I'm falling apart and don't know where to turn

[Spanneroo]

I don't really know what I'm hoping to gain from this. I suppose I need to share how I feel, and welcome advice from anyone who's been there. It's going to be a long one, so I am so grateful to anyone who gets to the end.

This is likely to be very outing for anyone who knows me, but here goes.

I had a bit of a rough childhood, with family issues resulting in a pretty turbulent home life. My dad is manipulative and aggressive, my mum has been beaten down by him over time, my sister is bipolar, and my brother is my dad's much wanted boy and has always been treated as if he can do no wrong, given anything he wants, allowed to treat anyone however he likes etc.

I met OH when I was 17, during a particularly rough time at home. We got on incredibly well, I trusted him, and best of all, he was so laid back, so stable. He was a much needed constant in my life. We fell into a relationship quickly and for years I was very happy.

The summer after I turned 18, I moved away from home to uni and OH came with me. We lived together with no issues whatsoever. It was just easy, and I can remember thinking this must be what it's supposed to be like when it's the right person.

Due to a contraceptive failure, I fell pregnant just before my third year. I was booked for an abortion at what I believed was 7 weeks. However, I started bleeding shortly before this and lost an 11 week old foetus at hospital just hours later. I was devastated and that shocked me. However, at our follow up scan (to check for the all clear) I was shocked again. Right there on the screen was a healthy foetus. Not able to face losing this baby, we kept her and she was born during our final exams.

I did well, graduated in the July, started a prestigious graduate scheme in the September when DD was 3.5 months. It was the hardest thing I've done. Barely able to support my family financially (OH hadn't found a job so was planning to be a SAHP for a year), I was exclusively breastfeeding to save money, for a refluxy baby who would regularly bring up so much milk that she needed feeding again. This meant that not only was I up every 2-3 hours at night, but was also getting up at 5am to express before work, and generally spending most of the time I was at home either feeding DD or expressing for her. I know it seems like such a small thing, but I felt like all the time I could have been home being her mum, I spent expressing milk for all the time that I couldn't. I was exhausted and felt hugely guilty, but it's what needed doing. So I did it.

It took 2 years before OH got round to finding a job (which I found him) and we immediately started trying for baby number two, something we'd been itching to do. We lost 4 babies before conceiving DD2, who has now arrived. This time, having saved diligently, we can afford for me to have some maternity leave and I'll be returning to work when she's 7 months old.

This all sounds great, but since OH started his job, it has become suddenly very obvious that he is not contributing a jot to the family. He does no childcare, even when in the same room as the kids, unless I ask him specifically. He does no washing, cooking, tidying, cleaning, washing up, banking, bills. He doesn't have any plans for what to do on the weekends, never plans holidays, has no plans or hopes for our futures at all. Just nothing.

Initially I thought he was just getting used to the 9-5 thing, but I spoke to him about it after a few months, then a few months later, and nothing has changed. Redundancies were announced recently at work and I found myself completely breaking down in front of him because I realised I didn't trust him to do his best to find another job if made redundant, which would force me to be the sole earner with a very young baby again. I made an effort to be fair but blunt when I spoke to him, and to spell it all out so that he couldn't possibly be under any illusions about my position. He promised me he would contribute more and start thinking about more than himself.

A month later and almost nothing has changed. He now puts DD1 to bed, but only because I've asked that it be his job while I do DD2. That's the only thing that's changed.

We found out that I'm being made redundant this week, but that he is not. I thought I'd be pleased, relieved to know he still had a job, but I find myself feeling deeply deeply sad. Because I know he's going to assume this means that everything is alright. He doesn't need to look for a new job, so the thing that caused my meltdown has gone away.

I feel like I'm suffocating. I desperately want him to step up and take responsibility for his own life, and a little responsibility of our joint lives would be great too. I know I should probably leave him but I feel like I'd be throwing so much away, and DD1 would be heartbroken. Not to mention that I don't think we'd be able to cover childcare costs between us when I go back to work, should we split.

