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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm just not sure what to make of this

19 replies

Legobitch · 07/08/2017 19:34

Evening. I have rejoined MN after a bit of a break, so I am not totally new around here. Something happened with my husband last night and I am unsure how I feel about it.

We had gone to bed but were both tossing and turning a bit and struggling to get to sleep. Eventually I started dropping off and was woken to find him taking my hand and putting it down his pants, as if he wanted me to pleasure him. I was pretty much asleep and sort of did it but then stopped and went to the bathroom. While I was there I woke up a bit and sort of came to my senses. When I went back to our bedroom he was very apologetic and said he just got a bit carried away lying there awake.

I told him that if he wanted sex there were other ways to go about it and that he shouldn't do it like that. He was really sorry. So sorry and apologetic in fact that I ended up telling him not to worry and almost trying to placate him.

I know it isn't the worst thing in the world. I feel really uneasy about it. This is the man who I love and adore (and is reciprocated) but I feel he behaved quite badly here. What do you think? Am I overreacting here? Please go easy on me, my last experience on Mumsnet was pretty harsh (hence the break). Thankyou.

OP posts:

Gogglerox · 07/08/2017 19:41

If you were uncomfortable then it's not ok.
My DP does things like this all the time but I don't mind and usually just join in and enjoy it.
You DH was probably having a naughty dream and half asleep himself... however it's how it makes you feel, if you're not happy about it then of course it isn't ok. I wouldn't berate him about it though as it sounds like he loves you and maybe didn't think you'd mind, just say not to do it again and make it clear it is not ok with you

Shoxfordian · 07/08/2017 20:19

There's no consent if you were asleep

I'd be very wary of this behaviour; not much of a step from there to rape

Brahms3rdracket · 07/08/2017 20:23

If you were both tossing and turning did he think you were awake? I'm not meaning to minimize the behaviour, but if this is a one off mistake and he's otherwise a good husband I would write this occasion off as misjudgement, but any other incidents would change my stance.

Pantryboy · 07/08/2017 20:47

I don't know why you feel this is so bad OP . I honestly wouldn't think anything of it if it were me and my DH.

KinkyAfro · 07/08/2017 20:52

Bit pointless pantryboy doesn't really matter if you wouldn't mind, OP did hence the thread

Mustardnowletsnotbesilly · 07/08/2017 20:54

I don't know why you feel this is so bad OP . I honestly wouldn't think anything of it if it were me and my DH.

This.

I would just think he was trying to initiate a fumble. There was implied consent by the fact you didn't take yr hand away. Sex doesn't always start with verbalised consent, you go from peoples physical responses.

Ebony69 · 07/08/2017 21:10

I'd be very wary of this behaviour; not much of a step from there to rape

What a complete overreaction; that's a huge leap from rape.

Original poster

Legobitch · 07/08/2017 22:17

Thankyou. I don't really think I had thought that the next step is rape. I definitely don't think this is something that he would ever do. As I said, he was really upset that I didn't like what he had done. It isn't how we initiate sex with each other, never has been. i think this is why I wasn't sure what to make of it, as it isn't how we have ever done things. It isn't like we have a verbal 'shall we have sex now?' kind of thing going on, but if I put my hand in his pants it's because I have opted to do it rather than him putting it in there himself, expecting me to do things.

Thanks very much for your responses. I think as has been said, I have made it clear it isn't acceptable to me, and will expect it not to happen again.

OP posts:

MollyWantsACracker · 07/08/2017 22:34

Your husband asked for sex in a slightly different way. You didn't like that. He accepted it.
What's the problem?

YourVagesty · 07/08/2017 22:38

Given his reaction afterwards, not sure i'd upset myself too much about it tbh

Shoxfordian · 08/08/2017 08:58

Ok maybe an overreaction

If you're asleep then you cannot consent to any sexual behaviour though. I think he was apologetic because he knew it was wrong. I hope your discussion means he doesn't do it again.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 08/08/2017 09:33

I would think this to be a bit of a non-issue at this stage, in the nicest possible way. He was half asleep, you were half asleep, he started something in a way you didn't really like, he stopped as soon as you said to and then was apologetic afterwards. If it happens again, I would be concerned but he's not acted badly here at any point imo.

Huskylover1 · 08/08/2017 09:49

I'd be very wary of this behaviour; not much of a step from there to rape

Fucking Mumsnet, at it's most ridiculous!!

You were both tossing and turning. He would have had no idea, that you were starting to drop off. He tried to initiate sex. TOTALLY NORMAL.

Do married people really ask for verbal consent, before initiating sex? No....sex usually starts with one person reaching out to the other, maybe stroking or nuzzling in. Non consent would be obvious, by the other person saying something along the lines of "I'm too tired just now"

TheUpsideDown · 08/08/2017 10:00

I'd be very wary of this behaviour; not much of a step from there to rape

Oh, come on! Now THAT is a major overreaction.

My husband and I initiate sex with hands. If the other doesn't want it then we'll verbalise. If we consent we continue. I'd find it highly unappealing to have to verbalise the consent before sex was initiated. The OPs situation is nowhere near rape. He stopped and apologised as soon as the OP withdrew consent.

Personally I'd only be worried OP if he continued to force your hand down his pants.

Gogglerox · 08/08/2017 10:07

To be honest I don't see what the big deal is? Is there more to this e.g some past trauma that would make you react so strongly against it?
I think he tried his luck, you didn't like it so he stopped. Unless he's being forceful and continues to do it then what is the issue?

Original poster

Legobitch · 08/08/2017 11:11

I don't suppose there is an issue really. As others said, he stopped when I said I wasn't happy about it which was the important thing. Personally, him grabbing my hand a putting it in his pants expecting me to pleasure his erect penis (sorry to be graphic but I think I need to clarify this) is not how we have ever, in our entire relationship, gone about initiating sex. I am more than happy to put my hands in there of my own volition. This was different. Consent is not verbalised in the sense that upsidedown implies. But so what if that is how we do it? That's ok too.

As we are a few days now after, I can see that it was just one of those things and it probably won't happen again. It is interesting to get other perspectives so thankyou to those who have replied.

OP posts:

catbasilio · 08/08/2017 11:16

Whaaat? Nothing wrong to try initiate sex and stop if the other half not willing.

What a load of BS on MN!!

Original poster

Legobitch · 08/08/2017 11:19

Thanks catbasilio. Really nice

OP posts:

TheUpsideDown · 08/08/2017 13:13

It's not BS catbasilio - if she doesn't like sex initiated this way, she is entitled not to like it. OP just needed reassurance that what her DP did was not something to worry about, as it was an alien move on her DP's part.

And of course it's ok to verbalise consent if that's what makes you most comfortable. My apologies OP for implying it's not. I would just personally find it rather unsexy, and assume most married longterm couples would be the same... but I shouldn't assume. I understand we are all different. We all have every right to enjoy our sex lives in whatever way we prefer.

I appreciate OP that if sex has never been initiated in that way before then it may be a little disconcerting for you. It threw you. That's understandable. But it does just seem that he was trying something new, testing the water. It didn't work for you, so he stopped and apologised. Now you have made it clear that's not how you like sex to begin then I'm sure he will respect that wish and not do it again. Try not to dwell on it or let it change your view of him.

However, If he continues to try to push anything sexual that you don't like, after makjng it vlear ypu don'the like it, thats when you need to worry.

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