with his own fear, obligation and guilt re him.

You have both rolled over and taken this from him to date and you have been emotionally hurt as a result. Say no more as of now and raise your own boundaries a lot higher. His behaviours towards you both re your wedding were appalling.

Where does MIL go to during the times she is not at home; I would think that these people too are completely unware of what her life is like at home.

I would contact the local Social Services department of the council and let them deal with him. Neither of you should have anything further to do with him going forward; he will continue to make your lives an abject misery.

Honestly op. I have zero sympathy for him. He's got himself into this situation and needs telling so. He's a sexist pig who expects his wife to do everything for him and to his own detriment.
I would get your husband to tell him exactly how he's behaving. Sometimes people need to just look in the mirror, be told how they're acting and see for themselves they're an idiot.
Ffs he's an adult he needs to learn at some point.

Tell DH that until he has taken control of this situation, you will NOT be TTC, as the strain will be too much to deal with, especially when a baby does arrive. He needs to explain once and for all that he has his own home & family to take care of now, and will NOT be going round to deal with all FILs problems when he could do far more to help himself. Don't say that he would help "in an emergency" or ALL the problems will be classed as "emergencies".

I would (and have) turned the ringer off on the landline, so you are not hearing it ring at all hours/repeatedly, and also turn off the answerphone so no-one can leave emotional messages for you to hear.

Next time MIL goes in, contact Social Services department and express your concern that FIL is failing to cope at home & that MIL will be walking back into a hell-hole. Ask for her home & carer to be assessed before she is discharged.
Make it quite clear to everyone involved that you & DH are unable to offer any further assistance. Do not offer any other explaination.

I couldn't garner from your OP how far away you live and how much time your dh is giving his dad now. I understand you are worried it will get worse which is fair enough but what is happening now.?

Your husband needs therapy. Now. He's been manipulated and mentally tortured by an emotional terrorist for YEARS and he needs to learn how to deal with this. You are very right in believing this will damage your marriage, because it will. Your husband's father will never ever change, which you already know, but the way your husband deals with him and the emotional fallout MUST change.

Omg thank you guys, I feel much less like an unhinged cow now! I think I just needed some outside perspective on the situation.

We live over an hour away, which is fine for a weekend trip but we can't just pop in after work and check on him. And why the eff should we?! Thanks for all your understanding and support. It's so good to know other people can see he's a nutcase, not just me!

I think we def need to get some strict boundaries in place. And if he's not happy with it, he can jolly well sort out his own social services stuff! I don't for a minute think they'll consider him a justified case for home help, in which case he's not got a leg to stand on with DH.

Thank you, lovely people! X

Could you, your DH and FIL all agree to scheduled visits maybe twice a week, subject to FIL accepting that some of the time will be devoted to you /DH teaching FIL some basic home skills, so he can not only look after himeslef better when required, but also give you MIL a hand when she's back home?

If he won't agree, then you/DH won't visit.