WWYD- do we leave or stay?

[lilforest]

I posted recently about difficulties with grandparents forcing visits with our DS all the time. We are sick of it. I took the helpful advice I received about setting firmer boundaries in place and a more set visits to do something nice once every few weeks. Well it didn't go well.

Still just a few days later we have been asked 6 times about visits within a 24 hour period by the in laws- my parents are just as bad. On a phone call on Friday I was asked 5 times by my parents why we couldn't see them. It's not always in a nice tone, it's often quite hostile. They all have hobbies on different days that they won't ever change because they are too set in their ways, then we get the guilt trip messages and calls of "oh we haven't seen little DS in ages, I barely recognise him from the pics" it's been 2 weeks....

We live 5 minutes away from both of them.

We don't want to move because we live within a mile or so of some highly regarded schools, which is the reason we chose to live here in the first place. But we are starting to realise that it's never going to stop unless there's some distance. It would have to be a good 2 hour drive to stop the issue. My worry is that PIL would relocate near us as SIL is overseas and not returning any time soon.

I know the simple solution would be to just say no but it's really not that simple. If we ignore their calls they just keep calling, they then just turn up because they were 'worried about us' because we didn't answer. I have bad anxiety which makes it ten times worse for me.

Wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation? Any advice would be appreciated.

Hi lilforest,

Unfortunately disordered of thinking and emotionally manipulative people like your parents and inlaws ride roughshod over boundaries and actively rail against them. I was not therefore altogether surprised that your attempts at boundary setting has not worked out as you hoped it would. Their actions will ultimately put you into having no contact with his or your parents.

What does Mr lilforest make of all this from your respective parents?. What is his opinion on this? What do you want to happen re your parents and your relationship with them?.

It is NOT your fault they are like this; you did not make them this way. They are not going to change; you are both going to have to reaffirm your own boundaries here and using legal means against their harassment is not unreasonable.

re your comment:-
"I know the simple solution would be to just say no but it's really not that simple. If we ignore their calls they just keep calling, they then just turn up because they were 'worried about us' because we didn't answer. I have bad anxiety which makes it ten times worse for me".

They are the root cause of your anxiety and they are making you feel worse. You need to put physical as well as mental distance between you and they.

Your SIL likely relocated overseas purely and simply because of her own overbearing and controlling parents. What they are doing to you here is abusive behaviour.

If they keep turning up like they have been and still are then I would call the police. Such harassment even from relatives is unwarranted and this contact is unwanted. If they keep calling block their numbers from your phones. You would not have tolerated this from a friend; family are no different.

I would also seriously consider moving away; schools change over time and highly regarded schools are in itself not a good enough reason to remain where you are. What you describe is like living under siege; its no life for you or your child. They could also follow your child to and from school as well or try and see him/her on their return journey.

I would also post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages.

Are you brave enough to tell them no and say visits will be when you want, not when they can squeeze you into their busy schedule?

Don't answer the door.

Take the dc upstairs to play tents. . Make one and hide in it.

Reply to calls /texts that you are busy and will ring them at x o'clock. . In laws - tell dh to contact them.

Arrange one day a month when each set gets to spend the day with your DC. Alone. The do something with your OH that you can both enjoy. Make sure that they know that this is their time

Thanks for the replies. My DH is fully on board and completely fed up with it as well but the difference is he doesn't get stressed about it. I do. He is very laid back and doesn't get stressed when we don't answer the phone, he doesn't mind answering the door and saying "were fine, bit over the top to come round- bye then".
I'm having counselling at the moment and the therapist has also suggested that the root cause of my anxiety is controlling and overbearing parents since childhood. I do love them all and don't want to cut them out of my life because I do enjoy spending time with them when they're not being demanding BUT there are zero boundaries. I'm thinking of writing them a letter as a last attempt at letting them know how much of a negative impact they are having on my life. However i'm sure this would probably be torn apart and dismissed as 'being dramatic'-everything always is.
Had a big chat with DH today and he said he's going to go and see PIL later to tell them if they don't back off we'll move and they won't be told where and we'll have to just meet at a neutral location, once or twice a year if that.
Fuck knows how I'm going to approach my parents!