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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feel like we just exist together after kids

2 replies

800msprint · 06/08/2017 09:57

Just having a moan really and some days I feel better than others - usually when I've had decent sleep!
Been with DH 7 years (oh god is this the 7 year itch!!) and have two young kids3 and 1. I feel like since we've had children we've given up on our relationship a bit (a lot) and just exist together trying to get through the day looking after them/working etc.
Sex is a massive issue - we've had it maybe three times in the last year. Now I feel awkward about it as it's become the elephant in the room too. Neither of us initiate it.
We never go out on dates as we have no babysitter and there is nowhere around where we live I would like to go out (maybe except the cinema).
We talk to each other mainly like friends. We don't argue a lot although I've noticed a lot of simmering resentment from my end which I shouldn't have. I feel like we are no longer equals anymore. Before children we shared everything. My DH earns more than me so was always going to be the one who went back to work after kids. I work part time but feel completely lost and adrift as I feel like I'm at a crossroads and don't know where to go work wise (if at all). Also the mental load. I never realised that having children would mean I would turn into a cleaner! And all that other stuff that comes with it - the remembering jab dates, shoe measuring, washing the towels, replacing the toilet roll, booking the gas engineer, buying the birthday cards etc etc. I just don't think he realises the extent to which all this mounts up. But how can I feel resentful as he works full time in a hard full on job!! I know I'm lucky really but it does get me down. I'm annoyed with myself that I never sorted myself out career wise earlier on and now I feel like a 1950s housewife in suburbia. It wasn't supposed to be like this!! I guess what I'm trying to say is I feel like we are now different people with different roles now we have children and I don't feel close to my DH anymore. I hope it will come back when the kids are a bit older.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/08/2017 10:09

"It" won't come back when the children are a bit older; you could just end up feeling more used and even more resentful of him. Having children as well does not make you the cleaner by default. Many people work hard but also share the load; what does your DH do around the house and with the children?. You also work full time and do the lions share of the household stuff. Do you for instance buy cards for his side of the family; if so you really do not have to do that. You are not his social secretary.

Would you want your children as adults to have a relationship like this is. No. So why are you both modelling this to them for them to potentially repeat as adults?. What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

How did all the problems with your sex life really start?. It needs to be addressed otherwise nothing will change. He has also played a part in this as well as you and you both seem to be stuck now in your respective corners. Would you as a couple be willing to talk to a counsellor about your relationship issues?.

Is it possible to pay for a sitter to look after your children for a couple of hours one evening if family are not available?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is in this for you?.

CV893 · 06/08/2017 10:23

This is pretty normal with a 1 and 3 yr old to be honest.

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