Just need a hand hold, feeling hopeless.

[ppandj]

I found out last week that my partner was involved with someone at work. He told me but only because there was a high chance I was going to find out/be suspicious. He is adamant that it was a physical, lusty ego trip for him and he was never going to leave us. It happened 6 times over a few months while, get this, I was heavily pregnant with our second son and while he was newborn. He is now 5 months old and we also have a 2 year old boy. We have a beautiful home, lovely families on both sides and my partner (with a hell of a lot of support from me) had just secured his dream job. His new job is now in jeopardy because of what happened at work.

For months and months he was behaving differently, even getting quite emotionally abusive towards me and manipulating me. I bent over backwards to support his job application and to allow him time to pursue other interests like hobbies and fitness. He has been horrible, just an absolute selfish bastard, and I just couldn't work out what had changed.

Since I found out, in a way I have been happier because he has finally gone back to how he used to be. But obviously I am devastated, furious and feel like total shit. I am a nice person and do not deserve this. He is devastated and it is like he has had a wake up call. I have shown him a lot of information about the emotional abuse and he is horrified, but sees that it is exactly what he has been doing. He says he compartmentalised so much and genuinely felt that it was doing me no harm because I didn't know, but didn't realise the guilt was manifesting itself in his behaviour. If he isn't genuinely remorseful and devastated then he deserves an Oscar. He can't believe he has risked so much and been so stupid. Both of our families know, and he is facing the music as he knows he has let them down too. He is ashamed and keeps saying "I'm not who I thought I was".

The future is completely uncertain. In a way, I do believe he will change but I don't know if I want to risk another chance. It feels shameful to consider it, I know people will say I have no self respect if I stay (this is not true, I do respect myself and know who I am but I can hear people saying it already!). If we split up, I will have to parent in a way I don't want to- being apart from my children for long periods of time, at Christmas etc. I was raised like that and, while it wasn't bad, it is not what I ever wanted to do.

Gosh sorry that is so long. I don't really want or need advice about what to do, I think in time I will know what's right for me. I am just desperately sad and feeling really low today. I just can't believe this is happening.

Separate Christmases aren't as bad as seeing your mum being emotionally abused or getting cheated on. It sounds like you're not going anyway anywhere at some point he's likely to do it again seeing as he was so happy to cheat I'm such risky circumstances he clearly doesn't care that much! A man cheating on you has nothing to do with whether you're a nice person or not I'm afraid, if someone is allowed to take the piss then they will.

You say you have self respect but I beg to differ.

Dowhatyouwish not so much of a handhold, but I take your point. Thanks for replying anyway.

There's a huge risk that once the dust has settled and the fear/guilt subsides into the past, he'll do it again. I had begging and crying and promises first time round.

I'm so sorry he did this to you, at such a vulnerable time as well. Do take all the time you need to make your choice. I feel for you going through the pain.

There's a great difference between feeling hopeless, and being hopeless. As you yourself pointed out, you have a lot of respect for yourself and know it, don't let other people's opinion change that. People say all sorts of things. One problem is, as you mention, if he's abusive toward you. As you rightly point out, you don't deserve that or should have to put up with it. Whatever you choose, go with your gut feeling of what is right for you no matter what other people might say. We who read the forum don't have the whole picture. It's easy to write under a nickname in a web forum "leave" or "stay", but in truth the only person who knows what is best for you is - you. If anybody should feel "hopeless" it's the guy in question, not you.

Here is a no strings attached handhold!

What a difficult time for you, this should be a happy time together as a family.Maybe think about going to couples/solo counselling if you need help to clear your head and move forward.

Category sorry it has happened to you, the pain is like no other if I'm honest. Also the swings of emotion- one minute angry, the next sad, then numbness- that's exhausting.

Visitor quite, he is devastated at the emotional abuse but in no way is he trying to downplay it.

I am already having counselling and have been since January, so I do have rl support in that and from family and a close friend. He has been assessed and is seeking counselling as well as he said he needs to understand what in him allowed himself to do it. He is so much more selfish than he thought he was and it seems he is prepared to have a good hard look at himself. Neither of us is in any doubt that he cheated because of his own issues, not issues in our relationship.

It's just a huge mess and I am sad at the thought of the future, whichever way it goes.

Oh OP

It's awful enough at anytime but while you're carrying his child?? Horrible

I hope the pain passes soon and you get clarity on what you want to do. Good luck

Its probably a bit non-MN but I know several couples where the bloke had an affair and they continued on together and their marriages were stronger for it.

As others have said, only you know what is best for you and we're only seeing what you've chosen to tell us, not the bigger picture of your relationship as a whole.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, especially at such a vulnerable time and I'm glad to hear he seems to be facing up squarely to what happened. Contrition, admitting guilt, being open about his actions and how badly he feels about it all are all positive signs if he's bring genuine.

As someone who has been through this cycle of betrayal, admission, guilt and a search for a way forward I can tell you that there is a future for you together. But in my experience, the only way to achieve this is for you to be strong enough to draw a line, turn around and genuinely move on without looking back.

I send you and hugs and wish you luck and strength for the future.

Its probably a bit non-MN but I know several couples where the bloke had an affair and they continued on together and their marriages were stronger for it

Absolutely Mustardnowletsnotbesilly.
I also bet that for every one of those couples you know this has happened to, there are another 2 or 3 you're unaware of.