I've talked to my mum, but she seems to think the problem has gone away now too. I don't know what to do or who to turn to and I just want to run away with the girls and cry in a cave somewhere. I'm only 25. I can't live the rest of my life this way.

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this

You said that asking him to put DD1 to bed has got him to do it, so maybe you need to be completely direct and ask him to do specific things? Perhaps make a list, and tell him 'this is what I need you to be doing'?

I think you should sit down and calmly say you would like to share out the jobs/ responsibilities like you did for bedtimes..
Ideally you shouldn't have to do this and it is great when you have a partner who automatically does what is necessary.
Remember one of the things that drew you to your partner was his laud back approach.

Thanks for replying so quickly, both. I really appreciate you taking the time!

There has been a list of all the things that need doing each day, week, month on the fridge for about 5 months now. It was at his request but it hasn't made any difference.

I know one of the things that I liked most about his was his laid back attitude but I feel like I'm suddenly realising that he has absolutely no drive to do anything at all.

I also don't think it should be my responsibility to tell him that when there's a pile of washing up, the dishes need doing, or that if he's run out of clean underwear, it's time to do a wash.

I feel like I've sacrificed so much for him over the years, and done everything I can for the benefit of him and our daughters, but he just can't be bothered to muster giving anything back unless I ask him to.

Even when faced with the chance of redundancy, he did nothing to prepare, despite nagging. Didn't put his CV together etc. He says he cares, but I just feel like I can't see it anywhere.

Oh sweetheart. Don't feel so desperate, please? Do you mind if I ask if you love him? There are ways out of your situation honestly even though it doesn't feel like atm

You don't have to leave him - I didn't mean that x

I don't know if I love him anymore. I feel awful that it's even under question if I'm honest.

I'm so busy doing so much all the time that we barely spend time talking to each other when it's not a practical conversation (eg. Who can pick DD up from nursery). At times I get frustrated when he's trying to be affectionate at the 'wrong' time (DD has just finished having a tantrum, meanwhile dinner is burning and OH decides now is the time to come over and kiss me,for example).

I feel like I've completely lost my way. I feel like a human machine who just does all of the things that need doing every day and then I go to bed and do it all again (on very little sleep - DD2 is still a newborn) Ibareky have any free time anymore and any that I do have, I'm so knackered that I don't want to do anything much. I feel like I don't have the energy to put into OH. And trying to get him to ease the burden is really hard work too.

Writing this, I think the crux of this whole sudden feeling of dread and sadness is based on feeling like I've tried hard to help him see how I feel, help him to pull some of the weight, just contribute something to our everyday lives, but he's done nothing. And now I feel like either he's incapable of it, or he doesn't care enough. And both of those things hurt for different reasons. And I don't know if either of those are things that can be changed

I don't feel like I'm being unreasonable but he's so relaxed, I just feel like every time I bring it to him as a real issue that's tearing me up, he just doesn't react, comes.kver all reasonable about it, but never changes. His lack of reaction to my utter breakdown under the pressure really hurts.

If I've missed a bit of the thread then I'm sorry but I have to ask - did you get any money when you were made redundant? Could you work from home? I know you don't have the energy at the moment, but being part of a group of mother's with children is good. (Saved my sanity - for a while anyway)

I'm guessing part of your sadness is to do with having to go back to work when your first born was so tiny. I was in a similar position to you, (I had a job when partner didn't) although I had savings and my work would have allowed me to take more (unpaid - different rules to U.K.) time of, but my partner persuaded me to go back at 3 1/2 months as he pointed out we'd be stuffed if I lost the job. There were a lot of other problems I. The relationship, but I still feel sad and resentful at going back to work so soon, and it was hell. . Does he acknowledge how difficult you found it?

trampoline yes I will get a fair payout of a couple of grand. No idea what I'd do as a job working from home though.

flop I did feel a bit guilty that I had to start work when she was so young. It was worse when she was a bit bigger though and I had to micromanage OH so that he didn't spend all day every day inside the house with her. I felt very guilty then that I hadn't pushed him to be the one to get the job first so that I could be at home. He just didn't get round to doing anything unless he was nagged.

