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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Did you fall in love with your partner?

65 replies

ThinkIlikeit · 08/08/2017 21:38

I am thinking of the relationships I have had over the years and I can only remember actually falling in love with one of them. I grew fond of the others, maybe even felt love, but not that overwhelming powerful in love feeling, not even with the man I married.

I think you can probably have a good relationship without it but wondering how many of you are with someone you fell in love with and how important you think it is.

OP posts:
fortunacookie · 08/08/2017 21:40

Don't think I've ever been in love but I've grown to love people n also been in lust or infatuated with people.

Would love to fall in love but at 45 chances are slim now Hmm

TheNaze73 · 08/08/2017 21:48

What is love as Haddawsy once asked is a massive question.

Think I've been in lust with a few people but, I've only had 3 relationships of 4 years+, so it's hard to really tell. Was married for 15 years & loved them at the time. Or did I?

Been with current partner for 4 years, think about them a lot & would do nearly anything for them. Is that love?

Who knows.

Good post OP

ThinkIlikeit · 08/08/2017 21:51

I think it's a case of if you have been in love, you know it, no question. I can only say that as I did fall in love once upon a time (never since.)

So naze, feeling you would do nearly anything for them is not being in love!

OP posts:
MissBax · 08/08/2017 21:51

Im madly in love with DH, I couldn't imagine life without him! Felt like that with my "first love" too, but it was different to DH as I was young. I couldn't imagine being in a relationship without deep love, but I know alot of people are like that - my mum certainly wasn't madly in love with my dad, but to me that just bizarre. Each to their own though :)

BossyBitch · 08/08/2017 21:55

I fell utterly and completely in love with my first really 'serious' boyfriend aged 20, but never again after that. It's probably the predominant reason why I'm divorced. Having experienced that, I find it incredibly hard to settle for less.

I'm not sure that's a good thing.

thestamp · 08/08/2017 22:00

I felt very strong love with my ex.

It was because I was very bonded to him.

Because he thought I was defective and unfaithful, and was pretty emotionally abusive to me.

Love is not always positive. It's also called Stockholm syndrome. You know, when you form a bond with your torturer. In an unconscious effort to protect yourself from trauma.

I am very much in love with my current dp but I am not nearly as obsessed/deeply enmeshed in the relationship. I could live without him. I can live with his disapproval. I.e., the feeling is less intense/overwhelming than it was with my ex.

Which I think is a good thing. I don't want to be unable to live without someone. I want to love them and feel understood, safe and contented with them - which I feel with my dp - not my ex, which was half the reason he was so difficult to leave. I found myself trapped in this dynamic where I couldn't turn away until I finally convinced him I was good enough to love...

user1488575338 · 08/08/2017 22:29

Think - why did you get married if you weren't in love?

JetBoyJetGirl · 08/08/2017 22:34

stamp stockholm syndrome isn't love Confused

ThinkIlikeit · 08/08/2017 22:40

I felt a degree of love towards my ex when we married but I was never in love with him and I suspect lots of couples aren't. Lucky if they are.

OP posts:
zzzzz · 08/08/2017 22:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LanaDReye · 08/08/2017 22:44

I think being in love is caring that the other person is well and happy, but also having a drive to conciously want to connect to a level where you expect and provide deep emotional support and friendship.

I have been in love three times. First one ended things after a year, that hurt for a year. Second I ended after a year, it could never work, still hurt. Third after 18 years, but I had fallen out of love after 9 years; together for DCs.

I miss being in love. Hope it happens again for me.

Orlandointhewilderness · 08/08/2017 22:52

Yes I have been in love. I was married 12 years ago and loved him fiercely. It ended very quickly and I was destroyed by it.
Now I am in a completely unforeseen relationship with a truly wonderful man who is my best friend, partner and lover. He makes my entire being sing and I feel something for him that I never have before. It is love born out of mutual respect and friendship and it is the most honest love for a man I have ever felt.

user1488575338 · 08/08/2017 22:54

Being in love is the best feeling. Was in love with my ex for 10 years, last time was last year, it was only short lived but I totally fell for him. Still love him now to be honest. Life is better with him in it.

I really couldn't imagine marrying someone if that deeply in love feeling wasn't there. What's the point.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 08/08/2017 22:56

Yes, I'm deeply in love with my DH. My life would not be complete without him.

ThinkIlikeit · 08/08/2017 23:00

I know what you mean about not marrying unless you are in love but when I did fall in love, the relationship also didn't last.

