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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Please help me work out what to do next / leave?

12 replies

boffin9207 · 08/08/2017 19:48

I've posted about my relationship before. Things had been better but not overly fantastic. There were signs of progress but while out drinking recently 'D'P called me and told me he didn't thought we were very good together. Naturally I was upset. And take the view that if it comes out while pissed there's probably some truth in it! I had tried to raise it a couple of times and he had been dismissive / brushed it off.

Our main issue in the past has been thoughtlessness. Wrongly, I have somewhat neglected my friends over the course of my relationship. I'm now at a stage where I am going out more and doing more with my friends. He earns more so can afford to go away with friends more and do more socially with them as he has more disposable income.

He travels with work, is usually away 3-4 nights a week and we live together but the recurring issue is that I don't feel like a priority because of how much time he spends with his friends. E.g. So far this year he has been on 2 trips, has another two planned including a long haul trip. We have had a couple of weekends away and are meant to be going away for week soon but hadn't booked. We aren't married, no kids and are mid- late 20s.

This morning, after unsuccessful attempts at talking I tried to end our relationship (in person). I felt that I have been taken for granted a lot lately, his comments and then refusal to talk about it (I get some people don't like talking) but literally got a scoff. We have texted most of today putting our respective points of view across and I felt that perhaps some progress was being made. But since coming home I feel really upset. I suppose I wanted to consolidate what we had said earlier, try and work out if we stay together what steps do we take etc. I just feel like it's gotten nowhere. He feels his free time should be with his friends and if I want any time with him it needs to be scheduled! I don't feel that this is right when in a relationship where you co-habit. I've explained this.

I don't want to badger people in my day to day life on this given how up and down I have felt just today (!) and would really appreciate an objective perspective and some guidance on how to explain how I am feeling and work out what I want. It feels like whatever I say he has an answer.

OP posts:
squirtymcsquirterson · 08/08/2017 19:53

To be completely honest if I were in your shoes, I would leave while there can still be a clean break. And then I would find someone who respects me and wants me around. Sounds to me like you'd be well rid! Flowers

DadOctave · 08/08/2017 20:02

During the last 10 years, my 'one and only' had always been top priority above my friends , and more or less vice versa (she always had a much more active social life than me, but would always let me know when stuff was going on)

I'm a bit more grumpy about it now she's off to see her 'OM' but now I know that's happening I've put my foot down, I'm off to see mates for the first time in ages on Friday.

boffin9207 · 08/08/2017 21:38

Thanks for your responses. How do I go about doing it? I just don't seem to be able to find the words. And I'm scared of being the bad guy I suppose. Probably a consequence of a lifetime of being brought up to be a "nice" girl!

DadOctave - do you mean Other Man?

OP posts:
DadOctave · 08/08/2017 22:03

Yes, did I use the wrong Abbreviation? I'm going to look them all up now. >_

boffin9207 · 09/08/2017 06:57

DadOctave - I think that's right, I am just not au fait with all the abbreviations and wanted to make sure I understood!

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacle · 09/08/2017 07:04

I wouldn't remain in a relationship where I had to be scheduled into their free time. Fuck that for a laugh.

What is the house and job situation?

thegirlupnorth · 09/08/2017 07:15

I think he's already check out. Leave, keep your dignity, if you're having issues now they won't go away. X

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/08/2017 07:49

And you are with this man because.....

Do not settle for so little in your mid 20s; do not waste your life further on this selfish man. Being a "nice girl" does not mean you have to be a doormat.

boffin9207 · 09/08/2017 08:45

We rent, both on the lease but it can be sorted without huge issue.

I explained everything to him across yesterday and today and have had lots of grovelling - apologies and promises and solutions as to how to make things better on his part, what he can do etc. I don't know what to do. I feel all over the place.

OP posts:
boffin9207 · 09/08/2017 08:47

And have now had*

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/08/2017 09:15

They always apologise and make promises but actions ultimately speak louder than words. His promises will likely come to nothing.

AlternativeTentacle · 09/08/2017 09:16

'I explained everything to him across yesterday and today and have had lots of grovelling - apologies and promises and solutions as to how to make things better on his part, what he can do etc.'

If he needs telling then really, is it worth it? Are you not worth more?

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