Hi,
Feeling a bit lost so trying this forum for some feedback/opinions.
I have been with my boyfriend for 11 months. When I met him I was attracted to him but felt he was a charmer, womaniser type guy. He was quick with the lines like I was his favourite customer (he's a barista where I work) but he had this vibe that it was the kind of thing that rolled off his tongue easily.
Despite that, I started to date him. He was keen and messaged a lot. He told me on our 2nd/3rd date that he lives in a room share with his ex-girlfriend and that he wanted to be straight with me about it. He said they split up a year or two ago. He usually left our dates around 9/10pm-ish because she would get upset if he came home late because she worked early and he'd wake her up.
I thought it sounded a bit suspicious but because he volunteered the information I have him the benefit of the doubt and decided to see how it goes. Proceed with caution, let's say.
Over the months we got closer, and eventually he started to look for a place of his own, near to where I live. He took the step to live near me because he wanted the relationship to develop, and from this I decided that he was genuinely in a weird, comfortable room share with his ex and because he hadn't met anyone serious they just stayed because it was easier. I had seen pics of the room and the beds were separate, and photos she posted on Facebook never looked anything other than platonic. She had feelings for him because she became very difficult when he told her he was looking to leave, but I guess that will always be hard when you are still close with an ex.
Anyway as the months have gone by I have found him to be hard to read. In some cases, like te above, he has been honest and shown action to back up his words.
But in other ways I am not sure of him. I have a strong feeling in my gut that I should t trust him. In our first months together, I watched him stare at another woman repeatedly while we were out shopping. He was continually checking her out and looking out for her while we made our way around a store. He is naturally a charmer and seems flirtatious with his customers at work, but quietens down when I appear.
A woman I work with hangs around him a lot, and although I am quite sure he doesn't like her in that way, I asked when they made friend on fb if they message each other. He said no, he has no incoming messages from her,, but a while later I looked at his phone (I'll get to my own faults shortly) messages and they had been texting for months, prior to our relationship. When I asked him about that he said he had forgotten that they used to text a bit. Also I saw that him and the room share ex were still messaging ' I love you' at the end of their texts in the early part of 2016, when we got together in July 2016 , so I don't think they broke up a year or two ago. When I asked him he said he's not very good with dates, he can't remember.
He generally has this shady vibe when it comes to messages, his phone is locked and silent when he is with me but always lighting up, and he rarely checks them around me but goes out to smoke for 10-15 mins at a time. A couple of times random girls have appeared on the notification but when I ask it's usually someone he mentioned before, an old friend.
Okay. So, lets get to me. I have struggled with trust in all my relationships. I get a very strong and real feeling that someone is lying to me. I get panic attacks and get taken over by strong feelings of paranoia and suspicion. At the moment, in this relationship it is at its most strong and frequent. We have talked and argued and always conclude that we will work through it. He is supportive of me getting some help to control the moments where I get these trust issues. He says he wants us to stick together even if it gets hard and that is amazing. I am trying to understand it and so far can only pin point it to episodes of violence as a young girl from my dad towards my mum and brother. Regardless of where it came from, I want to control it. In all other areas of my life, friendship, work mates etc I tend to be agood judge of character and when I distant myself from people I feel are untrustworthy I find I did the right thing. My friends I trust wholeheartedly.
It's just with boyfriends and partners that I lose my senses, I am very conflicted and feel there are two opposing feelings battling in my mind. Don't give him your heart he will betray you vs you are intensely wired in the wrong way. Sometimes I think I have a negative thought pattern I can't break, and sometimes I think I should listen to the feeling in my gut telling me that I can't trust him. He does seem very switched on to other women, he likes to look and he definitely charms them at work, but in fairness he charms men too.
He sees me nearly every night, and when we don't see each other it's usually because I am busy. He turns up on time, texts me back straight away and calls when he says he will. He likes to have a goodnight call when we are not spending the night together.
I think it's helping just to write this message. I promise you I am well aware of my problems with trust and he has been patient and supportive in that way. But when I feel a lack of trust it feels so real, I don't know what to listen too in myself. He is a freelance photographer and is talking about wanting to do fashion photography and it filled me with dread that he will be with all these beautiful women all day as his career choice. That is what has driven me to write this, it felt like I need to fix my mind and see clearly - I would never askhim not to pursue a dream but this will also bring feelings of burning anxiety in me every time he gets work of that manner. So should I leave him so that my worries don't clip his wings and also so his daily work won't leave me in a state of anxiety all the time. Does anyone have some clear judgement of this situation? Has anything I've said about him sound off to you, perhaps justifying my lack of trust, or am I just a mess ( that can't afford therapy right now)
Any thoughts are welcome