Friends dh is a cock, but of course, she thinks the sun shines out of his arse. Frustrating, but nothing can be done.

[jimijack]

Absolute cock of the highest order and yet she never says anything negative about him.

I say nothing, never would, never but as an outsider, it's the hardest thing.

Anyone been in a similar situation, did your friend see the light eventually? What happened?

Frustrating

Why would she say anything negative about him? He's her DH!

In what way is he a cock?

Oh gosh. If she is married to him it may be difficult. What does he do that makes him a cock?

I have/am the one where my friends/fam hate my bf. It's very stressful and I find myself not being invited places etc unless I'm on my own. Stick by your friend but limit the amount of time you spend around her man.
I am at the stage where I am in the process of leaving my bf because I've finally seen the light. But your friend has to see it for herself. Otherwise she will never do it.

The first time I went to their house a few years ago now, we were sitting in the living room (I was picking her up, we were going out for tea) he was watching the Simpson's, we were just chatting and he turned the volume up because he couldn't hear it, turned it up really loud. She just smiled and carried on talking, I couldn't hear her.

Over the years, 3 children have come along, severe mental health issues (on her part) ss involved due to the horrific state of the house and he does nothing, I mean absolutely nothing to help. His crap is everywhere, empty beer bottles, shoes, rubbish.
She says that ss are putting pressure on her because of his lack of engagement/help/support with it all, she just says "he is my rock. Just not domestically inclined".

There are numerous things over the years.

I say nothing, I think to myself "just be a fucking friend" I listen and help but it fucking annoys me that he would sit there watching tv while friends help her care for his children and clean his house so that he doesn't loose his kids due to the environment.
He does work, so does she.

Like Lipsy, I have been that friend. Exh (note the Ex!) made all my friends & family feel unwelcome in out home, yet would invite his lot en masse to be fed and watered over for a 12hr day!! We also had children & he did next to nothing for them - found it too stressful to look after them even for an hour. Thankfully I saw the light and got rif. Life us sooooo much better

I would never clean a friend's house if her husband was sitting there doing nothing.

@jimijack he sound awful!!!!! I think ss should be aware of what he is doing(or isn't). He needs told, he sounds disgusting actually.

im torn on saying this..don't clean his damn house or do any of the jobs HE should be doing, you're just making it easy for him to sit in his ass cause you're all doing it for him! And making it easier for your friend to let him off the hook.
On the other hand, the kids shouldn't suffer for his inadequacy. Such a frustrating situation

I have this with my sister. I don't want the kids to suffer either and I am at a loss on what to do. She manages to twist everything into an excuse for his behaviour. Any advice is greatly appreciated!

If people step in and help with the house then it's just enabling his behaviour.

Equally, you just have to be there for your friend and make a point of bringing up positive things in other people's relationships (aka how a normal relationship is) so over time the penny drops that her partner is a waste of space.

Much as this sounds awful, maybe it will take social services threatening to remove the children to make her make that choice. The children shouldn't suffer, but enabling the status quo to continue actually prolongs the children's suffering. The friend needs a wake up call, but often words of concern from friends aren't enough

She obviously has some big problems, very likely including him, but if she can't and/or won't address them not much at all you can do.

I wouldn't clean their home for them.

Maybe he likes the security of being with him - either the money or just the fact he won't ever go anywhere / wouldn't find anyone better. I've got a friend who's 5'8 and looks like a Victoria Secret model, she's with the biggest prick on the block, short, 8 years older, earns minimum wage and criticises her friends. She's constantly talking about hot guys from her office etc, but God forbid you ever say anything about her Bae, 95% of time she'd just sing his praises left right and centre. But then his family have money and she's been known to just take several months off work there and again, when he just fully supports her. Not married, no kids. In other words, I'm sure your friend gets something out of this setup.

I have spoken to mutual friends and none of them can stand him.
I spoke to them to enlist their help cleaning and clearing her house as she has said she is drowning and has no help, they all refused because of him doing nothing.
Essentially there are two adults in the house capable of cleaning up their own mess, they choose to not. It's in the hands of mh teams and ss, they are the professionals.

I feel so bad for her.

Walk away

You cannot save her

No way would I clean their house....I would place the hoover in his hands and say "fucking shape yourself" first

It sounds like the kids need protecting from both of them. Let Social Services do their job.

What AF said.

My bil is the biggest most arrogant cock ever and again no one says a thing to him . Boils my piss so hard and I wanna scream "who the fck do you think you are , you absolute tosser " honest he is so arrogant and thinks he is funny all the time . I hate hate hate him

Have you a really confronted him?

If you say in a jokey (or serious) way, come on get this shit hole tidied! Something like that? I did similar with someone, he was mortified and started cleaning etc.

Worth a try?

All you can do is mildly point out .."that's not very nice behaviour is it. Most people would help clear up" etc. "How does that make you feel?" Point out the bad behavior but do it in such a way that she comes to her own regulations and doesn't feel too backed in a corner.
I might help clear up for her sake and the kids so she feels supported by you but I'd be gently making my feelings known.
If she takes offense then. "I want to be here for you as I think the world of you but I can't sit back and say absolutely nothing because that's not fair to anybody. "I'll support you in your choices. But I don't have to like them"

Then really it's up to get if she distances herself or not. As a good friend you can't just say nothing and in effect condone his behaviour.

I would add that one day she might wake up and realise what a twat he is. If you say something to her and she distances herself or gives you a negative reaction, just tell her that if she needs you in the future you'll be there for her.