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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband threatening my family..

45 replies

EasyToEatTiger · 07/08/2017 18:02

My husband has behaved appalllingly since he condoned the attack of my daughter on me. It was as though she was acting as his proxy and she told me I made her attack me, I thought oh bloody hell, those are the words of my husband.
When we got home, my husband verbally attacked me viciously, saying I deserved to be assaulted and that it was all my fault bla bla. He went to see a solicitor to try and make me move out of the house. I have had to engage a solicitor myself. I am not dealing with a reasonable person and today he asked me when I was moving. He has invented claims against me, and also today said he was going to tell my family all about what's going on. Basically start a fight. My family was going to come and stay, and I have told them emphatically NOT to come. I have arranged for them to stay with other family.

My husband had me arrested on spurious charges. He was building up the vitriol all evening. Were my family to be here, he would start a fight, call the police and try to get me or a member of my family arrested again.

My dad has already been through hell and high water with nutter child-in-laws, and he is a vulnerable old man with his own problems up to his eyeballs.

I am still waiting to make a video interview and am meeting with SS this week. It is all taking sooooo long....

OP posts:
Badconversationalist · 10/08/2017 08:04

EasyToEat it all sounds complicated. Flowers

I remember your posts from over a year ago because it was around the same time I was leaving my husband.

This morning I am sat with my DC in our pyjamas watching a film. I woke up in my own lovely bedroom with little feet poking my back.

Life isn't perfect but it's a million miles away from a year ago.

I've even started to get used to time alone when DC are with their Dad and start studying soon for a return to work.

You need to make a change. Look how awful things are a year later. Don't spend another year like you have been living.

Do I recall that you have some ongoing mental health help? It seems like you need better help to get out of this situation.

Neverknowing · 10/08/2017 09:12

If he has hurt your children why haven't you called the police op? It would even help your case because they would see he's the abusive one not you?
I think you're caught in a web of manipulation. You're staying because he's convinced you that no one will believe you etc. Call the police and leave today. This man will kill you, or worse your children.

Neutrogena · 10/08/2017 09:44

@Newverknowing

This man will kill you, or worse your children.

I don't think there is a hierarchy of murder is there?

JayoftheRed · 10/08/2017 10:42

I think Neverknowing is implying that it will be worse for the OP if her husband kills the children instead of her - having to live with that would be horrendous. It would be worse, to my mind, to lose my children than my own life.

Anyway.

Get out OP. This man is seriously deranged, he is dangerous. Don't tell him you're separating, just take your children and go. A refuge is better than what you're living with at the moment, and he is already brainwashing your children - don't leave it to the point where they want to stay with him.

Get out now.

Original poster
EasyToEatTiger · 10/08/2017 10:56

Today I am taking the girls with me to a meeting with SS to see how they can help. I am still waiting for the police to get in touch re. video interview. I have spent so much time thinking about what has happened, when I first thought I was living with a shit. It was a long long time ago, and I remember really wanting to leave back in about 1997, and looking for a friend of mine. I couldn't find her so I went back home. I can't remember exactly what had happened.

I have just been to find the key of the safe. I think my husband has hidden it. Just off to see SS.

OP posts:
whinetime89 · 10/08/2017 11:10

it sounds like a horrible man I hooe you and your children get out soon

Original poster
EasyToEatTiger · 10/08/2017 23:02

Saw the social worker today. Bloody hell. Chocolate tea pot time. She didn't seem to understand anything.

OP posts:
Neverknowing · 10/08/2017 23:26

@Neutrogena you're right ofc there isn't. I meant that it would be much worse for the op. Sometimes you can't think clearly when it comes to yourself but if your kids are in danger it's different.

I'm so sad for you SS couldn't help op. What happened?

abbsisspartacus · 10/08/2017 23:32

They will expect you to protect your children or they will take steps to remove them to a safe environment (Yes I know there are many hoops to jump through before that happens but that might be the end result)

Original poster
EasyToEatTiger · 11/08/2017 19:29

I have another appointment with my solicitor on Mon to discuss making orders against my husband. I actually don't want to have to do this. I do not want to end up in court. I am afraid of not being believed and I am afraid of my experiences being too trivial. Also it is the most massive waste of money. I have been writing directly to my IDVA and to my solicitor. Frankly, I am afraid. I have taken my older daughter to the gp several times over the years about her behaviour, and little has changed. I recognise her behaviour as flag-waving. I have no expectations of my children being perfect. Nobody is. As a child I acted out in all sorts of dysfunctional ways in response to the behaviour of my parents. I became at least to myself, invisible.

If my children experienced in their relationships what I have experienced with their dad, I would be devastated. My husband doesn't recognise this.

OP posts:
Mamahanji · 03/09/2017 16:14

How are things going OP?

Original poster
EasyToEatTiger · 03/09/2017 20:22

Still here! Still no interview but the police have been in touch to say they are trying hard to make it happen. It's a problem when there is only one policeman left for the whole county.

I have spoken to my solicitor as my husband has been an idiot about the marriage certificate, accusing me of obstructing him by not giving it to him. He has also been demanding to know who my solicitor is. I have not told him, saying that he will find out in due course. He could easily get a marriage certificate, and he could easily talk to his solicitor. Instead he choses to bully and harrass me.

Although my husband is awful I do not hate him. Although I live in fear of his madness at least for now I pity him. He is nearly 70, doesn't clean, doesn't bring anything to the party, has abandoned his first family and is about to abandon his second. He is pitiful and hateful and sad. I can honestly say I have done my best. I don't think anyone apart from a professional can save him. I know there is nothing I can do or say which will improve the situation.

Today I was delighted that a boyfriend of mine as a teenager has found a new girlfriend. I am thrilled that love can come again despite huge difficulties. Love seems to be springing up all over the place, but not at home.

OP posts:
TuttiFruttiCutie · 03/09/2017 21:28

Hang on there tiger- you seem to be doing great! You and your children are your number one concern.

Are you a fair bit younger than your H?

TuttiFruttiCutie · 03/09/2017 21:29

IN* not on Blush

Gemini69 · 03/09/2017 21:31

are you in Scotland or England ?

Original poster
EasyToEatTiger · 03/09/2017 21:42

Yes my husband is nearly 20 years older than I am. I live in England. The age difference matters only when you are very young or very old.The behaviour of my husband is not to do with his age. It is to do with how he is.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 03/09/2017 21:51

I was asking in relation to the Law regarding your 12 year old daughter attacking you ... Social Services must action this .. you have a child in the home who is behaving violently.. and needs help ... regardless of the circumstances.. this is a Child Protection issue....

Original poster
EasyToEatTiger · 04/09/2017 09:09

I have seen a social worker and so have the children. Again it was weeks and weeks ago. I have also taken my daughter to the gp. What happened is not a secret

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 04/09/2017 18:48

this incident has been an escalation of the previous incidents.. please contact your Social Worker again OP.. they will help you .. and provide alot of support networks for you and the kids x

Original poster
EasyToEatTiger · 04/09/2017 20:11

I'll do that Gemini. I have heard nothing more from the social worker. She said she'd be in touch with my husband. My husband hasn't said anything so I have no idea if she has or not. All these services have been cut to the bone and it's as though it's pretend

OP posts:
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