Should I take him back?

[getonthearkunicorn]

Huge backstory, will try and summarise it as best I can and not drip feed.

Been with partner since teenage years (we are in our early/mid twenties) and we have 2 DC.
We moved a couple years ago, a few hundred miles away from all family to try make a better (cheaper) life for ourselves.
Was fine for the first year, my job transfer fell through and thankfully it kind of worked out well because I then fell pregnant with DC2 and mid pregnancy sustained a serious injury which rendered me bed bound for the remainder of pregnancy.
DP found it very difficult to cope and was working 40 + hours a week to try and keep us afloat, going through a huge family problem and trying to look after me and DC1.
Shortly after DS2 was born he began going out a lot, which wasn't in his nature at all. He had a few nights where he didn't come home and it was pretty shit. His behaviour towards me was crappy and he began spending really recklessly - we are okay for money usually but we have no leeway for unnecessary expenditures.
When I was 4 months post partum we had the biggest row of our relationship, and i really hate saying this term but he 'beat me up' I sustained terrible bruises to my stomach and legs.
I contacted the police but later dropped it as I kicked him out, notified his friends who also live near us and changed the locks. I informed his friend that he was not to come near me or I would press charges. He didn't see the children in this period either.
His behaviour began to worry his friend and MH services were contacted. He was sectioned and has since received a diagnosis (well, 2) and is medicated and receiving therapy. GP, HV, etc, are aware of the situation.
I have integrated him slowly back into our lives. Dinner a few nights a week, putting the children to bed, etc. I love him and he is so sorry. I know he is taking his treatment seriously and I believe that he understands what he did to me was foul and beyond unacceptable.
I would not even fathom the idea was he not responding to treatment so well. I am in regular contact with his friend that he is currently living with and he has told me that his behaviour has improved drastically there too so it is not just a show when he is here and that he is keeping up with treatment.
I want my partner back, I want the DC to have their dad back but I am not sure if really and truly, this is too risky?

Why does he have to move in with you in order for the DC to have their dad back?

And what does his mental health team say about this idea? I would personally think for the sake of his recovery and your safety, you are better off living apart, regardless of whether or not your relationship continues.

Social Services must have been contacted when you reported him for DV? Were they satisfied because you had cut off contact with him? What is their opinion of a change in circumstances?

I think you need to take this VERY slowly, and before you make any kind of decision, I think joint counseling and you participating in his doctors visits must be an imperative. Counseling will be beneficial whether you get back together or not, because no matter what, you will always be co-parenting your children.

Based on your timings he can't have been in recovery very long. I wouldn't even consider taking him back until he has demonstrated that he can maintain his equilibrium and his commitment to treatment for at least a year longer, perhaps more depending on what his diagnoses are. And even then I'd only consider it.

Bear in mind as well that family life can be tiring and stressful and may not be good for him at this point. Nobody will benefit from rushing this.

You have had such a difficult time OP, and have coped with it all so well. I hope you have good support yourself

Tribpot MH team have suggested that he waits until he is further into treatment to move back in fully and I'm not thinking immediately at all but I want to kind of have a plan in place (for myself) as I don't wish to cause myself any hurt, or him.

Social services have been brilliant. Because I had taken it into my own hands and had cut contact they were satisfied. I spoke with the HV a week ish ago about the situation (she has been seeing us a fair bit just to ensure we are all getting on okay) and she obviously advised that if he was to move back in/become even more involved that I disclose that to SS. However as he is receiving treatment, and hasn't done anything erratic or out of character since the section she didn't see why they would have an issue with it as long as we continued to work with them.

Not sure if it makes a difference particularly but one of the reasons for change in behaviour is medical. I don't particularly want to go into great detail because in all honesty I don't have an enormous understanding of it myself and it could potentially be identifying if someone aware of his diagnosis was to read this.

all honesty I don't have an enormous understanding of it myself

This is what would deeply concern me. Before you could even consider moving him back in you must demand to know EVERYTHING. What he suffers from, what his medication is and how it effects him, who his doctors are, everything. Full transparency. Personally, I think if you go into this eyes wide open and he is FULLY committed to whatever treatment he needs, I think you could rebuild your family. Obviously, any sort of violence would never be tolerated again.

The reasons for the change in his behaviour really matter. If you understand what happened last time then you are in a much better position to judge future risk. E.g, if the medical issue was a one-off that can be completely cured you are much safer than if it is a chronic or relapsing/remitting condition.

Genghis and Aqua:

The medical side of it was undiagnosed diabetes. Something he always believed he had but due to his age and otherwise seeming fit and healthy despite the huge red flags that they ignored he was denied any sort of testing and basically laughed out of the surgery.

According to his friend he was very poorly leading up to the incident where he became sectioned. He had been poorly at home in the weeks before too.

This is why I am so confused. How much of that can be blamed on blood sugars? The other diagnosis was depression. He had a very traumatic, abusive childhood and I think when we had our own children especially when DS2 became dangerously unwell not long after birth it triggered a lot of painful memories.

I am not excusing his behaviour by the way.

Thank you for all the replies x

I would be cautious OP. If diabetes really makes him prone to attack you, there will be an ongoing risk as obviously it is a chronic condition and not always easy to manage with the best will in the world. Depression does not typically make people violent but again, if it did contribute in his case, it is associated with high relapse rates so also an ongoing risk.

Let him prove to you that he can manage these conditions safely in the longer term before you commit yourself to anything.

You seem like such a level-headed, lovely person. As for the questions you have about his diabetes, I think you need l to speak with doctors. I know you love him but you have to look at the complete picture. Again, I implore you to go to joint counseling, no matter what. I wish nothing but the best for you.

As a Social Worker I would advise that you be very careful going forward. In the eyes of SS he has attacked you quite severely. Regardless of what was going on at the time they will want to re-assess the situation.

I would strongly recommend you contact your previous Social Worker to inform of the change in circumstances so that you can be provided with the appropriate support to move forward. Not trying to scare you but if you let him back in your life without being open and honest with SS and he attacks you again, you could end up in Child Protection Procedures.

It's really best that you have as many services involved for support. I would also recommend you look into doing the Freedom Programme at your local Children's Centre so that you have as much knowledge about the abusive behaviour patterns to make an informed decision about whether you wish to resume the relationship.

Also as PP have said be as involved in his medical care as possible so that you have a better understanding of how these conditions affect him and potential triggers.

Best of luck OP but please remember you and your DCs safety and happiness must come first

He beat you up because of low blood sugars and depression?

Do those conditions normally cause extreme aggression and violence?

OP the more you tell us about what the last few years have been like for you, the more impressed I am that you are still standing.

You have had a baby, moved far away from your support systems, had a job break down, suffered a serious injury, had another baby, coped with that baby's serious illness, coped with your partners breakdown, recovered from a serious assault, coped with the breakdown of your relationship, and then got on with being a single mother. You must be absolutely exhausted

Of course you must be desperate for things to go back to some kind of normal now, and to feel that there is someone around to love you and look out for you. I still don't think that your DP moving back in is the solution at this point. Would moving back closer to family be an option?