Husband just left me and now having sex with another woman

[Alwaysneedinggoodadvice]

Hi everyone,
My DH of 11 years walked out on me at the end of May. He seemed to suddenly start taking lots of drugs, staying out over night disappearing for weekends, and flirting with other women. I asked him to leave and think about whether he wanted to be married. The next day I came from work and he'd moved out! He never talked to me about what happened. I later found out three weeks after leaving he slept with another woman and they are going away on holiday for a week in Amsterdam. I am devastated. I can't believe he has had sex with someone else. I also can't believe he let our 17 year relationship go just like that. I am trying to cope but drinking a lot. Going to get counselling so I don't do something stupid. Any advice? I miss who he used to me. He used to be my best friend. We used to have an amazing marriage

Hi I'm going through similar. Only we don't have 11 years of marriage behind us but a child. I'm 18 months down the line too and I still can't accept it

Sounds like yours is having a mid-life crisis perhaps? Maybe a little early? X

I think you need to look at exactly what you want & to stop being so preoccupied with someone who can do that to you. He's being a grade A cock for cheating on you & you deserve better.

Thank you both. I really do think it's a mid life crisis and I know at some point he will regret it. However, trust is so important to me and I think we couldn't go back even if he did come back. Right now I don't know if he ever will. I need to focus on me. I try to keep busy but I am very depressed. I feel so hurt xx

Please don't drink to heal the pain. It won't work nor allow you to come out of this in a way that will get you back to being you. You deserve better than where booze will take you.

You have to remember that he's an adult and nothing you did or didn't do made him do it. Nobody held a gun to his head.

He is screaming out that he has emotionally detached from you. I suggest that you start doing the same even though it was the hardest thing in the world for me to do. When emotionally detaching, I don't mean have sex with another guy btw. Focus on the other areas of your life that are important to you (job? Friends? Family?) or find new things to focus on.

Don't go down the road of thinking about regret, midlife crisis etc because that's excusing his behaviour and unless there is an open relationship, there is none.

That is good advice. Drinking won't help. I feel out of control. My life is not what I expected it. The change has been so sudden. I called to get counselling today. Hope that will help me to cope. I know I must keep moving forward. I just never thought he would do this to me. He used to promise me he would never give someone else my kisses. 😭

Mid life crisis. A handy title we give things when they collapse at a certain point in our lives. The trouble with labelling it like that is it then makes you consider that he will get over it, regret what he did etc.

This is lying to yourself. He is not a victim of a spurious issue. He has treated you really badly by choice. Be angry, be upset and sad but surround yourself with people who genuinely care about you. Focus on work etc

Let yourself feel the pain and anger though, it a process.

Thx Jeaux90. I think I know that deep down. I need to accept he has treated me very badly by choice. It's just that his behaviour is so out of character. We used to be so close. I never thought this would happen. I am waiting to see a counselling to try to help me to cope and to accept that this is how he has ended our relationship xx

Alwaysneedinggoodadvice my ex can also seem to move on from person to person with relative ease. In my case it was an affair initially, the speed in which I was discarded was frightening.

3 months after we split, the AP died suddenly (Some might call it Karma) 4 days later my ex had signed up for on-line dating! All this 4 months I left after discovering the affair!

I had counselling, it was great form me and provided me with validation that I wasn't crazy, low self esteem and confidence maybe but I slowly began to return the person I used to be.

I have a friend who is a mature student studying a masters in phycology, she explained to me that people like your ex who can move on so quickly after relationships are very insecure people, simply can't be alone. She even suggested that they may have some sort of personality disorder, and whilst she couldn't give a full or professional diagnosis she did suggest there were some pretty strong narcissistic traits with my ex's behaviour. I had heard of narcissism but had no idea how it could be hidden in a persons personality and me not recognise this for nearly 25 years.

It's been 3 years now since my marriage ended and I've read loads on personality disorders and it's on now that I've realised that although my ex may not have full blown NPD they do have some pretty strong traits, and a shitty character, lack empathy and a severely wonky moral compass.

I miss who he used to me. He used to be my best friend. We used to have an amazing marriage

I felt like this too, but on reflection I realised that my ex was covertly emotionally abusive. We met young and everything happened quickly and I fell in love hard. This is called the 'love-bombing' stage. Where they make you feel like you have met your soul mate, they seem perfect.

Then slowly things started to change, very subtle at first, but the red flags were there I chose to ignore them. I felt like i was being used, and bullied. Not bullied in a physical way but more emotionally, I felt stupid and ashamed about this and never told anyone out of fear that I would seem crazy. this stage is called the 'Devaluation' stage in the relationship.

Finally there was the affair, and the speed in which our marriage was thrown away, this is the 'discard'. You're tossed away like a piece of rubbish and they move on with their lives with apparent ease.

Maybe your marriage was different, but I know that I felt the same as you in that i felt we had a decent marriage, one that wasn't as unhappy as my ex made it out to be. If our marriage was unhappy then I'm afraid there must be a lot of unhappy marriages out there.

Take time to heal from the shock of your relationship ending and the speed in which your ex moves on with a seemingly "Happy" life. Like others have written see this as an opportunity to get the best revenge on your ex as you can...live a full and happy life. Find a hobby, get fit, join a gym, join a club...do something you've always wanted to do.

My advice would be to see a solicitor and start divorce proceedings.
Do you have kids? If so limit contact with your ex, don't give him any attention other than formal arrangements about the kids welfare and access.

