Leaving - or not...

[Anastasia123]

Hi. It's my first time posting and I feel a bit lost so please be gentle. I've been with my DP five years and what was a happy and loving relationship has soured into something ... not awful, but really up and down. I think about leaving often. He's grumpy, generally, and quite an introverted person. His lack of willingness to socialise is something I've defended a lot, but it's getting awfully wearing. He also has a very low sex drive (yes, we've done counselling), which is tough when you're the woman wanting it much more than the chap. I feel like I have to cajole him to do stuff around the house too, and I know this is 2017 when we should share chores (we both work).

However, I'd be a monster to leave him now as his father died only a couple of months ago, so his grumpiness and lack of interest in sex is completely understandable. It's just that the grumpiness and lack of interest were around long before the grief.
Please don't think I'm awful I've been as patient and kind as I can for so long but I'm afraid we can't row back from the constant tension. He snaps or uses an aggressive tone, I pick him up on it, he tells me I'm over-dramatic the cycle is endless.

I'm 40, we have no kids. I think if I end this I can probably kiss goodbye to becoming a mum. This makes me so sad. I'd also hate myself for leaving when he's having the hardest time possible. Help? Perspective welcomed. Thanks.

If you're 40 you will probably not become a mum anyway, unless you adopt, and that won't be easy either since (I googled for this answer) the bureaus seem to have an upper age limit saying the parents shouldn't be more than 40 years older than the adopted child. But you might want to consider adopting an older child (a young child, and so not a toddler). Why not discuss this with your husband? You also might want to learn more about argumentation techniques so google for "giraffe language" on Youtube, that is one suggestion - type "jackals, giraffes, requests & love". Suggest you check out what is "jackal language" (from the videos).

Have you been trying for children?

I don't actually think ops chances of having a dc are gone yet.

You've still got a good few years imo.

However regarding your relationship, it's making you unhappy he sounds like hard work l, bad tempered, doesn't help around the house, doesn't enjoy going out when you do, mismatched sex drives.

I'd call it a day.

If the relationship is not making you happy or him, it's really just a matter of time till one of you leaves isn't it?

Technically you're right of course - there are always outliers - and I read an article on the internet about the world's oldest mother giving birth at age 74.

Also, people break up a lot. According to statistics "The number of divorces in 2015 was highest among men and women aged 40 to 44" so it follows when you're hitting 40 you're statistically more likely to divorce (if you live in England or Wales).

Honestly? He sounds awful and you don't sound well-suited. I'd start to put the wheels in motion to leave.

It's very sad about his father, but you say that he was like this long before the death so you have your answer - this is what he's like. I understand your unhappiness about not having children, but would you really want to bring children into the world with a permanently grumpy and unhelpful father? That's a whole new world of unhappiness, believe you me!

Do you think he loves you ? If you don't the. Go, his grief will be there anyway, IME you can't really help the person anyway.

Sounds to me like staying is the worst solution and won't get you kids either. You'd have to be having sex for that to work.

This is a real tough situation OP but be honest with yourself. Do you really think adding a child to this would help? If your relationship is struggling to the point where you don't feel you can save it then the stress of pregnancy / birth / sleepless nights etc will not help.

I'm sure you wanted some feedback from people who have been in your position and made both choices, stay and go, so you could see how it might be for you but in reality your experience is your experience.

I can see why you would worry people would see you as a 'bad person' for leaving now but who are these people? Do their opinions matter to you, really? Just remember none of them have to walk in your shoes. What matters is if you would see yourself as a bad person. You only have to live with you at the end of the day.

Good luck.

If you aren't getting what you want from the relationship, then you should end it.

As for leaveing him when in a loving relationship, this is not an excuse for being horrid to your partner. It may be the reason you hold your partner more closely and thank your lucky stars that you have one good thing (them) in a world that looks otherwise cold and hard

Get out, while you still have the energy to look after yourself. Why put up with such selfishness in a partner. They don't deserve your love.

One of my partners stayed with me probably because my mum had died. I wish he hadn't. 2 yea4s of not understanding why it felt like he was there and not there at the same time. Obviously not in the same month but after that honesty would have been hard but preferable

AlphaStation I don't think this is an ideal situation to bring an adopted child into, the relationship issues need to be tackled first before adding a child into the mix, even more so with an older adopted child who is likely to have additional needs

I dumped my ex just before I was 40 because our relationship was making me miserable. I'm now 46 and have been living with my new DP for 5 years. We have a 4 year old and a 2 year old and are very happy. So it is possible to start again and not too late to find happiness if you want to end things with your DP.