He has always brushed aside how hard it was for me in the first few months though. I was dead on my feet for months because DD reversed her sleep cycle when I started work, so I was getting 2 hours between night feeds, up at 5am, out of the house at 7:30 and not back until 6:30. Looking back, I genuinely don't know how I didn't crumble.

I feel like he'd never make that sort of sacrifice for me or the girls. I think that's why the early months away from DD really matter to me now.

My goodness OP - he sounds just like my ExP character-wise. So laid back almost horizontal , lazy in the house unless I specifically stated something for him to do and I couldn't understand that if there were pots in the sink he couldn't 'see' they needed washing up unless I said. I was the sole breadwinner, he contributed practically zilch and didn't seem to care even when I would almost be sobbing with the stress (he also worked, self employed but didn't bring any money in so it wasn't as if he was a SAHP) . The laid back attitude which I suppose I liked at the beginning I started to resent and the love just fell away. He didn't care basically. We are now separated because I refused to be his cash cow and mother . I lost all respect for him. I don't think your partner will change his character . My ExP also had no reaction to my woes and worries. You sound as though you are doing it all yourself now anyway. It doesn't sound as though he will step up to be a responsible adult.

This is who he is. It isn't that he can't see or understand how his laziness impacts you and his family (you've told him often enough), it's just that he doesn't care.

Your options are to either suck it up and make peace with it, or issue an ultimatum to shape up or ship out.

You're not the first woman to find themselves in this situation but it will not get better until you take action.

This man clearly had no drive to begin with. YOU helped him get the job he has and when you were out all day he was very happy doing jack shit. I think he has been living the comfortable life for far too long and you've sort of enabled him to do so. It is unattractive for a man who clearly needs to be working to not even try and look for a job. None of his behaviour is cute.

Dowhatyouwish I don't disagree with you. It's just that, because of the stage of life we were in, it wasn't apparent until recently that it's only circumstance that's been driving him forward at all. I've always known I am more driven than him, but I'm only just realising that the illusion of progression has been the result of university naturally pushing him forward, him having to be a stay at home dad due to circumstance etc. I thought he was depressed staying at home with DD because he did so little, so I let him off because of it.

When I had my melt down, I did tell him I couldn't carry on like this. He was upset about the idea that he wouldn't get to see the children all the time. I thought spelling it out like that would be the push he needed, but it wasn't.

Is it unreasonable of me to expect him to change?

I feel like in principle, it is. But all I'm asking is that he does basic stuff like play with DD sometimes, occasionally put a load of washing on. That's just a fact of life, isn't it?

And then there's the issue of childcare if we weren't together. I can't see any way we could possibly afford even half of what it costs now (and that's not including DD2 as I'm still on mat leave with her).

Has anyone known someone like this to have that penny drop moment? I don't understand how he can't see it. I don't want to split, but I can't keep putting energy into him. It's breaking my heart

Really feel for you - everything sounds incredibly hard at the moment.

It probably won't help much to tell you that things will get easier as your dc go to nursery/school... but they will get easier. The question is will you still want him around by then? Unless he steps up asap you are going to feel so much resentment you are not going to want him around at all.

I just don't know how you can get this through to him though, if he just won't listen. Maybe try writing it down for him? Would any of his family help by speaking to him?

