Contact arrangements after separation

[newbroom]

As above really, planning to leave soon and trying to work out what would be best for kids in terms of contact. H will probably stay in the family home in the short term, I will go to my parents. DC are school age (5 and 8). I was thinking close to 50/50 split during school holidays then every other weekend during term time, would this be workable? I am main carer (work p-t), H works in demanding job but term time only, hence not including weekday overnight stays.

If anyone has been through this please can you tell me what you did and how your kids coped, this is all new to me and I want to try and protect kids from the fallout as much as is ever possible. Thanks x

Have you talked to your husband yet? Will he just accept term time midweek aren't possible?

Mediation is strongly recommended for sorting this out.

Good info here. The parenting plan bit may help give structure to discussions.

www.cafcass.gov.uk/grown-ups.aspx

Normal is every other weekend, one night mid week, splitting school holidays 50/50 and alternating Christmas and birthdays. This assumes the father isn't abusive. If he is, then 0 contact is better for children's emotional and psychological health, although courts refuse to recognise this.

Can I ask why you're leaving the family home. Generally, the parent responsible for day to day care remains in the house with the children. If you move out without the children, you may find the court awards the father day to day care as it is now their 'norm'.

Thanks, no I haven't talked to him yet. Yes he is controlling/emotionally abusive (to me only, seems generally ok with kids although they are affected of course). I am intending to take the kids with me when I leave, sorry I didn't make that clear.

I don't think he would agree to leave as I will be the one initiating the separation- I thought my only option would be to leave? Once I broach the subject of separation things will escalate so I thought it would be better to get me and kids away from him in the short term. If one night during the week is better for kids then I will do that, it's just that he works long hours during term time and is not normally able to do childcare during the week.
Can I just ask him to leave? What if he won't? I really want to avoid being in same house with him once we've separated.

If he is abusive and or you are worried to how he will react afterwards (maybe becoming physically violent), then I would strongly suggest you contact Women's aid for advice.
Do not move out or tell him until you have proper advice.

Thanks, I've tried WA a few times but haven't been able to get through. He has never been physically violent but verbally he can be quite aggressive and he is getting increasingly controlling and suspicious. I have solicitor's appt next week so will need to stay put until then, the appt is only 30 mins so I want to get some ideas about how contact is arranged before I talk to them.

My DP has a very demanding job with quite a bit of travel. When his children were younger the job was less demanding and we did every other weekend and one overnight a week.
His job changed and then we did every friday and every other weekend - personally I didn't think that was in the best interests of the children who like to have a lazy Saturday at their mums.
If he lives locally perhaps you could (while they are young) suggest Friday or Sunday tea on the weekend he doesn't see them, or every weekend Saturday tea time to Sunday tea time (DP did that actually when the children were young before I knew them).
The important thing is to always consider what's best for the children it's important for them to maintain a relationship with their dad and not to become embroiled in the split.
Sounds like a horrible situation I wish you the best outcome.

Thanks Heidi, I absolutely want to do the best for the kids, they're going to be devastated but I can't carry on with things as they are

My ex H did Saturday daytime with DC and maybe 4 overnights in about 15 months... now that he knows I have a boyfriend, he does not see his DC at all, in order not to give me an opportunity for the boyfriend to stay over...
A prick!

What you suggest sounds reasonable. My ex has the kids every other Friday & Saturday night and then for tea every Wednesday. He can't have them overnight midweek as he starts work at 7am.
He has also taken 2 weeks off this summer to have them and his Mum also helps out.
However, we've not discussed birthdays and Xmas yet which I am dreading!!! I hate the thought of having Xmas without them. I'm going to suggest I have them Xmas eve and Xmas day morning then he has them the rest of Xmas day and boxing day (then swap next year).

Thanks whatsmyname - I hadn't even thought about Christmas, will cross that bridge when I get to it! (wrangling about Christmas with in- laws normally starts about August so will brace myself!)