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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

OH self harming - please help

5 replies

Sosks · 07/08/2017 12:55

OH and I are going through a really difficult time at the moment with a complicated pregnancy with a poor prognosis and it's really taken a toll on both of us. Overall, we're actually doing quite well all things considered but sometimes it builds up and one, or both of us, have a bit of a meltdown. Which is understandable I guess.

The problem is that when OH gets really stressed and upset, he hits himself. This is something he picked up from his (sadly late) DM whilst growing up and hasn't been able to get out of. He'll slap himself, punch himself and hit his head off walls. He's now on antidepressants which are a great help for his mood and helping him cope but obviously, it doesn't solve the problem. If he does get in that state again he will continue to do it and with my due date looming, it's definitely a cause for concern.

My younger brother has autism and also does this and my DM has never been able to get him to stop, so I'm not sure what advice I can give my OH to help him. He did mention it to his Dr when they prescribed the anti-depressants but they didn't say anything and just kind of gave a pitying half smile - so not exactly helpful.

It would be a huge thing for OH to be able to find ways to stop himself doing it as it creates a vicious cycle in which he feels awful for doing it and then feels like he deserves to be hit and it's heartbreaking to see him struggle with himself so much. We've already got a lot on our plates that, unfortunately, we can't do anything about. OH tends to feel better in general if he is making even a little progress with his problems so thought I might seek some advice.

Has anyone dealt with similar? If so, what helped you? Thank you in advance!

OP posts:
Sosks · 07/08/2017 15:08

Anyone? Sad

OP posts:
Chloe421 · 07/08/2017 15:31

Hey. I'm really sorry that you are going through this. I have known a few people who have used self harm / self destructive behaviour as a means of coping and it terrible for them and so distressing for those who care about them and want to be a source of support. Above all in your situation please do take care of you and your baby and take time for your own wellbeing. The reaction of your gp to your oh's self harming is disappointing but unfortunately not uncommon. I am not sure where you are based but do you know if you can access Iapt (community based talking therapies) as if so it may be an option to speak with your oh about making a self referral? Do you have people in rl with whom you can confide about this... has your oh got close friends/ family? Practically things that some people find helpful when feeling the need to harm themselves include: Snapping an elastic band on the wrist for release of the emotion but minimal harm, going for a walk/ run/ or doing an adrenaline releasing activity, dancing/ music, expressing the frustration they are feeling through art or music etc. Identifying triggers to the intense emotion and trying to minimise these... learning to accept and feel the emotion until it passes can also be helpful. You sound a wonderfully supportive partner which I'm sure is a huge help to your OH in itself.

Sosks · 07/08/2017 16:06

@Chloe421 Thank you! Smile Sadly, there's not much support from his family. I couldn't personally talk to them as most of them speak very little English and unfortunately, a lot of the time they are adding to his stress. He does have a lot of friends, but very few genuine friends which I think sometimes adds to him feeling down.

He was suggested to call a counsellor to get put on their waiting list, which he is currently considering, but he's only recently started to be able to open up about his feelings so he didn't think he's quite ready yet. I may ask him again though as it may be worth him getting on the waiting list now!

He does also make music though and finds that helps him when he's feeling low, it's just trying to control the urges to hit himself in the times he doesn't manage to cope with the feelings. I will definitely suggest him the rubber band. And thank you, I'm trying my best! I have family history and history myself with mental health problems so I know how difficult it is for him. We've both found that supporting each other does make it a lot easier to deal with our own problems. However, I just wish I could zap them away!

OP posts:
Chloe421 · 07/08/2017 17:18

No worries. I hope you are both able to find some strategies which help. It would be wonderful to be able to simply zap these things away : ). This said, dealing with such experienced and pushing through the other side can often be as enriching as it is tough. Take care of you

Chloe421 · 07/08/2017 17:21

*experiences. That sounds a good plan regarding the counselling. As you are probably aware waiting lists in UK can be lengthy so it is best to move forward to secure a place. It may even come to be reassuring to him to know that this is in place.

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