When I was at uni I had a boyfriend who was always blowing hot and cold on me. Dumping me then coming back to me when I had started to move on. Looking back he wasn't ready for a serious relationship at that age where as I was. I liked him a lot but really we should have just been friends and not dated.
With the benefit of experiance I also can see that he wouldn't have been a good partner for me in life as our needs in terms of stability and security were very different.
In my final year at uni I met my now husband and stopped seeing my ex altogehter, even socially although I saw him around uni etc. My ex then had a kind of breakdown and failed his degree. I have no idea if this is anything to do with me, my feeling is that he was just very lost at that time in his life and not ready for adult life.
We lost touch after uni completely but I hear about him sometimes though mutual friends but I've not seen him in 16 years now.
Recently my husband and I moved house and I went through a lot of old things and found some old photographs of my ex and some old letters and diaries. The diaries are full of pain at my failure to make things work between us and I can see how his hot and cold behaviour pushed my buttons back then and sort of whipped me up into a frenzy over him and made me want him more than I really did iyswim?
I love my husband so much, our life is so blissful together and he really is my perfect match but since I saw all those old photos and letters I have been thinking about him a lot. I have no desire to see him again but he just always pops into my mind now and all the old feelings of such as they were come back to me.
I don't understand why this is happening to me. Perhaps I am just processing the past but it feels very strange. I still feel hurt by him I think and not good enough for him which is so stupid and crazy because I stopped feeling like that in general year ago but its as if my mind has found a way back to an old familer negative pattern though him and i find myself wondering if he would want me now and hoping he would.
All this even though I don't want to see him and never will see him again. I just feel so annoyed at myself for such immature behaviour.