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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How would you feel about this comment

12 replies

rollonthesummer · 05/08/2017 15:06

This is a bit long, sorry.

DH and I have been married for nearly 20 years-we have 3 children. He works full time, I work part time-both in fairly decent graduate careers. He earns more than me (pro rata) probably because I've been part time for years looking after the children.

I do more of the housework, shopping, thinking what needs to be done etc as I am physically in the house more. He has a long commute and works hard but does need chivvying to do stuff around the house. That's just for a bit of context.

Last night-the food shopping order is done arrived and all of us stand up, start bringing it in and unpacking. He helps for a bit and then stands in the kitchen prattling on about some cod shit and sort of getting in the way. Our youngest comes into the kitchen and also gets in the way and I shoo her away (nicely) saying she's not being any help and is getting in the way-a bit like daddy. He then pipes up with something along the lines of, 'well actually, I paid for all this, thank you-so I am not being completely useless!'

I was a bit shocked at the time and said, erm-yes, thanks for that-can you just help please and he did. But I can't stop thinking about it and am actually really upset now. I don't really know where to start. I think that's a really shitty attitude to have about it. It's not all about amounts of money and that suggests he thinks deep down sort of thinks he shouldn't have to do it because he earns more than me!?

What would you say if your 'D' H said that to you? I want to bring it up but don't know where to start-I'm quite upset he even thought it, tbh. Sad

OP posts:
stonecircle · 05/08/2017 15:14

I'd feel a bit bad that my comment had made him feel useless and think his comment was a knee-jerk response. Unless there's more background?

SeaCabbage · 05/08/2017 15:14

You were passive aggressive with your comment about him being in the way so that probably wound him up.

He was a shit to say that. And as you work part time it wasn't even entirely accurate surely.

do you think he has arrogant views about your contribution to the family and household being less than his merely because you earn lesss? Possibly, at a calmer time you could have a chat and ask him his views. Hopefully he would be too ashamed to voice any such nonsense and would admit being a shit.

ChicRock · 05/08/2017 15:25

You were passive aggressively criticising your husband - to your daughter, in front of him too. Ouch!

TheNaze73 · 05/08/2017 15:34

Don't tell me you really said that & were surprised with the reaction you got?

Are you always passive aggressive to him?

EllaHen · 05/08/2017 15:40

You were in the wrong. I hate underhand comments like that. Makes me pronounce that I am not indeed useless in whichever way appropriate.

I have, in the past, stated that my wages pays for things. Don't think I would if dh worked p/t father than f/t though.

Your comment has really annoyed me. I think it's because you have given me an insight into the mind of the passive aggressive.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 05/08/2017 15:44

Tit for tat, you put him down in front of his child so he retaliated.

He's likely right if he earns the bulk of the household income, it obviously hit a nerve.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/08/2017 15:49

You made a bitchy comment and he made one back. You certainly aren't an innocent bystander in this.

SpartacusSaiman · 05/08/2017 15:49

On its own its a shit statement.

But what you said was shit as well. Or did you expect him to just let it slide?

GU24Mum · 05/08/2017 15:51

........ I think I'd have said at the time - well, we both work and pay for it so we should both put it away!

KJPxx · 05/08/2017 15:57

Wrong on both sides.
He did help and then stopped to start 'prattling on' - another comment by yourself that isn't very nice. He shouldn't make you feel bad for earning less than he does, however you shouldn't make out he is useless simply for not helping with the shopping. The shit bag I have for a very soon to be ex sits in the house with his car parked outside while I walk and carry the shopping home. May I add I do ALL the shopping, housework, cleaning, cooking, running round after kids and work full time - he does NONE of those things. So maybe you should approach it with an apology as well as explaining why his comment hurt you too

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 05/08/2017 16:28

I would take it as fair game. You made an arsey comment Infront of your child about him and honestly expected no comment back.

RebornSlippy · 05/08/2017 16:29

To be fair, he did pay for it. However, I'm sure you did too as I don't think your wages are going to an account, which only you use.

He was obviously smarting from your comment to your kid and retaliated. Doesn't excuse it, but might explain it. Is this unusual for him?

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