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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Wrong of me to want to bury him under the patio?

23 replies

LineLineDotDot · 07/08/2017 10:40

We have a family pc actually it's DP's but all family use it. We don't have a parental lock on it but DC 10 & 9 use it for homework and YouTube. I monitor the DC's internet use however I am at times distracted with toddler or cooking etc, so every now and again I will scroll through the internet history just to double check.

A couple of nights ago I had a quick look. There's a lot of fb in the history, which only DP has fb so I never really pay it much attention, but this time it stood out as there were quite a lot of women's names in the history as opposed to men.
Yy I know he has women friends, however he'd looked at 21 different women's fb pages, several times, in the past 5 days but only 3 men!

I don't have fb but am quite computer savvy. I clicked on the history links and as he hadn't logged out it took me to his fb and pages he'd viewed. I know none of these women and it was clear he wasn't fb friends with any of them so I'm guessing he doesn't know them either. He's been clicking on them and looking through their photo albums, he's only been viewing the fb pages of very attractive young women Hmm Lots of pouty pictures, dolled up for a night out, bikini clad on holiday, stunning really. I don't suspect him of having an affair but I feel he's being a disgusting perv or being a perv who's possibly looking for someone to try it on with. My reasoning is that if he was just being a nosey fucker then I wouldn't expect such a high number of women (21!) and only 3 men but for it to have been a bit more even.

We have been having a few problems recently and I'm unsure if previous history is obscuring things or if I'm justified in feeling this is a dealbreaker. I'm not going to give back story as I want clarity on whether I'm BU to want to bury him under the patio for this current issue or if he's a wankstain for believing he's done nothing wrong and being angry at me?

OP posts:
SpareChangeDownTheSofa · 07/08/2017 10:47

Why would he do that on the family PC that's unlocked?

I think YWBU to go through his FB.

yetmorecrap · 07/08/2017 10:47

That would piss me off enormously, you are not being unreasonable. Maybe it's the modern day equivalent of porn mags but I find it really creepy

2littlemoos · 07/08/2017 10:52

A couple I could tolerate. Like for example, say there was a friend suggestion and it was a woman as you describe and he's clicked on it to have a further look. I wouldn't like it and would confront him but that's all.

But 21. I honestly don't know what I would do tbh.

Is it possible he often fogets to log out and perhaps even left the page open and your DC had a nosy? Could be plausible for either gender of your DC (you didn't specify) to be curious. Whether it's attraction or admiration, the desire to look like them etc.

LineLineDotDot · 07/08/2017 10:54

Spare I didn't actually trawl through his fb just clicked on the links in the history and it took me straight to the pages visited. I wouldn't normally even do this but I was suspicious as there were around 7 women's names in the history one after another which caught my eye, so I checked the week's history.

OP posts:
SpareChangeDownTheSofa · 07/08/2017 10:56

You clicked on the links that took you to his FB so you could have a look at what he was on. Yes you went through his FB, it doesn't change the fact you clicked the history links and knew it would take you to his FB.

LineLineDotDot · 07/08/2017 10:57

2little not possible as the times shown have been when I've been out or visiting family with DC.

OP posts:
LineLineDotDot · 07/08/2017 11:02

Spare fair enough. I guess curiosity and suspicion got the better of me for clicking as I could see that he'd visited all these women's pages from the names so no need to click, but as I don't use fb I wanted to be sure there wasn't another explanation.

OP posts:
AdelicaArundel · 07/08/2017 11:09

Seriously Spare...OP is getting a hard time?
She was a being a responsible parent to her DC checking on their internet history- and (quite rightly) checked on links to FB.

This is her life partner, presumably the father of DC.
He's the one possibly perving over young women.

OP I don't know what problems you're having but I wouldn't like this. It would be unacceptable to me.
If he was having his eye caught by attractive people on the street, OK, I admire young people myself.
But I don't go on FB to perve over them. Yuk.

SpareChangeDownTheSofa · 07/08/2017 11:28

I'm not giving her a hard time, I'm just pointing out I think it was wrong for her to go through her DPs FB.

I'm not saying its ok for him to be perving over people (if that is what happened) either. I just think its weird of him to be doing that on a family computer where everyone has access and I assume he knows OP checks on the history due to the kids.

AdelicaArundel · 07/08/2017 11:45

OK. I'm sorry Spare- I misread your tone.
I do think that if there are two wrongs here, the DP lurking on young women's pages is the greater one.

OP- I'm trying to imagine an evening where I idly wandered around FB looking at nice pictures of Russell Crowe the opposite sex.
If my partner found that on my history, I think I'd laugh at myself and reassure him that it was nothing serious.
I wouldn't be getting angry; and if he was upset about it, I would hope I'd try to reassure him and not be such an ass about it again.

LineLineDotDot · 07/08/2017 11:54

Thank you Adelica. Yes he is my life partner and father to DC.

Spare He knows I've checked history in the past but as I'm usually in the room when the DC use the PC I don't check it frequently, only when I've been particularly distracted and not been able to monitor their use the same, so I think it's not something that crosses DP's mind tbh. Saying that he has deleted history before so must be aware that I do check sometimes.

OP posts:
LineLineDotDot · 07/08/2017 12:04

Adelica if it had been a handful of women I certainly wouldn't have batted an eyelid but 21 in a few days seems excessive.
I was quite calm when i brought it up however he got extremely angry saying he would be leaving, I don't respect him etc then swung between painting me out to be unhinged e.g suggesting I'll be hiding at his workplace spying on him then onto trying to garner sympathy that he tries so hard to fix things and nothing he does is good enough.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 07/08/2017 12:09

Your thread title reminded me of Trevor Jordache from Brookside.

Very annoying behaviour indeed.

2littlemoos · 07/08/2017 12:13

He said you are the one being disrespectful?! How bloody rich!

2littlemoos · 07/08/2017 12:14

And yes we all know we shouldn't snoop but when something hurtful is uncovered surely we can throw the don't snoop law out of the window.

GladysKnight · 07/08/2017 12:17

It's creepy and it sounds like he is 'straying' in his head. If he can't see & accept why you are upset and angry, that is the problem, perhaps more so than the pervy perving - though that is not nice in itself.

LineLineDotDot · 07/08/2017 12:17

He said you are the one being disrespectful?! How bloody rich!
My reply exactly 2littlemoos!

OP posts:
AdelicaArundel · 07/08/2017 12:25

Ah, well his reaction really tells you what you need to know doesn't it.

In many ways, it doesn't matter whether the issue is putting the lid back on toothpaste, or putting the bins out or leaving the car gasping for petrol.
The reaction is OTT- he hasn't listened, he doesn't want to engage in a discussion, he wants to threaten you with leaving, he attacked your sanity. If that attempt to bully you doesn't work, he tries the victim sympathy card.
None of these suggest that you are dealing with a mature adult.

whattodowiththepoo · 07/08/2017 12:31

I don't think it's any of your business.

LineLineDotDot · 07/08/2017 12:36

None of my business? Hmm OK then! Wink

OP posts:
yetmorecrap · 07/08/2017 12:41

It is totally her business if she isn't happy living with someone who is doing this kind of thing . I think he is embarrassed OP as he now knows that you know that he does this and consequently totally goes OTT , he should be apologising or at least saying he is so sorry if it upset you

SandyY2K · 09/08/2017 00:31

His response is that of a guilty man.

Hesabawbag · 09/08/2017 00:51

Nope, I wouldn't like this either op. It's upsetting you so it's a problem. He needs to respect you and that means respecting your feelings.

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