If not block him on social media and by phone. Go 'no contact' speak to a solicitor and tell your ex to direct anything via your solicitor from now on.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's a surreal and horrible feeling right now, but you will get through it, find your rage and direct it to getting through this and get on and live a full and happy life. Good luck!

The man you knew has changed. It's devastating but he's detached from you and you need to do the same for your sake. He's not mourning the man he was so try not to dwell on it. Focus your energy on what matters because the future can be super bright for you.

I was devastated how cold and callous ex seemed- how was I so easily replaceable? The truth is he decided months in advance to emotionally detach from me without saying anything. He's months, years along from where you are because he started detaching earlier and has sex with a new woman to distract him.
So sorry OP - it's fucking shit but does get better.

Thank you so much Mickeyblueeyes. Yes. This is really very helpful. It's been such a complete shock. Amazed at how quickly he has discarded our life together and me. I really did think we had a special relationship. I will do that. Have a full and happy life without him.
I recognise that there were issues too. I have been very patient and forgiving of some things. He had a very low sex drive and I always put up with that because I loved him. He would always put himself first.
I think I need to learn how to embrace this opportunity life has given to me. Make myself better first. Stop bursting into tears every five minutes and when I am starting to heal work out what I want for me.
He is making himself appear a very horrid person to family and friends. I have one grown son, 24 years from my first marriage.
I asked him if he wanted a divorce and he said yes. So I said I would gladly petition him for adultery but he would be paying the bills.
This talking to all of you is helping me. Men are so shit.
Xx

You are so right. I will try to do that xx

Similar thing happened to me.
Wife checked out over a year ago - she told me this.
Only told me when she had a new man in the wings.
With hindsight lots of red flags especially in the last few years

It's fine to be crying, sad and angry. It's a process. Then yes, it takes time but you will heal. Be really good to yourself, do whatever makes you feel better. Walking, swimming, yoga, coffee with a friend, cinema, hot bath.

And yes, lay off the alcohol it really doesn't help at times like these. It sounds weird but let yourself feel the pain. Honestly it does subside. It will be like taking off cling film when you are ready to embrace new opportunities.

I'm sorry my pp was harsh but you need to know it isn't a random change in him. Mid life crisis, no. He has made this decision and hurt you. But you will be ok xxx

Crazysituation that's just awful. Yeah, a few red flags in recent years. Once he ordered a synthetic ketamine online behind my back then took it just before we were about to go out on a Sunday afternoon. I mean WTAF??!! I was livid and threw it out. I was mad with him at the time but then forgave him. He's been making me feel insecure by being super flirty with other women too. In hindsight I wish I hadn't put up with it. Xx

Alwaysneedinggoodadvice - it is terrible, she is spending 50% of her time between the family home and her new partner. She tells the kids she is staying with her 'mum'
The other guy left his wife and kid and moved 80 miles to be with her.
Don't know who is worse him or her.

Don't try to minimise how hurt and upset you feel, Always. Don't tell people you are 'fine' when you aren't (although, perhaps, don't give them chapter and verse of what he's done to you...). You are allowed to grieve for the man and the relationship that you thought you had.

I'm another victim of the 'we were special, he promised he'd never treat me badly, he had eyes only for me' curse. Great relationship until it wasn't, but he'd already come to terms with it, done his grieving for what we'd had, and mentally moved on before he did it physically. You will catch up, eventually. Time will do it.

You loved having one special person to share your life with. You probably felt you were highly compatible and shared the same values?

He was willing to swap you and 17 years' relationship for OW and a new life, you have every right to feel upset and hurt.
And now you recall all the signs that you had ignored. His exit wasn't all over in one night. You gave him chances to speak up and share and fix things.

After a crisis people need to logically process the whys and avoid future disaster. But he's already shown you he can't be relied on so don't hope for any lucid or rational explanation.

Closure won’t come from this Houdini escapologist, it comes from you creating a new life in which he is a speck on the horizon.

My ex used to flirt and say stuff like xx seems to really fancy me etc..its all to make you feel insecure and part of the devaluation. Other stuff like..."You should try being with someone else and realise how lucky you are to have me!" It's all manipulation and mind games to make you doubt yourself. Trust me I'm with someone new now and I now realise how unlucky I was with my ex and how toxic they were.

Jeaux90 gives some really good advice. Definitely stay off the alcohol if you can, I didn't drink a drop for about 3 months after we split, drinking might feel like you get relief from the whole situation but it really just prevents the inevitable fact that you need to process what you are feeling, it's a form of grief that many of us have been through. I would definitely recommend exercise as a distraction and eat healthy it really helped me and I am fitter and healthier than I've ever been in my life at 47.

Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy a glass of wine and a good night out still, but having a drink to numb your pain really isn't the answer. Reading other peoples posts these cheaters really do read from the same shitty book don't they.

Get the divorce process started and agree a settlement whilst he's still in his 'happy new life' stage. I left it too long to get the divorce process going and regretted it. When you feel weak and vulnerable, especially if he tries to hoover you back in if things go wrong with the new woman, just remind yourself of what he did to you.

I would also add that it is highly unlikely that he wasn't having sex with other women before you gave him to opportunity to leave and think about if he wanted to stay married. Get a STI check booked in at the clinic, my ex initially told me they used condoms...after pushing the matter it turns out they didn't.