Sex in LTRs......

[FrancesTurpington]

Namechanged, but a longstanding poster.

I've been wondering about sex in LTRs recently. Dh and I have been together for around 10 years and it's safe to say that we've grown apart a lot (I've grown up a lot, for one thing, plus we had DC and they divide you pretty well). We are not particularly close, emotionally or physically. These days, I only tend to feel in the mood for sex about once a month and even then I might not bother to inform DH as it seems like too much bother.

The thing that struck me recently is that when we do have sex, it's not exactly that I want to have sex with him, but that I want to have sex and he's the person I can officially allowed to do that with. I now feel even more disinclined than I did before, as it feels somewhat exploitative! Upon consideration though, I thought that surely this is just the reality of life in an LTR (i.e. having limited choice of partner and just going along with that).

Am I completely over-thinking it? I should point out that he rarely initiates anything but equally he never says no or indicates that he doesn't feel like it. It's just.... we're each other's default sex partner. That's it.

Any viewpoints/general discussion would be welcome - thanks.

We get less than 2 hours a day rogether (in the evening) and he's always tired by then. TBF, I am too. It's mostly 'silent in front of tv' time.

I think your relationship is at a cross roads & only you know in your heart of hearts, which way you want to turn.

People make time for their relationship priorities & it seems like neither of you are a priority to each other. Do you think he may be getting it elsewhere?

TheNaze I'd be amazed!!

I think he is just a bit lazy and won't initiate anything, ever. I am being a bit petty and refusing to initiate yet another bloody aspect of our lives You're right, neither of us is really a priority to the other. I don't know what to do about it though

The actual LTR is the real issue here, the default sexual partner feeling is only a symptom. How long you carry on like this depends on when you face the issue at hand. Definitely time to honestly confront all those feelings. Not just the sexual element.

Was there a time earlier in your relationship when you wanted to have sex specifically with him? If so, what was it about him that got you excited?

Frances I could have written your post a few years ago - I too was always the one to instigate and organise every aspect of our lives. We split amicably two years ago and are now divorced. However I have been seeing someone for 5 months now and am very concerned that this relationship seems to be going the same way"!

I am actually surprised you want to have sex with him at all, OP. It may mean it's not too late to salvage things? But both need to want it.

Blobby at 5 months surely not! Surely you need to bin!

I don't exactly want sex with him, hipster - it's just that if I do want sex then he's the only person I can do that with. Unless I cheat on him, obvs. Don't want to do that either, so am a bit stuck.

I suspect its not uncommon for people in ltr's to no longer fancy their partners as much as they used to and if they thought about it would probably think, yes i quite fancy sex and OH is really the only option.

I sometimes wonder how many in ltr's would chat up their oh if they met them for the first time at a party or message them whilst doing OLD (assumption being both parties were single at time)

As you don't actively dislike your partner I think you're a classic case for some relationship couple counselling with Relate or similar.

If it would help you can also have sexual counselling through them. You need to find out what each of you wants going forward.

I've been watching this thread. Am going through similar. Was hoping for more posters saying "oh, don't worry - everyone experiences phases like this" but how things have become stronger over time... Can a relationship recover if that attraction evaporates?

I'm in a similar position to the OP, and can relate to both the vague sense of guilt around having sex with DH just because I want sex and he's the one it's "allowed" with, and to PP's feelings that sometimes sex feels like one more task on my "maintaining the emotional health of the household" to-do list.
Frances do you and your DH talk about this? Does he also feel like it's an issue (that needs to be addressed) or is he ambivalent? It took some effort to get my DH to talk but eventually we did come up with a couple things we each could do to be more attractive to the other and get the spark back a bit (but you both have to be ready to hear some unflattering things about yourselves and not get defensive!). We also found that doing sexual or intimate things without the pressure of sex helps. Things like snuggling when you're watching TV rather than just sitting next to each other (maybe it's only my DH and I who used to sit bolt upright staring straight ahead haha!) but also more sexual things like going to bed naked and having a little cuddle, talking about fantasies, or trading massages. Even if those situations don't lead to sex - and it has to be clear from the start that there's no expectation that it will - they help you feel more intimate and connected. Ditto small kindnesses and compliments throughout the day - the sorts of things that often slip after a number of years together.
We've found that those sorts of things help because, even if you're in a sexual trough at the moment, the closeness is still there so it feels easier to come out of the trough. I think sexual peaks and troughs are normal in a LTR - but it's important that the "intimacy ground work" is there so that the troughs don't become permanent states.

Fernanie - great post and I agree with every word. Troughs yes but always work on the intimacy. We have been together over 40 years and it's getting harder due to health issues but I really think you have put it well.