OP posts:
thestamp · 08/08/2017 23:00

If you define "love" as bonding / attachment between adults, then yes, Stockholm syndrome is a type of love. This article explains that a bit: articles.latimes.com/2005/apr/08/opinion/oe-ochberg8

It's just that Stockholm syndrome is bonding that occurs during close-quarters, face-to-face violence, which is an extremely intimate thing, much like sex. It is very uncomfortable to think of it in this way, but I believe it to be true.

The good kind of love, the type that we accept as a culture as a "good thing", is usually the type that we assume has formed through non-violent closeness.

However the sad truth is that many, many relationships are formed around an attachment that occurs through violent AND non-violent intimacy. It's murky and isn't always clear - as you'll often see said here, an abuser is rarely abusive all the time. Being "in love" is not always a good thing and can sometimes be extremely dangerous, especially for women.

I explicate this because it's my belief that women are typically taught that if you feel "love" for another human being, especially a man, that means you have to be in a relationship with them. But that isn't true, because love can be formed out of terrible things. It's not a good thing in and of itself.

(I exclude the love one has for one's children. I am, as I said at first, talking about love as attachment/bonding between adults)

BrainSaysNo · 08/08/2017 23:00

Yes absolutely, head over heels, and my first love also.
But my love is conditional, I am with him as I want to be, not because I need to be for any reason.
Also if things were not good (not small things but serious)- love or not, I would not be with him.
But maybe that's what makes me love him even more, as I think hes freaking fantastic -most of the time- Grin.
I cant really imagine being with someone that ticks the other boxes but I didn't love.
I'm only still up now as he is at work, and I think its important he gets to offload and I get a kiss before bed!

80sMum · 08/08/2017 23:04

I don't think I have ever been truly "in love" with anyone: I have been married for 40 years though. Orlando your relationship sounds wonderful, the sort of thing one reads about in books.

DonaldStott · 08/08/2017 23:20

Funny you should ask this, because I have been asking myself the same question. Milestone bday, so been reflecting a bit.

I can't imagine ever being without my husband and I love him and trust him with mine and dd's life.

He is a good man. Makes me laugh every day.

Sometimes when he acts grumpy or miserable, I do think oh fuckin hell do I really have to put up with this forever.

The good outweighs the bad, in spades, but am I head over heels in love with him? Have I ever felt like that? I don't think so.

I feel evil saying it, cos if he read this, he would be hurt.

DonaldStott · 08/08/2017 23:22

But saying that, I do know my sister and her second husband are absolutely head over heels. You can just see it.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 08/08/2017 23:30

Absolutely and, although I was full of bridal optimism for the future on our wedding day, I would not have believed it was possible that I would love him so much more after 17 years of marriage. I do though. I love him so much that I get frightened by the thought of something happening to him. I have 2 DDs & a DSD so I know that I would find a way to go on without him but I can't imagine how. He is truly the best person I have ever known.

ItWentDownMyHeartHole · 08/08/2017 23:32

I think in a relationship, without any sort of abuse, then love just makes it easier surely?
You trudge on through the shitty bits. When you or they stop feeling furious or disappointed or low then it's easier to slip back, when you're not paying attention, to being good and loving to each other. Also, I like my DH. He's a nice person. He had a great big lump of adoration and goodwill from me at the beginning and he's not done much to deplete it. Not meeting an arse in the first place is probably helpful. But then you can't always tell. To love someone who starts off great...heartbreaking.
We've been together for 25 years. The first 4 were on and off a bit but that first night he walked in I lost my mind. It's not like that now but he's still very funny. Which helps.

DonaldStott · 08/08/2017 23:45

Summed it up beautifully ItWentDown

pinkhousesarebest · 08/08/2017 23:59

Yes. I remember seeing him across a crowded cafe for the first time, and everything seemed to go into slo-mo. I still get moments like that and that was 30 years ago.

Maddogs · 09/08/2017 01:35

I've been in love, the head over heels Hollywood type of love. It didn't work out for other reasons. But I still have a part of my heart that loves him.

The great thing about humans is our capacity to live doesn't have limits. So there was space for me to love again (when I was ready). And I do love my DF we have weathered some heavy storms and I sometimes have to tell him he is being a knob!

But we have friendship, humour, affection and passion. It isn't the overwhelming love I had before. But I prefer it. I'm more myself and I'm happy.

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