Insecurities and OLD - how have you dealt with them?

[CandleWithHair]

Back story in brief: with ExH for 12 years since v early 20s. Single for 18 months since split.

I've been dabbling with OLD (OKC mostly) for the last few months. Trouble is, I tend to only arrange dates with men who SOUND nice but don't necessarily float my boat appearance wise. This is done knowing that generally speaking I tend to fancy the person in the end, not just the face.
That said, whenever I DO match with someone I actually fancy based on looks, they're always hotter than me (at least, that's what my insecurities tell me) and so I avoid talking to them, let alone arranging dates, because I think they won't be interested when they meet me and my too-big bum/tum/greying roots etc. etc.
My brain justifies this by telling me these handsome guys are probably dick-pic douchebags anyway who would only be interested in one thing.

WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF? Writing this out I can see how unreasonable I'm being, but I have no idea how to stop the behaviour. Why shouldn't I go on a date with the ridiculously hot guy? How do I switch off these age-old defence mechanisms and get myself out there a bit more?

Help me MN!

Hi candle :-)
Girl you have got to get your roots done, get ya slap on, send that message and Just DO IT. Remember the reason you split up with ex and make it worth it xx
Ps if they say no then you can call them dick pic douchebags lol

I am 100% exactly the same. I end up fancying the person not the face so I like to go for nice guys not ones who know they look good.

jen believe me I'm on all of that. It's the internal monologue of "he won't fancy you" that's the real issue.

I've only had sex twice since splitting with the ex, and much to my embarrassment both were drunken ONS. 'The Fear' when it comes to knowingly (and soberly!) heading towards getting naked with someone new is terrifying.
There's an annoyingly loud part of my brain that seems to think I should only entertain this idea with men that I don't find physically attractive because they will be nicer (I do realise how stupid this sounds) and that anyone else will run away laughing.

Meg how has that approach been working for you? I'm sure a big part of my lack of progress is that I'm so out of practice I'm no good at figuring out if the 'nice' guys actually have potential or not. So I assume they don't.

I'm really, really shit at dating!

I understand, didn't mean to be flippant or dismissive. Are you anxious? What do you think the worst case scenario would be ? Xx

To be honest I feel way more relaxed and myself with the 'nice' guys. I've been on a few dates with a 'nice' guy recently and at first wasn't sure, but now he's growing on me and I definitely fancy him! I didn't fancy my STBXH at all at first when a friend tried to set us up, and I ended up being with him for 10 years.

I think I'd definitely choose personality over looks any day, so for now I'll stick with the nice guys rather than the ones who know they're good looking!

I hadn't really thought of it as anxiety, I don't tend to think of myself as an anxious person but I suppose it is a bit. I know I'm an over thinker, as that is apparent in many other areas of my life. I guess that's very close to anxiety!

Worst case scenario, to both;
Nice guys: I end up on lots of dates where I never end up fancying the guy and it's either all for nothing or I get stuck.
Guys I immediately fancy: they hold all the power, I inevitably get trodden on and end up feeling like crap
I am failing to see the middle ground I guess? My Ex was very much the 'nice guy'. We had zero sexual chemistry really and I guess I do worry about repeating the same mistake by picking a guy who is decent but boring. Similarly because I think the feeling was mutual, I'm only now trying to figure out what, if anything, makes me desirable to men. I genuinely have no idea

Guys I actually fancy are a totally new species, hence all the worrying that they're probably not going to be interested anyway.

I realise not a lot of this probably makes any sense!

Of course it makes sense, I just think you're anxious xx
you obviously are attractive and you seem like a lovely lady so maybe a self esteem issue too ? Xx
I guess regarding your worst case scenarios then you need to just see how it goes as opposed to getting "stuck". Maybe only commit to dating .... no strings. I only say this because if all your expecting is a few dates and a nice time then you haven't built it up in your head as "failing" when it's done so to speak ??

I think that sounds like a good idea. It's tricky in practice not to build your expectations but I think I'm going to have to do some very firm "it's only a bloody date" mantras in my head before each one until it sinks in.
Thank you for the sympathetic ear/eyeball!

Hahahhaha aw you sound so lovely ! Anytime ! And please update us, pm me before date and I'll sort you out xx and good luck xx