Frustrated at DP

[thingsthatgobumpinthenightouch]

I'm not really sure why I'm posting this but I feel like I need a vent. DP and I have a toddler son but sometimes I feel like I have 2 children.

He won't get up and help with him unless it's his scheduled get up day. I get up 4 days with ds, he gets up 3 (this is a fairly recent development as I went mad at him). I have injured myself and was struggling so I asked him to put ds back to bed and all he does is act like a child about it. Huffing and puffing that it's my turn to get up.

He also has a history of being a grumpy shit, particularly when he is tired. He whinges and moans at ds when it's early and doesn't have any patience when he is being naughty. To the point his own mother told him off for shouting at him, which of course he claims he wasn't doing.

On the odd occasion he actually helps tidy up he passive aggressively asks 'where does this go' for everything and slams things about in a huff.
Everything has to suit him. He goes out every Monday and Wednesday and plays hockey on a Tuesday night which makes it very difficult for me to do anything midweek.

Nothing is ever his fault. It's all my fault he is an arse, I drive him to it he says. I never used to pull him up on his behaviour but now we have ds I do and he doesn't like it. Won't take responsibility for anything. I'm at the end of my tether with it all to be honest.

What are your living arrangements? Have you thought about separating?

We live together in his house. I am financially independent so able to buy or rent if we split. I haven't really thought about it to be honest. We have been looking to buy a place together but struggling to find something we like. I just feel like he has become very complacent and I'm starting to wonder what he is actually contributing to the relationship emotionally. I suffer from anxiety and depression which really isn't helping things.

Op do not buy a house with him, he is not a partner, you are his house-keeper in his eyes.

He sounds like a stroppy child and is not likely to change as he doesn't see that there is anything wrong with his behaviour.

Leave now whilst you have your self esteem.

I'm feeling a bit less angry now. I think I may have been suffering from rage due to lack of sleep. This does happen too often though. I'd like him to take a bit of responsibility for once.

Has he always been like this regarding helping with household responsibilities?

Get him to read both of these, and if he doesn't make the connection between them and himself, seriously consider not having a committed future with him.

www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

www.huffingtonpost.com/matthew-fray/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288.html

He sounds like a bit of a man child. Was he a mummy's boy growing up? Only child maybe?

He hasn't always been this bad. Things seem to have come to a head since we've had ds. He was great in the beginning but he's totally useless unless he's had at least 9 hours sleep. No chance of getting that when he's off out galavanting and ds is up at 5/5.30.

His moods and attitude have always had a nasty side though. The way he speaks to me (and occasionally ds) is fucking awful. I've spoken to him about it many times. He told me once when he was drunk he thought I seemed scared of him sometimes. I had a controlling and abusive partner when I was a teenager and that prays on my mind a lot. He stalked me and harassed me for years, it was terrifying. I put it on police record but was too scared to actually have him arrested. This is why I get so anxious when he gets angry or speaks to me like crap. I keep telling him that I wouldn't talk to him like that. If I bite back but he then says I am 'just as bad as him' and it's my fault.

Have you always had to 'look after him'? I think sometimes you don't notice the dynamics of a relationship until children come into it. Then he stops being the centre of attention and you both become resentful.
In your situation I really would not consider buying together if he can't sort himself out and grown up.

Having to speak to someone many times about stuff that is making you unhappy means in simple terms your relationship doesnt work and isnt going to. Speaking to someone repeatedly to change their behaviour is what we have to do to educate our children who eventually evolve...this guy is fully grown. This is it. More fool you if you're unhappy and you stick with repeating yourself. He won't change so you'll have to decide to stay living in his house feeling like this or get yourself moved on in life. Take responsibility for your own happiness.

Thanks for the comments. It's good to see an outside perspective on this as I think mine is a bit clouded. I think there are always conversations to be had in a relationship and I don't think that it's necessarily a reason to end it without trying. I think a full and frank calm conversation is required with all cards on the table.

I'm sorry, but having read all your posts he sounds awful. Knowing your past, how can he be like that with you - poor form anyway, but with someone who's gone through what you have it's unacceptable.

He sounds utterly devoid of responsibility. If he know he needs a lot of sleep, he needs to get to bed earlier. Life changes when you have a child. I've stopped drinking as I was waking feeling under the weather after just a couple of glasses, and that's not fair on DD. Changes and sacrifices are part and parcel of being a parent.

I certainly wouldn't buy a house with this man, and I'd keep all my finances separate.

He sounds really hard to live with.

And he is out 3 nights a week? That's a bit OTT when you have a toddler. Where is he on a Monday and Wednesday?

I suspect that your anxiety and depression are bad because you are living with a Grump.