Can anyone offer advice on maintaining boundaries when you go no contact?

[pickemupletsgo]

I'm in therapy at the moment for complex trauma due to childhood neglect/abuse.

My parents didn't abuse me but were neglectful and they take no responsibility for their failures to protect me. I have raised these issues with them but all I get back is platitudes like "we love you" "we are here for you" with absolutely NO self-reflection.

They have not taken any responsibility or engaged with me at all in my attempts to understand exactly why I was exposed to so much harm in their care.

I have asked them to be respectful and not contact me during this period while I am having therapy.

My mother has thus far breached this request four times in the last two months. Firstly with emails, then a birthday card, then an email on my actual birthday.

I'm at a loss to what to do about these boundary violations. I was considering going low contact with her once I was past this therapy stage - but since she cannot respect my politely requested boundaries when she KNOWS what a difficult time I am currently having I honestly don't know what to do about her.

I have even debated reporting her to the police for harassment (legally, more than once contact when it's known it will cause distress qualifies for a course of conduct amounting to harassment).

I am trying to so hard to disengage from her and to not react. I just don't know how I can reinforce boundaries other than to completely ignore any contact - will she just give up and go away?

I am trying to so hard to disengage from her and to not react. I just don't know how I can reinforce boundaries other than to completely ignore any contact - will she just give up and go away?

What do you mean by "not react" and "completely ignore any contact"? That's what no contact means. Ignoring any and all contact.

You block her email address. Block on all social media. Block her number on your phone. Block everything.

As for physical post, did you open it?

My mother sends my children a card every birthday/Christmas. The first time really shocked me and made me feel quite ill. Then it just made me angry. Now I just tear them up and bin them. Sometimes I open it to see what drivel she's written about loving them very much... but she'd never send me one.

I don't know what other people understand by "no contact". I mean 'no contact' as in none whatsoever. I wouldn't notify her if anything happened to the children. Or if I remarried. I didn't notify her when my dad died or my marriage broke down. She doesn't exist to me any more.

I don't know what the police could or would do about it, but it might be worth speaking to them. I don't know.

Block totally & move on. It's the only way. You can't change her behaviour but you can change your own. I'm now 15yrs nc. Life is peaceful & the odd grenade lobbed over the boundary is totally ignored.

I mean I try not to react by getting emotional or upset about it - that I am learning to manage my own feelings and not to get worked up when she gets in touch.

I'm no contact. That means I don't contact her. I don't know how to be clearer.

Thanks nookee.

I'm keeping the birthday card and the emails because I suspect they might attempt to get access to my children through the courts. So I'm keeping evidence of her ignoring my requests to respect my attempts to improve my mental health.

This sounds very difficult.

Well it wasn't clear because you talked about not reacting, disengaging and maintaining boundaries.

Some people on here talk about going "no contact" but what they actually mean is "don't talk for a few weeks until the next blow up".

You are maintaining boundaries if you ignore her/them. Eventually it will lessen even if it doesn't stop. And, if it doesn't, it will become more of an something and nothing that you can roll your eyes at and ignore.

In terms of the emotional reaction, that will just lessen over time as the distance between you and them becomes greater.

It does get far, far easier.

If you want to keep the emails, what you can do is direct them into another folder so that you don't know they've actually been sent, but will be there.

Thank you.

It's good to know it gets easier. At the moment it's all very new and it feels very difficult.

Are you getting pressure from other family members to reinstate contact with your parents?

I didn't, as my only sibling went NC at the same time.

But I do know that she has lied to people about why. She hasn't even had the good grace to say we couldn't see eye to eye on a subject that was very important to both of us (which is true, but a massive understatement!), she's actually lied. And I know this because someone I have very occasional contact with told me they thought we were being childish and totally unreasonable.

I don't think she's told people we are n/c. It's all relatively recent and I don't live near her or any family.

I suspect she will lie, though.