AIBU to feel lonely and used?

[laura801]

Hi all - I am currently pregnant and could do with some advice on whether I am BU (could be my hormones)!

My partner is going through a very hard time at the moment as his ex is denying contact with his children. I am helping him with his court case and generally doing all I can to take the strain off him but I feel like I am getting nothing at all back. He used to be very affectionate but that has stopped almost completely and he has recently started to belittle me by saying that I 'do nothing all day' because I have a desk job.

He also does things like saying he is popping to the shop to get things for a movie night but then going to the pub for 2 hours.

We do not share finances as he smokes, drinks and has children to pay for, whereas I don't but I pay for the car and house we share, holidays, gifts for the kids etc and overall have more outgoings than him. I have loaned him money on a few occasions recently and got a phone contract out for him but he is not paying me back any of it and I am now struggling financially, which will only get worse when I go on maternity.

I have tried a few times to tell him how I feel and he apologises but nothing changes. I am so low and just don't know what to do.

Am I overreacting?

I'm sorry things are so bad but you are in no way BU. He sounds awful. Perhaps you are discovering why his ex is not with him and isn't keen on contact. How do you see your future together? Sounds like you would be better off having the baby without him, even though that may feel scary right now.

If your living together the bills should be split 50/50. That's the first thing you need to change. Secondly, if you can, cancel the mobile phone contract you took out for him. Tell him you can't afford to pay for it, which you can't.

He sounds like a total twat by the way, you go to work so how is that "doing nothing" all day? Your at work all day! Your also pregnant which is extremely hard!!

Do you want to be with him?

Thank you for the replies. I think deep down I know I need to walk away if things don't improve, I just feel like I have let my child down before she is even born.

He is a very good and loving father, no complaints in that respect and I hate to think of my daughter missing out on that.

I don't mind paying more than my share because I do earn more than him and that is what we agreed but that might need to change when I go on maternity.I will speak to him again and tell him I'm cancelling the phone contact unless he pays up.

Thanks again

I do want to be with him if he starts treating me with the respect he always has in the past but that has to come from him I guess.

Hmm I would leave the custody battle to him to sort, perhaps there's a reason his ex doesn't want him around the kids.
Can you sit down with him and swap the bank details for the phone to his? If not tell him you are cancelling it and do it.

He is a very good and loving father, no complaints in that respect and I hate to think of my daughter missing out on that.

What exactly do you mean by that? He plays with his kids? Takes them out? There is a lot more to being a parent than that - if you are paying for gifts for them, and subsidising his living costs then he is already showing he can't be financially prudent to his existing children.
He might be a good Disney Dad but is he a real father?

It's not your hormones.
How long have you been a couple?
If he looks for the answer to problems in the bottom of a glass he is not going to be a very supportive partner and dad to your child.

We have been together for 3 years and until recently (when his ex got a new partner) they more or less shared custody of the kids so I have had a lot of involvement with them. When I say he is a good father I mean that he when they would stay with us he ensured they were well looked after in terms of practicalities as well as lots of play time and affection. He pays maintenance well in excess of the minimum by choice and until recently has given his ex any money she has requested for uniforms, holidays etc so honestly he does do all he can to be a good father. The kids have told us that their mother is crying all of the time in front of them and that she and her partner argue a lot so we are concerned that she may be having problems of her own that is leading to her acting this way with the kids, who are desperate to see their dad.

I really feel for my partner for what he is going through and it is only affecting him so badly because he cares so much and feels powerless to help his kids until the court steps in, but my issue is that none of that is my fault and I feel totally exhausted by it and getting no support myself. It's a total nightmare but I know it doesn't justify his behaviour toward me.

Thank you all for your replies, it is really helpful to know that I am not just overreacting.

When I said 'until recently' I meant about the money for uniforms, holidays etc. He still pays the maintenance but obviously his ex hasn't asked for anything else since stopping contact.

This is what you've told us about your boyfriend.

He belittles you
He is not affectionate
He criticises your job
He pops to the shop but actually spends two hours in the pub
You pay for the house, car, holidays, gifts for his children whilst he spends his money on smoking and drinking
He has borrowed money from you but not paid it back
You have taken out a phone contract for him

Imagine you were reading this about your friend's boyfriend. What would you think? Would you think her hormones were impacting her judgment that she is being used? Or would you wonder why she is with him?

Why doesn't he pay his half of household bills? Why can't he take his own phone contract out? Why is he putting you down?

Can you see why the mother of his children doesn't want them around him?

Seeing as you are already paying for everything plus lend him money you'd actually be better off financially without him. He isn't being supportive, kind or loving which is what you need in a boyfriend. He's already leaving you to it to go to the pub. What's he going to be like when there's a baby?

I agree if it was a friend I would suggest she leaves him, which is why I'm currently thinking that way. Slight correction though, I don't pay for everything so sorry if I gave that impression. I certainly pay for more of our shared things than him but as I said I have more income at the moment so haven't minded that. It's the phone and the loaned money that bothers me.

I can't see why his ex doesn't want him round the kids though, to me that's a separate issue and totally unfounded as I have never seen him be anything but a good parent.

I agree though that the way he is treating me is not acceptable, I guess I just needed some validation before seriously confronting the issue so thank you.

I'm so sorry you're going through all this. I know he's been a good dad in the past, but it sounds like he doesn't cope well with stress. This doesn't bode well for when a baby keeps him awake at night.

Maybe his ex noticed an increase in his drinking and in his volatility and that's why she's stopped contact.

You certainly need to lay it on the line for him and if he doesn't do anything to reduce the drinking in particular then you need to leave him.

I think you have hit the nail on the head Mittens, except that his ex doesn't know about the change in his behaviour as that has happened since the custody case started.

I agree that I can't cope with this on top of a new baby so I will make it clear to him that if he doesn't get himself sorted before then I will leave. I could accept a certain amount of taking his stress out on me as he is going through hell being separated from his kids after previously being such a hands on dad but he needs to regulate how he handles that.

Your partner sounds awful and you've been a mug. Stop being the latter and get rid of the former. What a pity you chose a wanker to be the father to your child.

So your partner hasn't told you why he's not allowed contact?

Oh I know the reason his ex has given and also know that it is a lie, she has said the kids don't want to have contact but they have told us and members of my partners family and her family that they have been begging to see their dad but not allowed. I think it boils down to jealousy about my pregnancy as that was when she suddenly changed her attitude.

The eldest child is 13 and is actually asking to live with us and has asked to stay with another relative until it is sorted because of the way the ex is treating them. I won't go into detail but the solicitor has told us social services will almost certainly investigate the ex in terms of emotional abuse.

To be honest though, that is not the issue as far as I'm concerned, I only mentioned it as background as that is what started off my partner's mood swings. I can understand that he is constantly worried about his children and feeling powerless to help them, which is why I wondered if I was being a bit hard on him, given the terrible situation. Thank you for your input though.

I can understand that the stress of this is making him drink more, but he needs to have it spelled out to him that there is an innocent baby who is going to be added to this and it will make him more stressed if he is sleep deprived.

It sounds like you've been a wonderful stepmum and I suspect you were very hands-on when they were living with you.

Maybe an ultimatum is in order, but for that to work he has to know you mean it.

How pathetic and cruel. Surely your partner should just go round there if his kids want to see him. He has every right. How has it got to court?