Spanneroo - all I can say is from my experience, no he will not change.
Towards the end of my relationship I was breaking down with ExP, I was in tears pleading with him to take some responsibility and not understanding how he can have children and not want to provide for them but still think he's the best Father in the world for being nice and cuddly. Now he sees DC a couple of times a week, for less than an hour midweek in my house, and then takes DC out at weekend for a few hours. He can't do overnights as he is staying at a friends house so no facilities. He doesn't pay maintenance as he still does his hobby job which barely pays. But DC loves him as he is 'nice' which he is character-wise. But he's more like a friendly uncle while I shoulder all responsibility (and yes I'm pissed off about that).
I have never know a person so passive. While we were together (nearly a decade) not once did we ever have one row or argument, if I ever tried discussing anything if was like talking to a big sponge. I wanted to take him by the lapels and shake him hard and scream (I never did) , nothing seemed to make him react. Even me saying we will end up separating if things don't change. He would just shrug and look blankly. I still don't understand at all.

may50 thank you for sharing your experience. I can see a lot of parallels with my relationship. OH is a really nice person but that's sort of all he has to give (or at least all I've seen of it).

Can I ask how you managed to get past the 'sponge' conversation? I feel like if it comes to needing to split, I need him to engage with that. How do you disentangle from someone who doesn't go their won way?

I can't believe I'm even thinking this. My poor, poor DD

Spanneroo - he never did engage, at the end I said you need to get a job to contribute financially and help in the house or leave. He just shrugged and left. What was easier for me practically wise was that the house was mine, (my mortgage) , he'd never paid any of that or towards the bills, everything was in my name, so he walked out with a couple of bags and that was it. I asked if we could talk about it, or speak to a counsellor but he just ignored that request.and said 'you know I don't like these sort of conversations' and shrugged! What upset me so much was realising he actually didn't care at all, didn't even want to talk, so no I never ever managed to engage the 'sponge' in an adult discussion. He just walked away from responsibility . He will charm next girlfriend no doubt into moving in with her, for however long she puts up with it if she's as much of a mug as I was .

Yes you are unreasonable to expect him to change into the person you want him to be.

No, your DD is not your poor poor DD. You aren't planning to murder him or move to the moon. You are only planning to live in a different house. He doesn't do any childcare anyway so how would DD suffer? If he has them one night in the week and every other weekend then surely he will actually be spending more quality time with them than now. That should build a better relationship not worse. I've seen that happen with friends who split.

No, you don't need him to engage with splitting, you'd like it of course but then there are lots of things you'd like him to engage with but he doesn't.

40 more years of this? Children learning that daddies can do fuck all and mummies do all the work? Mummies should be the slave because the most important thing is to Have A Man No Matter What. Do you want that for your DDs?

May50 I suppose that's what I'm afraid he'll do. It makes me so angry but so sad at the same time. I think he genuinely thinks he cares, but I can't see how he does if he behaves this way. I have no idea where he'll go if I tell him to leave. He doesn't really have any friends of his own because h never bothered much to keep up any friendships that weren't joint friends. Too much effort for him I suppose.

RunRabbit I know it's not a good position to be in with a relationship. I wish I'd realised before DD1 had come along. I know she'll be sad because she does love him (having spent 2 years at home with him all week) and she regularly grabs both of us and just hugs us both and says things like "I love my family". She's her happiest when we're all together. So yes, poor DD1.

I know I don't want her to see that such an unequal relationship is normal. It's why I have worked so hard to try to get OH to step up. It'd be easier if he'd actively done something bad.

I will speak to him tonight. All cards in the table. Last chance saloon.

Are you feeling any better today? Just thinking of you and wondering what advice I would give if you were my daughter. I'll have a think xx

Good luck tonight Spanneroo with your chat. I really do hope he will step up. My DD was very sad too, and still wants him to move back and us all to be a family, but most of the time she doesn't think about it. She does see him regularly and has fun with him so she's happy. your DD will be fine.

My ExP would never want to move back anyway as he has a fun new girlfriend, he's out all the time , no responsibilities- back to being a bachelor again. And gets to waft in and out for playtime with adoring DC as and when he chooses, and play the proud father (but paying no maintenance ). He is a friendly beach bum, never did anything horrible so as you say it is more difficult to make the break.