If DD6 doesn't want to see ExH

[User2410]

Ive posted before regarding my exH and his attitude towards the kids in general (dd6 and ds2) and maybe she has picked up on it and thats why she doesn't want to go with him. She makes me feel so bad making her go with him but I don't want to alienate them from each other. And I wouldn't want him to just have DS as this would encourage the favouritism. She's only 6 so can she decide whether she sees him or not?!

Unless you have genuine concerns over safety/parenting then I would not let your DD dictate.

I dont know the back story so its difficult to say for sure.
Is her reluctance because she misses you?

Unless her father is abusive it is, as you recognise, in her best interests to maintain a positive relationship with himm.

It is difficult to hide feelings about a former spouse from DC - especially where the relationship has ended on a poor note. But again it is in the interests of your DC for you to do this.

She is 6. Like most DC of that age she will often not want to do what is in her best interests- put down the tablet, take a bath, tidy her toys, share her stuff. As the parent, you just need to make it clear that she cannot dictate.

No she can't choose and you would need some very valid reasons like neglect/abuse to withhold contact. It really is best for her to a relationship with him.

What is 'his general attitude to the kids' that she's obviously picked up on then? I wouldn't send her unless he sorted this. Poor kid.

Yeah I thought you'd say that. She says she misses me and makes the off comment about him being mean to her but neither of them give me details. It could well be him not letting her have another ixecrwam or something like that.
His general attitude towards her in particular isn't great. He's dismissive and cold towards her. Pays no attention and only takes them to the park or something fun if he has to as hed rather take them round his mum's who will dote. Which DD picks up on so she will always ask to go round nannys when ex has her.
He has also said things like ' well I never wanted the kids ' infront of her and he speaks to me like shit.

My DD hated going to her dad, she's better now though. You can't let her choose, she's far too young to understand the impact of what she's doing.
Difficult as it is you need to be positive about contact and not let on how you feel.
All this is said with the assumption that he's not abusive and she's safe when she's with him

I'm always sprightly about him never say a bad word but he can't keep his mouth shut and shouts at me if I even ask what time he's getting them next. Always say you'll have a super time and I let him know that she's feeling abit sad and to maybe do something abit extra so she looks forward to it. This is all quite new for me and i feel so guilty about the situation

Allow your DD to learn by experience.

My daughter hated leaving me to see her Dad. He wasn't great with her and usually took her to his mums. Which was good for everyone but not for building my XDH's relationship with our daughter.

She hated her step Mum who was on and off mean to her. But she learned a heck of a lot ( age 8 onwards) and now that her dad has left her step Mum she has a superb relationship with him.

She couldn't have had this ( now) great relationship if she hadn't worked through the shitty times.

Crazy kitten, can I ask what your daughter learned?

Learning for herself or not is still damaging I suppose. Yesterday she started asking me tonnes of questions..'wheres daddy's clothes' 'is daddy coming back to live with us ' ect. I explained a bit and said we loved her and her brother jjst as much and she said ' daddy loves (brother) more than he loves me'. Obviously I reassured her but she's only and thinks that:(.

Only 6 *

Be careful how you lie to her. Do you know he loves them the same? Not all parents do love their children equally. That's bloody awful, but it's as bad to try to convince a child that a deficit of love is love.

Did you tell her dad what she says?

I've never thought of it like that Mrsbert. I don't know to be honest, he has alot of resentment towards them. I told him what she'd said and he just said he tells her off more because she's naughtier. I disagree with that, he just pays more attention to DS and is warmer to him.

"How to talk so kids will listen".
Great book.
Helped me to "hear" what the kids were saying- not just the words.

Not wanting to go out with Dad might be that she is bored with him, it might mean that she feels "less than" DS, it might be that she misses you, it might be that she doesn't like the food he cooks etc etc.

You can encourage the relationship and still "hear" and understand her concerns. If it's something more serious (like Dad really does favour DS) then you can support her to understand that she is still valuable and Dad is making a mistake dismissing her.

It's hard to know, I always doubt myself when it comes to exH but his family have said they have noticed the favouritism so its not just me. His mum said it's how his dad use to treat him and his younger sister so its defnately learned behaviour. I'll read this book though thankyou.