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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Nice guy after the crappy ones!

20 replies

OhMrsQ · 07/08/2017 23:59

Hi all.
After years of an abusive husband, and then a useless controlling boyfriend, I have met someone.

And he's actually nice. Kind. Etc. I am now terrified and am so tempted to just say lets not take this any further.
I just can't go through any more crap.

Is that a really stupid thing to do? Or should I give it a go?

I thought I was 'fixed' but apparently I am a mistrusting old bag. He knows all of this, by the way. Knows ALL about my past, and said nothing I could tell him would put him off.

I don't like this!

OP posts:
Auroraismama · 08/08/2017 00:01

Huge hugs.
Have you tried deep breathing exercises when you feel this way?

Original poster
OhMrsQ · 08/08/2017 00:04

No.
I'm trying not to cry as I compose a text message to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
OhMrsQ · 08/08/2017 00:07

Just normal deep breathing?

OP posts:
ChristinaParsons · 08/08/2017 00:08

The only loyal male is a dog

Auroraismama · 08/08/2017 00:11

Please don't text anything you'll regret tomorrow Sad
Christina - not always! A lot of my friends IRL have lovely husbands.

Original poster
OhMrsQ · 08/08/2017 00:11

thanks for confirming ChristinaParsons. I'll tell him its over today

OP posts:
Original poster
OhMrsQ · 08/08/2017 00:12

Auroraismam mine too, I jsut can't go through all that again.

Maybe my mum was right. I'm better off alone

OP posts:
Auroraismama · 08/08/2017 00:18

I think you may need some counselling perhaps on your own or together?

Original poster
OhMrsQ · 08/08/2017 00:20

Auroraismama i'm already having counselling. She is of the opinion that I've been through hell and back, and if bad things happened I could cope again.

I just don't want to HAVE to.

OP posts:
ChristinaParsons · 08/08/2017 00:21

No they don't. They just haven't found them out yet. Doesn't mean you shouldn't enjoy and have a good time. I've lived too long and never yet met a man worth committing to. Mine or other people's. the number of my friends husbands who came onto me when I was widowed in my 40s. That was an eye opener. All men are weak

ChristinaParsons · 08/08/2017 00:23

Yes you are right. You would cope. Do you want to?

Original poster
OhMrsQ · 08/08/2017 00:27

ChristinaParsons I'm not 100% you can generalise like that.

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TangledSlinky · 08/08/2017 00:31

Absolute nonsense ChristinaParsons and what a ridiculous sweeping generalisation!

OhMrsQ take a deep breath, compose the text in your notes if you must and then sleep on it. My mother always taught me no good decision is ever made after 11pm, and so far it's never seen me wrong.

Take things slow and enjoy the relationship for what it is. Don't over invest, make sure you have interests outside of him and continue with your counselling. There's absolutely no reason why you can't enjoy what you have whilst you continue to work on yourself.

Original poster
OhMrsQ · 08/08/2017 00:34

TangledSlinky Thank you.
Its actually 4.30pm here, but I will sit on it for the evening. I have a life and interests outside of him, of course. Its around 70% my life and 30% him, if that.

I'm really down today. PMT and bad sleep prob not helped the way I'm feeling. And I'm homesick

OP posts:
TangledSlinky · 08/08/2017 01:09

I feel you, I'm at my most irrational when I've got PMT and am overtired...DP is used to me just taking myself off somewhere quiet with a book in those moments as I know I can't be trusted not to fly off the handle or have a wobble over something silly but it's always better after a good nights sleep or two!

insurmuntable · 08/08/2017 01:22

After a history of depression, unemployment, messed up family, parents' multiple failed marriages, etc I have the most wonderful dh. If I listed his attributes it would sound like I'm making it up. It can be done.

What I really want to say is that it is hard early on in a relationship when you are feeling all the feelings but you don't know what will happen. It's just hard, there's no way around it. Just stay with it, try to distract yourself so you're not thinking about him every moment of every day, plan some nice things for yourself (a day out, a visit to a friend etc) to stay in touch with how you can make yourself happy too.

If you sabotage the good things in your life because they can feel uncomfortable you'll never get beyond the disposable shitty nonsense. And if he turns out not to be the best thing that ever happened to you you're still further along in your life experience than you were before this happened. Good luck!

Badhairday1001 · 08/08/2017 02:20

Christina there are plenty of nice, trustworthy men just like there are women. You've obviously been hurt but generalising all males is ridiculous.
MrsQ it is scary but just take it very slowly. You are obviously strong to have gone through the shit relationships and come out the other side.

Helbelle75 · 08/08/2017 03:05

There are genuine, kind and trustworthy men out there. My dad is one, my husband another. If you've found a good one, give him a chance. Stay on your guard as you get to know him, but have some fun, it doesn't have to be super serious straight away.

DoubleCarrick · 08/08/2017 03:33

Op, you do deserve a good man. If it feels right don't run scared because you don't feel worthy.

Original poster
OhMrsQ · 08/08/2017 04:10

Thanks all so much. I have been for a swim, and am now on my way to my friends for a cuppa. Feeling so much better. I'm guarded, but willing to give it a go.
Thank you. It was lovely to get back from the pool to all these lovely messages

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