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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is love really worth all the pain???

8 replies

Sogo1 · 05/08/2017 18:57

Hi all, so as you can probably tell from the title I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself. My partner of 15 months broke up with me on Wednesday and I'm absolutely devastated. He was the nicest person I had ever met and would do anything for anyone. He was supportive and always had my back. He was amazing with my 3 year old daughter and treated her like his own. Completely different to her Dad who I was in a mentally abusive relationship with for 6 years and who is currently in prison for robbery and false imprisonment involving myself and my daughter. Anyway, 4 weeks ago it was my birthday and he wrote the most beautiful thing in my card about wanting to spend the rest of our lives together, then on Wednesday he came round like normal and when I asked if he was ok he said not really. I asked him what was wrong and his response was everything. I asked if 'we' were a problem and he said maybe and when I said if he wanted to be with me anymore he said don't think so no. I didn't give him a chance to explain very well, told him to get all his stuff out of the house (we don't live together) and that was that. I couldn't explain how someone's feelings could change so dramatically in just a few weeks, from wanting to spend the rest of our lives together to not wanting to be with me anymore.
He spoke to my mum yesterday and he said he couldn't explain why but he just didn't think there was a spark anymore. He also said he had so much going on with a new job (which he hates) and not seeing his children very much because of working unpredictable shift patterns. He also said there has been a lot of arguments between his ex wife and her new partner (who has a history of violence) in front of his children and it's really worrying him. Basically said he has so much going on in his head he can't deal with it all and I guess something had to give, and that thing was me. He said he doesn't know if he will feel different in a few months time but he couldn't stay with me because it wasn't fair.
I'm absolutely heartbroken. After all the trouble with my daughters dad I said I would never put my trust in a man again but slowly and eventually I did because my partner was just so amazing and completely different from my ex but now I just don't think I can ever put myself in this situation again. All I can think about is him and keep telling myself he'll change his mind but I know he won't. All I want to do is keep texting him to tell him how much I love him and that maybe everything that's happening in his life has made him come to the wrong decision. I just don't know how to deal with this.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 05/08/2017 19:10

I'm so sorry this happened. Sometimes things just don't work out, and there isn't a thing I could say to make you feel any better. Give your ex some credit for being respectful in the way he broke things off. Mentally, it appears he's having a very tough time dealing with everything in his life. Don't give up on finding a quality relationship.

pudding21 · 05/08/2017 20:11

Maybe he just needs space. He sounds like he's not a bad person and he's a lot going on. I'd text him, say you understand and say if you need him you'll be there.

If you want to do that of course.

Farontothemaddingcrowd · 05/08/2017 20:15

I wouldn't text him. I'm am done ever giving men space. You need to think about you. He knew what he was doing when he said that and you'd never trust him again if he ever did change his mind. I once dragged a relationship out for six months in this fashion and it nearly broke me. You handled it with great dignity and it will hurt. Don't ever let him hurt you again Flowers

Loopytiles · 05/08/2017 20:15

Sorry this has happened.

Would suggest the Freedom Programme to help recover from your past abusive relationship.

Loopytiles · 05/08/2017 20:16

His stated reasons may not be his actual reasons. No contact best.

ChicRock · 05/08/2017 20:18

TBH it sounds like he has a lot going on at the moment and things can't have been as great as you're remembering, if your first thought thought was to ask him if "we" were a problem - maybe you're looking back with rose tinted glasses.

Anyway, please don't text him. He's ended the relationship and you have to accept that.

Farontothemaddingcrowd · 05/08/2017 20:19

Yes absolutely. You don't break up with someone without being sure though. I used to talk my ex back around. But the truth was, he didn't want me and I couldn't make him want me.

valeriaalee · 06/08/2017 00:36

please do me a favor and dont text him back. i dont know you nor your ex, and as cliche and pathetic as this may sound, you are a woman and you dont need him. if he really loved you and wanted to be with you, he wouldnt have left you out of nowhere, regardless of what he was going through. but dont be hard on yourself, dont question yourself thinking about what you could have done. cry all you need to, but please remember that time will heal you. he loved you, now take that love and love your own self because at the end of the day you are your own lover and best friend.

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