is this normal please help

[dublingirl48653]

so posted a while back

just want to ask opinions on the following

17 weeks pregnant
found out start of may

since I found out dp has been slowly getting more and more abusive
name calling
shouting
putting me down
telling me off

was on holidays last week in spain - he got angry with me
walked off and told me he had to other wise he would have flattened me into the ground

I am carrying a baby in my womb
this is just all so bad
when I bring it up he tells me he will call male domestic violence helpline as I am abusive towards him for bringing up things that have gone wrong

Why are you with him? He sounds awful, do you have family or friends you can go to?

I just happen to have googled this for a friend of a friend earlier. assessment [[https://www.dangerassessment.org/DA.aspx]] I'm not sure whether it's something that is used in the UK or just the US but it was developed to help victims of domestic violence to see the pattern and frequency of violence.

Pregnancy is a very common time for DV to start and/or escalate.

Flipping it around so that you are apparently the abuser is also very common. Do you have any real life help to call on? Family, friends, neighbours? Even if you don't feel like you are particularly close to them at the moment you will be surprised who your friends are when you are truly in need. Maybe you could talk to your midwife/HV and see what help they can offer you.

Threats of violence are a precursor to actual violence. He is telling you what he thinks of you when he talks about wanting to flatten you into the ground. Even though it's 'only' verbal, it is designed to intimidate and keep you in your compliant box.

It's not normal or acceptable behaviour from someone who is supposed to love you

Not normal at all. Get away from him as soon as you can, he sounds toxic for you and your baby. Please try and find some family or friends to stay with x

sorry link doesn't work - I guess it is to stop abusive partners following the trail. Google the danger assessment as long as you can clear your history afterwards.

No it's not normal. IME pregnancy usually makes a man feel protective, and brings a couple closer. I think some nervousness or anxiety might be normal, particularly if the pregnancy is unplanned, but nothing like what you describe.

I'm sorry to say it but it doesn't sound like he is ready for fatherhood and you should anticipate raising your child alone; either you will quite rightly end the relationship when you get tired of his mistreatment of you, or he will walk away.

thanks so much

got away but he rang me crying saying he wuold kill himself so I book a flight for him here

not good
this poor child
i rarely by myself first and was worrying what would happen to do over me ie his livlihood etc if he did flatten me to the ground

Be very careful, please. Violence against women goes up in pregnancy. Not sure where you are based but
0808 2000 247 and
www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/
May help. The website has a way you can cover your tracks.

www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/

thanks so much

anyone else been through this

i never knew i could be in this position

knocked over by the lies when he realises he has hurt me

Dublin girl did you say that he is flying to join you on holiday now? Are you abroad? You need to read other threads and take advice given above now.At the very least you need some time away from him to reflect, so does he if that's your worry. This is classic abuse pattern please take the advice...

thank you

I am with my family so others are around

Get away from him as fast as possible and make it permanent.

Dump him quickly. He won't kill himself - he's using the threat of it to manipulate you and make you feel guilty - classic abuser behaviour. It won't get any better if you stay with him . You're better off raising a baby on your own

The crying and threats of suicide is a narcissistic trait, it is a way of controlling you, been there myself, please stay safe and cut all ties.
It will only get worse .

If you don't leave him now you will be abused for the rest of your pregnancy and open your child up to a life of horror as well. LEAVE HIM TODAY.

The threats of suicide are just another classic tool of abusers - it's one of the questions you will be asked about his behaviour by anyone trying to assess the level of threat he poses to you (not to himself).

If he did kill himself (he won't) you would not be in any way responsible so please don't let this sway you. These men love themselves far too much to kill themselves. They just know it gets you where they want you. It is however another sign that he is mentally unstable that he thinks this is the way to get you onside.

Please try to get some professional help to deal with this. Your midwife is a good place to start. Sadly she will have seen this before.

It is not normal

3 weeks each month of niceness and a few days of horrible names and fighting

Also the fear of bringing things up with him scares me

How will I ever break free??

just to say again thanks for help here

and for opening my eyes

apparently I am the evil abusive one because i did nothing when he threatened suicide

i could go on and on -very sickening behaviour

Hey OP, are you safe now?

working on a plan
have changed my mind from time to time

however
sat down earlier thought about the key events :
cheating
lying
telling me off
taking advantage
messaging other girls
grooming younger girls
snatching cigarette from my end violently
slamming doors
threatening suicide if I leave
name calling
telling me I am the abuser and ringing DV helpline
telling me he will 'knock me over'
shouting inside flat
jeckyl and hide character
mocking me
laughing at me when I tell him I love him

what a fool I am
maybe I do deserve some of what he has done to me??? I dont know

You do not deserve any of the above. Please listen to the previous posters and get away from him now.

You don't deserve any of this.

You could literally be Hitler level evil and you still wouldn't deserve this.

Abusive men often start the proper abuse once they have made the woman pregnant. Because they know she is feeling vulnerable and is more likely to accept the abuse.

Your relationship is dangerous and abusive. You are more likely to be killed by him while you're pregnant than at any other time. This is an emergency situation. Stop talking to him, don't engage with him, stay calm and boring and for God's sake, get away from him as soon as you can.

Next time he threatens suicide, ring 999 immediately. You can't stop him from topping himself anyway, if anyone could it would be police.

Please love don't stay with him, you'll ruin your child's life.

What kind of man is this?

You booked him a flight and let him come back/meet you?

Did you pay for that flight? You need to run as quickly as you can away from this man. He is bad news for you and your baby!

It is crazy
Low and vulnerable and feeling I don't accept this

But can't seem to make the move
Afraid of hurting him??
Who knows?????