What a horrible situation to be put in. Give yourself time to figure out what you want and what is best for you. Put yourself first and whatever you decide (stay/go etc) will be the right thing...good luck!

Thank you all. I have been so strong up to this point but today I just want to be alone and cry. At least I have 2 beautiful, amazing children and supportive family, plus my own career which I am happy with, I am really lucky in these ways.

It sounds as if his behaviour has shaken your world to its very foundations and you no longer have the trust or respect for him that you did. The timing and circumstances of his adultery are particularly cruel. Are you wondering if you ever truly knew him?

Neither of us is in any doubt that he cheated because of his own issues, not issues in our relationship.
If there are no real issues in your relationship, then why did he cheat and lie and what will stop him doing it again? If a pregnancy doesn't stop him cheating, what will? There is no magic cure for a complete lack of decency and integrity, is there?

Some posters in this situation want reassurance things can be worked out, but your doubts are bubbling to the surface one after another.
I would listen very carefully to your instincts, then do what you know to be best for you and your children. He could still be a good father, even if he was a lousy husband.

True @hatsoncats the issue, as far as I can see at the moment, is that he put his own needs above those of me and our family. I think my personal boundaries were not strong enough while I was vulnerable and pregnant, I just had no energy to argue with him about his horrible behaviour. So yes I suppose those were the issues in the relationship, I meant that I had been trying and trying and he had shut me out. Because he wanted the gratification of someone fancying him and fawning over him. he has now potentially lost everything. The stupid, selfish twat. He used to be so wonderful and we were so compatible, I don't recognise the person he has become. As I said upthread, since it has come out he is back to himself, actually participating in family life and contributing to the workload.

If my husband cheated, the very last place I'd come for a handhold is on MN.

My personal views on "cheating" are that although it's absolutely devastating to the spouse who's been cheated on, no-one can be owned. Monogamy is almost impossible for some people and I believe that a more tolerant attitude towards this irrefutable fact would prevent the catastrophic effects on marriages and on families. A person who realizes that a monogamous relationship is impossible for them should never marry or, if already married, should do everything in their power to resist temptation.

Tolerance, forgiveness, compassion, empathy, communication... a lack of these abilities in a spouse is worse than so-called cheating, IMO,

I thought I was in one of those couples that came out "stronger for it" and then he did it again. So yanno. You never know how things will work out.

On the bright side, op, he sounds willing to do some hard work on himself. If he follows through, then that's hopeful.

It is very very painful. Good luck.

@diodati interesting point of view. I agree, but the point is he seemed to not be one of those people for whom monogamy is impossible. I agree that monogamy is hard (some obviously say it's unnatural). It's the lack of respect and decency he showed that has surprised me (and him apparently). He has been a different person to the person I thought I knew and now I don't know who he is.

At the moment, although he says he is 100% committed to understanding his behaviour/issues and wants to stay together, we are being open about important factors for co-parenting if we split. My mood swings so quickly from wanting to give it a chance to wanting to get the hell away now.

ppandj I'm sorry that my reply wasn't more personal. I just get so fed up of the general attitude of zero tolerance towards infidelity on MN. It's always LTB or similar but life and relationships in particular are never black and white!

Of course the effects of infidelity are severely damaging and painful to everyone concerned (meaning the knock-on effect that broken trust and a damaged marriage has on children) and I speak from experience.

Your H's infidelity was all the more damaging because he abandoned you when you were at your most physically and emotionally vulnerable; carrying his child while trying to cope with the care of another baby. His personality change during his affair, the emotional abuse he forced you to endure, this to me is almost worse than the sexual infidelity itself.

And yet... he's apparently now bending over backwards to make it up to you. Do you trust him? How well do you know him; his personality, his past... ? His behaviour seems narcissistic but he may not be a narcissist at all. Impossible for anyone who doesn't know him, and you, personally and therapeutically to make a diagnosis.

Would he consider psychotherapy? Is it even an option?

@diodati yes he is more hit by the guilt of his behaviour at home throughout all this, as this has come as a shock to him. I don't know how, because I tried to talk to him so many times. He has lived with the guilt for his infidelity since it started, so has had longer to get used to that and seemingly has been justifying it to himself a lot to try to stop the guilt. But still, there has actually been no consideration for my feelings in all this and no thought of the consequences. I'm not sure about psychotherapy. He definitely has lots of issues and is aware of them but hasn't ever truly faced them.

I am finding it hard not to blame myself for not seeing the signs, for putting up with too much shit, for trusting him. But it is not my fault.

@category12 did you ever feel like you had "gotten over it"? Before it happened again I mean. Hope you don't mind me asking.

ppandj do you have support in RL? This incredibly difficult decision you will eventually have to make is yours. No one else should make it for you but you do need to think carefully and calmly. I find writing a journal helps me to analyze a problem. I write down everything I'm feeling, all the rage and hurt but also the love and hope. It's wonderfully cathartic and also helps to clarify what you want to do, once you get through the emotional storms.

@diodati yes thank you, I have been having counselling since January (for moderate antenatal anxiety and depression that had all but gone until I found out about this), and have got my mum, sister and a close non-judgemental friend who all know. It is still such early days and I think my partner and I are going through a "hysterical bonding" phase at the moment. I am so unsure and am trying not to put pressure on myself to reach a decision until my mind is clearer. Feels like such a big responsibility to make the decision alone.

Thanks for all the support.

Thinking of you very often & wishing you strength, clarity and peace ppandj.