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Relationships

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Original poster

Aibu about dh changing plans to suit dss

21 replies

frodo1 · 09/08/2017 00:34

My dss will only see dh alone at mil house. Normally on a wed or Thurs. We have arranged to take mil out for a meal Friday and after getting garden done this week we have been saying all week about just me dh and our dd having a BBQ sat getting slip and slide out playing games we have all been saying all week we can't wait til sat. Dss rings dh tonight saying I can't do wed, Thurs or Friday can we go Nan's sat? He says fine mate see u then. Aibu? He would never cancel plans with dss to do something with us. As I've said to him tonight if dss has plans with his mum and sisters he would never cancel them to see dh even if it was the only night he could see him in week. Our dd was looking forward to sat and is gutted he doesn't care his answer is I have to take the opportunity to see dss when I can. My view is dss only sees him when he has nothing better to do or needs cash. He's 19 and dh ends up giving him lots of cash everythime he sees him always needing new trainers etc tbh dss has learned from his mum to use dh for cash. I'm just pissed he wud cancel on us but wud never do same to dss

OP posts:

Getoutofthatgarden · 09/08/2017 00:39

I understand that you're disappointed that your plans have now changed but I do see it from your DHs point of view as well. Can you have your bbq on Sunday instead?

OP if I were you, I'd get this thread moved to Relationships, you will be roasted on AIBU.

LanaDReye · 09/08/2017 00:39

Your DD presumably does get to see him more often than DSS?

GlitteryFluff · 09/08/2017 00:41

Why does he only want to see your DH alone at mil's house?

Namesarehard · 09/08/2017 00:43

He sees his son once a week. He sees your daughter every day. Yabu. He's his father.

AtSea1979 · 09/08/2017 00:45

Why can't you do the BBQ tomorrow night?

CoughLaughFart · 09/08/2017 00:47

I think the fact that your stepson is 19 has a bearing. I'd make allowances for a small child, but he's legally an adult. Shouldn't his dad feel able to explain that he has other plans?

LineysRun · 09/08/2017 00:47

He's 19?

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 09/08/2017 00:48

19?!

Original poster

frodo1 · 09/08/2017 00:58

Getoutofthis garden DD is at her friends Sunday so no drinks due to pick up and no family time.
Atsea1979 new decking getting first coat from dh we'd 2nd coat Thurs so can't use yet and garena tip til we can put furniture on decking.
Everyone else it's not how often he sees dss he cud see him every night I wouldn't care it's just him cancelling our plans when he wouldn't do the same to dss and dad would never cancel plans for him don't want me and dad to be 2nd best

OP posts:

Pallisers · 09/08/2017 01:19

He is 19? He is at an age where he can certainly say that to his dad and his dad can reply "can't do saturday, how about sunday at nans?"

this isn't about access. It is about seeing an adult child. I don't see why the OP and her plans should be ditched without warning just so an adult child can hang out with his father.

Original poster

frodo1 · 09/08/2017 01:23

Coughlaughfart this is part of the issue he can cancel on me and our DD for dss and has done many times but he's unable to tell dss he can't see him because he has other plans. One time he cancelled on him for dds birthday he told him he had to work late! It's like he can't tell dss he's cancelling for us in case dss feels he's putting us before him x

OP posts:

Original poster

frodo1 · 09/08/2017 01:26

Thankyou pallisers exactly why I posted x

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 09/08/2017 01:27

Why only alone at Nans? Does DH take DD

TheVanguardSix · 09/08/2017 01:37

Why doesn't he join you guys for the BBQ?

Alpacaandgo · 09/08/2017 01:44

I don't understand. Why can't he come to yours and join you for the BBQ?

Original poster

frodo1 · 09/08/2017 01:45

No sleeping upstanding up dss was treated to days out that he'd never had from his mum by me shopping trips, one of his sister's not my dh's once said when I dropped him off to his mum I wish u were my stepmum I never go anywhere! Dss mum was fuming when she said this as from then on she was desperate to sabotage mine and dad relationship as she didn't want him to have more fun with me and dd than he did with her. Pure jealousy I can't be bothered doing owt with my kids so your not going to show me up by taking dss out and showing his 2 sisters here what there missing out on. Poisoned from that day but only about me and telling him his dad loved DD more so dss wants to see only him and everyone it's CSA money plus dad I need this and that he's learned from his mum dads only there for cash! When I met dh one of the first times I met her she said to me my 2 girls dad is in the army so I don't have to let them see him I get it straight from his wages an if he goes to court for access I won't turn up. But with my dh she said im fucked he's self employed so il let him see dss or il get no money!

OP posts:

Getoutofthatgarden · 09/08/2017 02:01

My god, she sounds like an utter horror of a woman. Actually, I've changed my mind since my first post, your DH should have told DSS that he had plans and he'd see him another day. At 19 he should be able to understand that? Is your DH scared to upset DSS?

SleepingStandingUp · 09/08/2017 02:05

CSA money? He's 19.

Sorry son, I promised your little sister a BBQ. Why don't you come over?

Is the appropriate response

MNHQ

LornaMumsnet · 09/08/2017 08:38

Hi folks,

We're going to move this thread over to relationships for the OP.

Skittlesss · 09/08/2017 08:42

Has your DH said to cancel Saturday? Is it not possible to do both?

MeltorPeltor · 09/08/2017 08:43

Can you husband see his son on Saturday morning and have the BBQ in the afternoon?

Yes it is unreasonable but what can you do, if you put your foot down his ex will use this as more ammo against you.

Also the weather looks a bit crap for Saturday so I'm not sure it would be that fun to be getting hoses etc out in 16c!

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