Dad's behaviour Histrionic / Narcissistic disorder. - how to cope

[AnnieHoo]

My dad is a fit 71 yr old, still working and healthy. However he has big issues and my cousin thinks he borders on Histrionic / Narcissistic disorder.

He can be volatile, manipulative and is aggressive towards my mum who left him years ago. He slammed the door in her face last week and scared her. I think he's getting very unreasonable. I don't know what I'm asking here... I am scared that he is developing symptoms of Alzheimers as his father was diagnosed when he was only 50.

I want to punch him in the face for being vile and bad tempered to my mum but in reality i feel sorry for him and want to try to understand him.

I don't know what i'm asking here I'm so confused.

There might be someone out there with a narcissistic histrionic relative who can give advice so I am hoping for any kind of supportive words.

I'm really sorry about your dad, but I think you need to set yourself free from this burden of trying to "understand" him. For balanced, "normal" people, there is no understanding narcissistic behaviour. A narcissist is only concerned with themselves and how things affect them. How their behaviour affects other people is of no concern to them and that is impossible for normal people to comprehend. Your dad will never change, so all I can recommend is distance and to stop hoping for a different result when you interact with him.

What aquamarine wrote.

Honestly I would not bother with trying to understand why your dad is the ways he is; you did not make him that way. His own family of origin did that lot of damage to him and if you were to look further back in his own family you would probably find more familial dysfunction of similar types. This toxic dysfunction really does go down the generations.

You want to feel sorry for him and understand him mainly because you are a kind and compassionate person but he will take that as weakness to use against you. Do not do that to yourself by getting involved with him further, he really will throw it all back at you and in spades. He does not want your help, understanding or support.

Do you think he feels sorry for you; not a bit of it. He probably sees you like he sees all women, someone else to despise like your mother whom he has continued to treat abysmally.

Why do you think he could be developing Alzheimers?. He is still fit and healthy holds down a job. His behaviours now are more likely than not to be linked to his underlying personality disorders rather than Alzheimers. After all, he has likely always behaved as he does now.

Your best course of action here is to have nothing to do with him at all. He was not a good parent to you when growing up and he has not changed since those days.

oh my goodness. You've got him in a nutshell. Part of me is wanting him to have a diagnosis like alzheimers which is a terrible thing to say as I know what a tragic condition that is, but as you know already i'm trying to understand or explain it away... he's just a disturbed individual and yes I think he had some terrible experienced in his childhood and try to understand that but his cousins are equally as vain and unreasonable (weirdos) so i think it's in the family. He's my dad though so it's so hard to cut him off, he is a terrible father though and has no bond at all with my brother or nephew. He is actually jealous of my 8 year old nephew. I could go on and on and on...

Thank you so much for making me stop and realise.

My dad isn't as bad as you describe but even I wanted to hear a diagnosis of some sort. Sadly I think he's just getting worse as he gets older.

If there's Alzheimer's in the family perhaps it's different, but then you'd be dealing with his narcissistic behaviour and an illness? You say your mum left but she still sees him? It will probably cause trouble to suggest he gets tested.

Best thing is not to be involved. I feel for you, I really do.

Another one here who initially suspected early onset dementia. Nope - just increasingly overt displays of narcissistic behaviour.
My theories are :

1. personality becomes more entrenched with age
2. when their own parents die that's the last limiting factor on their bad behaviour. Honestly you need to have less sympathy and more cold light of day coping strategies. Hugs though 💐💐

The best way you can deal with all of this is to have some sort of therapy or counselling to help you understand why you react to him in the ways you do.

You can't change him, the only things you can do are to limit your exposure to his toxic behaviours and react in ways which don't encourage them--so refuse to engage, withdraw contact, and so on.

OnTheRise "so refuse to engage"

I can only speak of my experience but avoidance is definitely the way. Refusal to engage, if actually in the same room with someone who wants you to rise to bait, just means they will escalate. It's a pointless waste of life to be in the room with the person when you just have to keep saying "mm". I went LC - not NC - with dad because he and mum are still together so we say hello politely when I visit.

but before I did that, he was inventing arguments to the point where he would start randomly screaming. I don't shout at people - okay, except occasionally people who block entrances at the Tube etc and even that's just "hello, MOVE" in a loud voice. I don't have shouty arguments with people. So when he tries to start a row and I keep calm, he gets worse.

the thing about the narcissists is they want to be the centre of attention so if it takes being utterly ridiculous, that's what they'll do.

you mention that he is jealous of the nephew - that's why. He will be jealous of kids. My dad is very jealous of the bond between me and mum - in fact he has told us that since I was a child. In early adulthood I tried to make him feel included but really, I haven't got a huge amount of sympathy for a parent who just rants instead of trying to work on the bond with their child themselves.

Frankly I'm surprised your brother lets him have contact with his child.

I hear you. Don't know what's going on with mine - maybe Alzheimer's? maybe just always been a bit like this and has finally dived the whole way in after depression? There is no getting through to him, he's mean to all of us and awful and spiteful to DM and then complains we never call him. Well I don't know Dad, is that maybe because last time we did you complained about how much money you'd spent on our Christmas presents as kids and how it's our fault you're poor now? (He's not.)

Mine also had an awful childhood to be fair. But, that's not free license to fuck up the next few generations.

Why is your DM still engaging with him when he is so vile to her?

Not always that easy Minky. Lengthy ongoing divorce proceedings in my parents' case.