Would you end this relationship?

[oldmanfromscene24]

BF of 2 years has a health condition, but I'm increasingly noticing he catastrophises other health issues and it's starting to irk me (and also make me feel like a total bitch for inwardly rolling my eyes about it). I suspect he has health anxiety, in that he's on a myriad of medication, but I suspect he reads the side effects and suddenly finds he's suffering from them all. It's not that I think he's lying as such, more that he's looking for signal of these side effect and sort of convinces himself that he's got those symptoms.

To give examples, he occasionally suffers from a bad back after doing something that would kick it off (nothing extreme) and yet now he's decided it must be the start of kidney stones. Except he won't see the GP, or actively do anything that would help like drink lots of water or whatever. He'll just complain about it endlessly. Another biggie for me is that one side effect might be your libido being affected. So that's it - only had sex once in 10 months (with nothing 'for me' in between). And yet I can't 100% say 'get a grip', because actually it could well be a legitimate thing.

I'm aware sound like an absolute bitch, but I have been endlessly sympathetic (to my own mental detriment most of the time) and have done everything in my power to help at every stage. Researching, practical help, booking and driving to and from appointments, just anything and everything I can. But I feel like he's sort of cast himself in the role of a sick person (don't get me wrong, he has a genuine condition that is dreadful to live with), and is unwilling to live any part of life that he is perfectly able to. Does that make sense? I just wish he'd help himself occasionally. Like he really needs to be taking care of his diet, and yet he'll bang a ready meal in the oven daily because he's too tired / ill or whatever to cook, and yet will be fine to play the play station for 3 hours, do his music things, walk up the shop and back etc. It would literally take no more energy to stick a jacket potato in the oven.

Then again, I feel it's so unfair of me to be thinking these things! Am I being totally heartless? I don't even know why I'm posting really. I just feel really down about it all. How do I encourage him out of this negative spiral? Do I accept it and just do as I am now - just try not to give too much attention to it whilst also being sympathetic. Will it ever get better? Or should I just accept I'm a heartless cow and end it? I just can't seem to sort my thoughts / feelings out about it at all.

You are not being totally heartless, and with my experience it will not get better , you are not a bitch seriously

YANBU. He wants a carer not a DP.

This would drive me insane too. Can you not gently but firmly remind him that he has not had a diagnosis of Kidney Stones (for example) and do it every time he mentions it?

I would end this so called relationship immediately and work out exactly what attracted you to be with him at all in the first place. You are also going to have to look at your own roles within this and not repeat the same old in your next relationship. You cannot help anyone who does not want to be helped.

Read up on codependency in relationships. It was never down to you to bring him out of his negative thought patterns but you made that one of your roles; why?. Conditioning from childhood, that may also have some bearing here. You seem to have been his rescuer and or saviour throughout and no-one should be those in a relationship.

Why is your bar so very low here that you have put up with this from him; enabling him as you have done has just given you a false sense of control and he has lapped it up. Parts of this make you seem like his mother more than a girlfriend.

You would not be a heartless cow to end this; infact this could be the making of him but probably not. He will in time find some other over nuturing female type to target to look after him.

I think this person just wants someone, well anyone female and with a pulse, to look after him. He does not want to help his own self here, he wants you to bust a gut and knock your own self out helping him. He is truly a selfish individual.

It sounds like your relationship has run its course, don't retreat spending the next how many years with a moaning moo, you deserve better than that!

I agree with Atilla, why does he get you to drive to appointments? is he that bad , red flags flying , you deserve better

Thank you for the replies, and reassuring to know it's not just me being a dreadful human being.

Atilla there's definitely something in what you say about conditioning / casting myself in a daring role. I will definitely need to address this going forward. Now it's been said, I do think I recognise a lot of selfishness in the relationship. There's the big things, like allowing his mother, who is older and not in great shape herself, to do all his washing / shopping etc. when it is absolutely not out of his capabilities in terms of his condition to do this. It's really unattractive actually. But the smaller things are starting to irk now too, and I have a feeling that without the 'connection' of sex and intimacy, my tolerance seems to be waning. I do feel like a mother (and I have 2 of my own!). I need to end this, don't I?!

In my opinion if you want any quality of life with someone , best to do it now before it gets any worse, sorry x

My tactic is usually to tease him a bit when he starts catastrphising. It used to feel quite good natured and would stop him going on quite as much but recently I can hear resentment in my voice, if you know what I mean? I think I allowed myself to be lured type thing, as initially, although I made concessions for his condition, we had a lot of fun. Now we don't do anything. I've started to do my own thing more and more, like I'm emotionally disengaging.

I made a bit of a stand yesterday after he cancelled plans with friends and I went anyway on my own. I just text to say good morning, hope you're ok, bbq was fun type thing, and the response I got was 'I was ill twice - that was fun!'. I genuinely think it wasn't meant passive aggressively, just that anything outside himself and his condition just isn't up for discussion. I'd at least have tacked on that I'm glad he had a nice time, y'know? Gah!

Absolutely end it. This is only going to get worse and thank god you've spotted the red flags. He sounds totally selfish and to be blunt you get nothing out of this relationship.

He will continue to make excuses rather than make the most of it.

Is his mother a hypochondriac too? That's where it stemmed from with my ex. His mother told me the first time she met me she had 2 years to live and that ex and his father didn't know! There was NOTHING wrong with her. Mental bitch

Thank you for helping me sort my feeling out. I'm going to end it. My time is precious and he's not benefitting my life in any way, and I'm slowly losing any sense of self in this relationship.

JK1773 yes!! Again, some real conditions but also one hell of a lot of grumbling and grousing about things that people just get on with - like feeling a bit tired etc. There's some real co-dependence going on there too. Now I'm thinking about it - red flags!

Definitely! It won't get better. You deserve better. Sounds utterly miserable, I was. You'll feel so much better when you're free of it. I left and I've never once looked back. The relief is amazing

Oh you'll feel like you're on holiday once you end it!

Genuine illness is one thing, but total selfishness combined with hypochondria is another.

You deserve so much better. He needs a nurse maid and a therapist, not a girlfriend.